I got pregnant to my ex. We slept together the day before he left me an that was it. Two weeks later that unholy little blue line. Im 27 and hes 29. This is the third time hes left me. Ive loved him for five years. Each time it was all i dont love you anymore, im leaving. He shattered my heart. Only for him to come back afew months later with oh it was a mistake, i love you more than anything, i want to be with you till we grow old, get married, have babies. He'd never said any of those things before. And he never said them after i took him back until the next time he was convincing me to take him back.
So this time the rose coloured glasses came off and i realised no matter how much i loved him id never be enough. He was always going to have an exit stratergy. I guess the pregnancy made all the **** stuff clearer. So i told him i wanted the baby but we were never going to be together. He told me he didnt want me to keep it. He said if i did keep it id be forcing him into a situation he thought was wrong. He would never want to be that father whos not there but if we werent together hed be forced onto being half there in some estranged way.
Then i got really confused, im unemployed, i have no savings, i only just graduated and cant seem to get entry level work, ive never even had a job in my desired industry. He grilled me about the financial situation. Hes a gypsy, no consistent work or home, no real aspirations, no education, no savings or control with money at all. He said id force him into something he couldnt afford. Hed have to change his whole lifestyle and i might loose a chance at my dreams. I was also diagnosed with ptsd, depression and anxiety recently, he says i might damage the child because i have this mental illness. Will i damage the baby? I have a lot of these issues from my messed up upbringbing. I dont want to pass that on.
God i really need help. All the forums i read on this topic say - keep it dont have an abortion because he said so, and the whole pro life agenda. But maybe hes right? Im strictly pro choice. But i also believe babies are blessings and i loved this guy, i thought he was my soulmate. I dont know if we wont ever get back together. But i know i dont want the toxic relationship we have. I feel so much anger at him we can barely talk. Im 6 weeks now and the termination is already booked. I feel like im going to regret either decision. Is it possible to live a full life with termination regret? Maybe im just romantisising having a baby? I know im mature and capable of raising it on my own. I love this guy though and even if he doesnt want to be with me i dont want to force him into anything. **** im so lost, this is not just a casual sex or one night stand termination its a termination of a baby made from the one person ive ever truly loved.
Sorry for all the details. I gues im hoping it will help add to the advice. Please please help me. I dont know what to do. Please also no extreme pro lifers.
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10-08-2016 19:40 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2016
My ex wants to terminate, im tormented
10-08-2016 19:55 #2
What do YOU want
10-08-2016 20:00 #3
Given you have said you want to keep the baby, you should. If he didn't want to be a 'half' father he should have ensured he didn't get you pregnant. Particularly since conception happened the night before he left - he had to have known he was leaving. That's not on you, that's on him. HE is forcing YOU into a situation you think is wrong - wanting you to abort it.
I've had anxiety pretty much my whole life and have 3 kids. I'm medicated and cope really well 90% of the time. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, it won't. But it's worth it. Yes it's hard being a single parent, but you will cope financially. I wouldn't criticise you had you chose to terminate, but you want the baby, don't let him bully you. TBH he sounds every emotionally manipulative. Expect he will pout and sook and may even threaten to force you to do what he wants.
I've had a medical termination for an ectopic pregnancy which affected me badly, but that bc the baby was very much wanted. I can't tell you if you will or won't regret it, but reading this post I suspect you may. He won't stay around either way hun.
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10-08-2016 20:01 #4
My ex wants to terminate, im tormented
Do what is best for you. Have a think about how you will cope on your own either way as you can't rely on him.
10-08-2016 20:19 #5
My ex (husband at the time) wanted to terminate. He put ridiculous amounts of pressure on me. He made it all about him.
Without the pressure, I would have been open to discussing termination, but it wasn't going to be a discussion. I felt backed into a corner and so I dug my heels in.
Long story short, I am now a single mum, with very little support. It took a long time for me to even be able to write the words 'single mum'. I'm not meant to be a mother, I don't think. But now I am one, and I do try my best.
I won't lie, it's hard. Some days are awful. But I've never felt the love and joy I have felt for my son in anything else in my life. Yes, it's hard, but it's also damn rewarding.
I really recommend dropping contact with your ex for a while (just a few days) and thinking about what you want. You have time to decide. Worrying about money etc can come later, but just think about what you want.
No judgement at all from me if you choose to terminate, but I do believe it's your choice; and yours alone. Good luck, and there are plenty of single mummas on the hub that are made of tough stuff and can support you through totally kicking ar$e at this parenting thing!
10-08-2016 20:21 #6
Google pregancy counselling they are a free service and you will be able to speak to someone to get advice. It's non judgemental and you can work through your feelings and options.
As for the ex I'm sorry to be blunt but you should probably get some counselling regarding the relationship which does not sound healthy at all.
There is not really much to love about a man who is 29 has no job, education, home or money and who keeps leaving you. It's probably wise to address that as well.
10-08-2016 21:09 #7
Whether you have the baby or not you must never ever accept him back. He's a user. You will never find happiness with him.
I'm a solo mother by choice. I am lucky I have a good job and can afford to raise my 2 girls on my own. But if I was unemployed I would make it work. I am a scientist but if I lose my job (a very real prospect at the moment) I'm happy to stack shelves at woolies at night while my family watches the girls. I just want time to spend with my girls. If that meant living on government benefits I'm ok with that too.
When I just had 1 child yes it's hard and you're thrown in at the deep end, but that's every new mum. Being a single parent is much easier if you only have one child. I struggle to get both girls to bed. If I had one 1 I would happily lie with them or cosleep. It's you and them against the world.
If you want this baby, everything will work out. Your ex will still be a douche. But your baby will be amazing.
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10-08-2016 21:19 #8
My eldest is biologically not my husbands. He was conceived by an ex who "wanted babies" right up until I got that second line on the test. Then he changed into a completely different person. Tried to make me go through with a termination. I didn't, so he assaulted me to "make it happen" and I fought back, so now I have a beautiful 6yo that I love to the ends of the earth. I had only just started a new job. I saved just about everything I earned. I was stupid and had it as cash that I was going to take to the bank and just never got around to it. He stole the lot. 1000s of dollars. This meant I ended up back at full time shift work when my son was only 3 weeks old. It was gut wrenching. But I don't regret a moment of it. I since found a husband (we met and started sporadically dating towards the end of my pregnancy) and we have 3 more kids and I couldn't imagine our lives without my eldest.
I can't speak for the effects of a termination as I didn't go through with it. But I can speak as someone who was being "forced" to have one and fought back. And I made the right choice for me.
05-12-2016 13:41 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2016
You are so young....so much a head of you.
If you have this child I think this ex will be a problem for you forever.
I personally would get myself sorted into a good job good relationship and have a child when you are ready.
But the decision rests with you.
What do your parents say?
05-12-2016 14:09 #10
My ex wants to terminate, im tormented
No judgement here if you decide to terminate, but it has to be something that you want to do, not something someone else wants you to do, otherwise it is highly likely it will be a decision you will live with for a long time.
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