Once he is comfortable in wearing dresses in front of you, he will slowly become comfortable in front of his friends. It takes time.
Have a family pamper day, do movies and manicures or something. Paint dads nails, tie your hair in pig tails, watch movies. Have fun and lots of positive discussions.
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28-07-2016 08:34 #21
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Clementine Grace (28-07-2016)
28-07-2016 08:54 #22
OP I think you are on the right track and mindset with your boy now.
As suggested by others, buy him a few items in his size and be casual about it. The more comfortable he feels about being himself at home, the more open he'll be with you and your DH.
This could be a phase, simply something he enjoys, or possibly something more complex. Let him explore for now without any pressure to express feelings. In other words, I feel it's too early to think about counselling, as this will more than likely make him think something is really wrong with his behaviour.
28-07-2016 09:12 #23
I think you are on the right track op. As we were not there we dont know the tone of your voice etc and hey it would have been a bit of a shock for you im sure.
Buy him a few items in his size and leave it up to him what he wants to do with them.
I would look into counselling they would be able to give you a few tips on how to move forward and make your son feel at ease.
28-07-2016 09:59 #24
The handful of questions I mentioned are literally the only questions I asked and it was over the span of a few weeks. So it's not like he was sat down and asked question after question. 99% of the time, if I walk in and he is wearing the dress, he will shrink into himself a little so trying to acknowledge that I try to say things like "it's okay if you want to wear that. Why don't you come out and play". The idea is acknowledging it enough so he knows I saw it, but not making a big deal about so he doesn't feel put on the spot. The ones I wrote about in my first post, we're just notable examples because they are the ones that had reactions.
With the Dora undies question it's because it was the first incident I noticed, and Miss3 pointed it out so I was clarifying. The intent was to see if he was wearing them or if Miss3 was just making it up. I hadn't expected him to react how he did so my intention of opening up the conversation about it backfired.
The pink tights questions was because he was down a dark hallway and I couldn't see properly, and again, I was just asking to clarify. He wasn't visible upset that time. He just pretended he wasn't wearing them so I rolled with it and didn't mention it again.
The one about asking what was under his jumper was because it didn't look like he was wearing something, it looked like he was hiding something, as the whole dress was scrunched up in there so I was curious what he was hiding. He often hides things in his clothes to be funny and "surprise me", so I assumed it was that. He got skittish when I asked so hubby (who had been away for a while, this was his first time being confronted with it) said "what's going on mate, are you okay?" and that's when I noticed it was the dress so I notioned to hubby about it so he just took our son to our room to ask if he was okay because he was clearly upset. And he took him to our room so he was away from the other kids in case he was embarrassed.
My questioning isn't so much "WHY ARE YOU WEARING THIS?" I've tried to keep it as "How come you are hiding things?" and explaining to him that he has no reason to feel embarrassed in front of us. Reassure him that we love him and think he is gorgeous regardless.
We don't have any shops nearby, our shopping is done as a big family thing (either with or without hubby if he is away for work) so he will have to be there when I buy anything.
He's a very shy boy as it is. I often put dancing stuff on the telly and the other kids go crazy for it. He likes it but won't do it if anyone is watching. He doesn't like to put on shows etc. He gets very embarrassed. He struggles doing singing with his class at assembly etc.
28-07-2016 17:13 #25-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
OP I have no doubt you love your son and are trying to do the best for him.
I just think (with respect - not trying to have a dig) you are missing the point a little. I think the questioning needs to be looked at the through the eyes of the child not the intentions and logics of the parent.
Before a question is asked think is it necessary? If you think your DS is wearing pink tights however can't see clearly... Does what matter? Does a question need to be asked at all? Can the issue be left alone? Or can a compliment be given instead?
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28-07-2016 18:02 #26
28-07-2016 18:55 #27
Look, I was asking him questions to try and open a dialogue with him. That's what we do in our house. We talk about things. Me asking the kids questions is nothing new. I did the best I could in situations where I was I felt I was put on the spot. It's not like I've dealt with this at all before. I thought I was doing the best thing by him, by trying to talk to him about it so that he knows it's something he is free to talk about. There was no accusatory tone. It was me going down to his level and asking how I normally ask him anything that's semi-serious. I felt the questions were necessary at the time, because I like to keep an open dialogue with my kids. It went awry but all I had to go off was my previous history in talking to them about things. I'm sorry that when being shocked by something, my first thought was to compliment him, rather than ask why he was upset. I'm sorry that I didn't handle something unexpected, perfectly the first time around and now he is clearly "damaged".
Please forget I said anything. Bowing out. Will deal with it myself.
28-07-2016 19:09 #28Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
28-07-2016 19:19 #29
I think you handled it better that some parents would have - especially your hubby as men are more likely to be horrified at their sons wearing a dress! I know some parents would have gone off their rocker because their boy was wearing pink tights or a dress.
I agree that him having his own dress/undies that fit is a good idea. It lets him know that you are OK with him wearing it which will go a long way to him accepting how he feels as well.
It must be very confusing for you all, and I hope he can open up to you. I think if it was my son, I'd just tell him that I love him no matter what he wears and if he's confused and wants to talk to me that I'm always here for him, buy him his own clothes and hope he felt comfortable enough to talk to me. Good luck OP.
28-07-2016 19:31 #30
Hey OP, I think you seem like a beautiful mum who is trying her best to navigate an unknown situation with love and compassion.
I think there are some great suggestions here for future consideration, and I honestly don't think anyone here is trying to criticise you. I understand why you'd be feeling sensitive, but we are all here to bounce ideas off if you need. That can include offering different perspectives - seeing things a different way can be so useful, even if it's just to consolidate your feelings about your own actions more strongly.
No advice because I honestly don't know what I'd do, but I wish you all the best.
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