Hi I'm after a bit of advice on how to approach this...
My partner's younger sister tragically passed away when she was a child and while DP was in his teen years, this obviously really affected DP and his family. DP rarely discusses her and avoids talking about her as I know he never really dealt with his grief.
We have our first baby girl due in a few months and I would love to use his sister's name as our bubs middle name. I have always liked the name and I think it would be a nice way to honour her. I don't know how to start this conversation with him as I'm worried about how he will react.
Also, would it be respectful to sit his parents down and ask for their permission to use the name?
Woukd love some thought please
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13-07-2016 17:39 #1Junior Member
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- Apr 2016
Using partners late sister's name as a middle name for bub
13-07-2016 17:45 #2
I think it would be best to just ask your DP how he would feel about it. If he's receptive to the idea and would like to use the name, then, in this situation, yes, I would sit his parents down and explain that you'd love to use the name in honour of their late daughter but would like to know how they feel about it. If they, or your DP, weren't happy about it I would just leave it be and pick another name.
13-07-2016 17:49 #3
It's a lovely sentiment, you should just ask him, he will either be ok with or not & depending on his OK, yes you should speak to the family, and respect whatever their decision is.
I was in a similar situation with my daughter, I wanted to use my late BIL's name if she was a boy, I was pregnant when he died so when I initially asked I left if at that, then as it got closer to the date, I asked again to make sure it was still ok... My sister asked close to my due date if I could tell her the full names we had planned so she could prepare herself, we ended using my sisters name as middle name when she was a girl, but my sister was fully awake if this also.
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13-07-2016 18:07 #4
You need to talk to your dh. If he likes idea go ahead but don't push it on him.
We named our first born first name after dh's mother. She died a few day before we fall pregnant.
My sil was beyond wild. She had girl a few months after her mum died but decided to keep the name they already liked. But she felt it was her right to use that name. I believe her brother had just as much right as her. No one owns a name.
22 years later it's not a issue. Dd1 loves her name and my in laws just had to get over it which they did.
Edit to add
I never liked the name. I still don't love the name as such but I love Dd1 with all my heart and her name suits her.
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13-07-2016 18:17 #5
If your DH hasn't dealt with his grief properly, he might find using the name a bit confronting.
Do your IL's ever speak of their little girl?
My dad lost his younger sister when he was just a boy (his sister was 4 years old) and no one in his family dealt with the grief the right way. They simply stopped talking about her because it was so painful. Thankfully with my mum's encouragement he did seek counselling later in life and it helped immensely.
I think it's a lovely gesture, just tread gently when you bring it up.
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13-07-2016 18:17 #6
I think its' a lovely idea if your partner is keen. DP's older brother used the name of one of their siblings who passed away at 3 for his eldest's middle name. Obviously they discussed it with the parents first, though.
I wouldn't do it without chatting to DP's parents first. As a mother who has lost a child, if someone were to use her name I would like some time to get used to the idea before being presented with a baby who shared her name x
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13-07-2016 22:47 #7
My in laws had a stillborn daughter before DH was born, we contemplated using her name as a middle name this time around but it had a very similar rhyming sound and did not match the name we chose. We would have definitely asked his parents before using it. My first dd has mil maiden name as her first name and we asked before we used it if it was ok.
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14-07-2016 02:30 #8
We did exactly this. Our first son has my DH's late brothers name as his middle name. He died when he was about 10 years old (about 20 years before DS1 was born).
We absolutely asked DHs parents first whether they were OK with it, they were more than happy for us to use his name. It's kind of sweet, he has some personality traits of his late uncle and my MIL says something like 'oh your just like your uncle, your namesake'. It's like a special family connection.
DS1 is now 5 and knows about his uncle in heaven that shares his (middle) name.
14-07-2016 03:18 #9
Having been in this exact situation but it was my own brother who passed. My DS has their first name as his middle name. I didn't tell my folks I was going it. But when they knew the moment DS was born and my sister said his name is full my dad esp had huge amounts of tears in his eyes not from grief but from happiness and DS was also given my surname so it also meant that my dads surname had someone to continue it on otherwise it would of been no more for the carry on.
I've just had another DS 3 days ago and he to is also taking my surname as DP wants to honour my dad as he isn't to fussed about his own surname which we have used as bubs first name as it can be switched around like that.
I think they would definitely be ok with it. Write name choices aswell to see if it all matches and go from there
Personally I cannot see why they would not let you use it
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14-07-2016 08:06 #10Junior Member
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- Apr 2016
Thanks very much, I really appreciate the feedback.
Unfortunately DP is a closed book when it comes to expressing feelings. The only times he has really talked about his little sister is after he has had a fair bit to drink and starts getting emotional. He says he would have swapped places with her in a heartbeat and how guilty he feels that it was her who suffered and not him. He really is a sweetheart which is why I'm so nervous to bring this up. Hopefully I will chat to him this week. Thanks again x
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