Ok, I'm going against most peoples opinions on this but this is only my point of view. Of course everyone has different personalities & communicate differently but op I just see that as a friend who's genuinely interested & excited for your pregnancy.
My friends & I are like that & even more so after having babies. We would all text each other after scans making sure everyone & baby is ok. We've all been through miscarriages & had other things happen during scans where it's nice to have that support afterwards. We also regularly Facebook chat even though we may have seen each other at work. But that chat is about things we haven't been able to talk about at work. They have been such a godsend for me after having my dd. They've been there to Facebook chat too in the middle of the night when baby won't sleep & on bad days when I needed a vent. They've been great for advice & support & I would've felt so lonely without them. We all get along & have similar personalities but I've also texted a friend after I knew she's having a scan (although I'd stop at the one msg).
Anyway, that's only my experience with my own friends. I hope you can work it out with her She may not realise she's come across as overwhelming to you when she may only have been trying to show an interest with you & your pregnancy.
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25-07-2016 05:11 #41
25-07-2016 22:25 #42
I'm just being lazy and quoting all the above because I completly agree.
OP not trying to be rude but from a different perspective maybe it is you with the issues not that, as others have said, she is a "crazy stalker". I am really like this with my friends. They are the same back to me. I love that we share everything and are excited to share news. My Bff is preg and I've been to every drs appt/scan etc.... refer to baby as 'ours', half jokingly but she knows I love and support her and will always have her back, and I know she'll donthe same for me.
Her msgs to you about her bf and burning dinner etc just seems like her looking for a friend to support and love her, and clearly you're not after that type of close friendship.
I'm not at all trying to attack you but as you've mentioned you're an introvert so clearly you are not compatible and she just hasn't noticed. I feel sad for her that you can't be the friend she needs. I think being honest will really hurt her. If you want to keep the friendship.... but at arms length then I would just ease off, like deleting messenger and not replying constantly. Just say ur phone is off at home/avoiding fb etc.
Just looking at it from another angle. Her behaviour would be considered normal amoungst my friends.
25-07-2016 23:38 #43
Yes...This thread has made me question my friendships! Made me think back and wonder did I send too many messages that weren't answered? Was I overstepping the boundaries of friendship and entering stalker territory? Have I missed some "leave me alone" cues?
I don't think I have....but..now I'm wondering. For example, many times a friend will message me and I'll see it and not answer as I'm too busy or whatever...and my presumption is when my friends do the same it's because they're the same..just caught up, too busy whatever...not because they don't want to hear from me.
Now that I'm a single mum I rely on my friends a lot more for adult connection and discussing the stuff you'd normally discuss with your DH. I really really hope my friends don't feel like the OP does. That would actually be devastating...
26-07-2016 08:48 #44
Did you talk to her yesterday OP?
26-07-2016 10:26 #45
I really don't see what has been said as a clingy friend or narcissistic qualities. I understand that yes we all want time to ourselves occasionally but friendship to me is checking up and supporting a friend that's what she sounds like she is doing. From the messages that OP has posted the friend sounds like she's wanting you to reciprocate that. Her day might not be interesting to you but maybe just doesn't have much to talk about and as a friend I would personally would acknowledge what's going on in her life even if I didn't find it as a problem if it was happening to me, like with her concerns with her boyfriend. She's also just checking up on you, that's what friends do, they care. Maybe too many messages but answering the first one might stop the constant chatter. She probably doesn't realise it's annoying you. To me that's not too much though, that's not clingy in my eyes, that's a caring friend. I am sure there is more to your story with this friend too as we can only comment on what you have posted. But in answer to your question how can you tell your friend to back off you can't with out loosing the friendship She will be likely hurt and devastated. It will probably ruin her confidence as a friend too, you may loose her as a friend. You may not miss her or you may. But personal experience too you might value that friendship after baby is born. It can be very isolating. Being a Fifo wife with children I guess I value those friendships but my personality is completely different to yours I am a very social person. I love my family and friends. I still like time to myself too, but I don't need that much time to myself. If it was me I would take what you are saying as you do not want to be friends anymore and I would completely pull away.
I hope you work out your friendship with this friend if you want to keep her friendship or move on. Some friendships do drift and that's okay too. I have had plenty of them. But the true ones always stay and are valued in my eyes. I also don't mean to sound rude or like I am attacking you that's not my intentions just a different opinion
26-07-2016 10:36 #46Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
I'm with the op on this one.. I had a friend who was similar and after a long time it got so stifiling, i would listen to her problems for hours on end each day yet she would barely give ne 5 mins to tell her bout my day, then she'd msg me at 4am (i'd keep the phone on at night as my mum was very sick) it really began to irritate me. I'd made it clear between work, studying and my 3 kids i just did not have barely a minute to myself.. Did she acknowledge that? Nope. In thru one ear and out the other. She then just began turning up randomly at my place or my kids sports practice etc, tbh began freaking me out. It was suffocating me so i just started ignoring her. We are not friends anymore and nope I don't miss her.
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26-07-2016 12:11 #47
OP, I think you should tread carefully when it comes to addressing this matter, mainly due to your work relationship. It could be very uncomfortable at work if you are too firm with her and she gets hurt/offended.
If it was me, I'd probably just continue to reiterate that you aren't using social media much and you prefer to spend minimal time interacting online when you're on your down time from work. If she makes comments like "did you get my message, why didn't you respond?", just be really casual about it and say something like "you know what I'm like, I'm hardly ever on social media".
If you keep it consistent, I think she'll start to learn that you are not the kind of friend who is going to engage in excessive messaging.
I don't necessarily think she's narcissistic as others have suggested - she just might be one of those people who really likes to communicate a lot. She does seem interested in your life - if it was all about her and her issues, I would think differently.
I have a friend I met through an old job who called me every day after work for a while. My DH used to think it was a bit much, but that said friend and I are still solid mates 12 years later, and these days we often go a few weeks without speaking and it's all good. Just because your friend is a bit full on now, doesn't mean she'll always be that way.
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Wise Enough (26-07-2016)
26-07-2016 12:17 #48
Clingy friend WWYD
I think it's quite interesting how different personalities can show us completely different sides of the same situation. The things most people have said about how they interact with their friends, i.e. @melimum with going to all your BFF's scans and appointments etc are my absolute worst nightmare. It gives me heart palpitations TBH!
So, what some people find normal, would make some people want to run away. Neither personality is "wrong" but the key seems to be to have friends who are similar to you in personality.
In another way of looking at it, I think most of us act towards our friends in the way we would want them to act towards us. For example, I would NEVER message someone after their scan. I would message them beforehand saying good luck and I hope everything goes well, but never ever afterwards if they didn't message me first. Because I know that, for me, if something had gone wrong at my scan I wouldn't want to speak to anyone other than DH about it. So I see it as being none of my business, unless they want to make it my business and messaging them constantly, or asking too many questions, as being totally out of line. Now, if that friend is like me, they'll appreciate that, and they'd do the same for me. We'd see it as being respectful of the persons privacy. However, if that person is the opposite to me, I can see how that might be seen as me not caring about what's going on in their life!
26-07-2016 13:02 #49Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2016
Well i do appreciate all these different points of view and it has got me thinking about personalities and how we are all so different. I guess I could have approached the question from a different angle... like "My friend requires lots of energy, interaction and attention while I am the complete opposite, how do I ask her to respect my space and privacy without damaging the friendship?".
I did chat to her yesterday and explained that I'm going through a bit at the moment (pregnancy, sick family member, other stress) and I need a bit of down time in the evenings and weekends and time for myself with my partner to process everything. If I don't reply or take my time to reply then this is the reason why and try not to push it so much. She actually laughed and told me I'm like an old boring lady and she didn't think she contacted me that much at all.
So I thought it went ok... but then I had 3 new messages overnight.
She just constantly needs attention. The first thing she willl do on coffee breaks as well as lunchbreaks will be to message her partner telling him things from about her day. She will then relay their whole conversation to me over the lunch hour and tell me all about what he's upto, then she will scroll through her facebook feed and read things out to me, show me photos of people i don't know and tells me her opinions of them. There's never more than 2 minutes of silence. Even if I say something along the line of "Hold on, wait until I'm finished reading this news article and I'll have a look", her reaction is to sit there twiddling her thumbs, looking at me waiting until I finish what I'm doing so I can pay attention to her. This is a typical lunchbreak. Don't get me wrong, I do share my life with her and am interested in her life, but obviously not on the same level of sharing as she is with me. It's exhausting trying to keep up.
Another poster said that the girl is depressed and whats wrong with me for ignoring her andnot asking if shes ok? She is not depressed. If she messaged me reaching out and needing help ( like she has occasionally) then I would help her in a heartbeat! I always reply when she needs advice and go out of my way to help. But when I say its small talk and trivial things that could wait until I saw her at work, thats really all it is and that's what I'm posting about. This is the case 95% of the time!!
I'm not the hermit anti social troll that I may come across as lol. I enjoy chatting with friends and catching up but I also need a time out from it all and that's not what I'm getting. Knowing that I'm being checked up on by how recently active I was on FB is what really pushed me over the edge and made me post this thread.
Only a few more months until I begin maternity leave, and then I'm sure that once Im not spending 40hrs per week with her then I will enjoy our friendship so much more
26-07-2016 13:13 #50Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2013
I can relate to the OP and how she is feeling. Just because the friend has a different idea of friendship though doesn't mean the OP should have to suck it up and feel uncomfortable. I do think the friend is genuine though, is caring, wanting to share day to day stuff like friends do, that perhaps she is also overly grateful for the job so this is her way of showing that, by putting in all this effort with the friendship. It also sounds like things may not be so peachy with her partner so she may need a friend to support her, to listen, to ask if all is ok.
Although one thing i would try to conquer with the constant messages, e.g on the morning of the ultrasound, would be instead of not replying at all to any of the messages, i would have replied thank you to the first message and ill see you at work in a few hours, talk then. Then if she had have kept messaging, i would ignore those ones, confronted her at work or when next convenient and say, i said thanks and id see you at work hence why i didnt feel the need to reply over and over. (I was with my Dh, getting scan etc, rather occupied)
Sometimes just replying to the 1st message and ending the conversation, with a ill talk you when i see you, gotta go, can stop any other potential messages, rather than ignoring all of them.
I think you mentioned there is a group of you from school that have remained in touch,friendly for the last few years, maybe they have distanced themselves from her already too, hence the trying really hard, or like i said before, her way of showing appreciation for the job you gave her.
Hope the chat goes well anyway!
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