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  1. #21
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    I have tried to reply to this thread several times. I just can't find the right words. So here goes....
    Yes, you are being unreasonable. No, your reasons (apart from infection risk, which is easily managed) are not valid. Your FIL is going to die. You will never get this time with him, or as a family unit, again. End of life is scary, sad and very upsetting for most people. Having your DD visit must brighten up his day, and not only make him happy, but your DH and MIL too. If you can't suck it up and go along, let your DH take your DD without you.

    If you were in your DH's position, and had a dying parent, would you be making excuses for them to not see or spend time with your DD?

    If you deny your DH taking your DD, are you prepared for the fallout from that? How important is it to your DH that your DD spend time with his father? Grief is different for everyone....

    My own Mum is currently undergoing treatment for lung cancer, and my MIL has MS. I would never deny my children spending time with either. The relationship between a grandparent and grandchild is important, even if the grandparent is incapacitated. Giving up a little of my family time makes such a big difference to the days of two women who are doing it tough.

  2. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LlamaMa For This Useful Post:

    atomicmama  (07-07-2016),Chippa  (09-07-2016),Elijahs Mum  (07-07-2016),Little Miss Sunshine  (07-07-2016)

  3. #22
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Thanks everyone for replying, I know this is an emotive subject and was prepared for a mix of opinions. Thanks for those of you who actually took the time to come up with some useful suggestions and just not flame me for how I am feeling.

    I want to clarify a few things to try and show I am not a heartless cow as some of you are clearly of the opinion that I am.

    We have been told by specialists that although they are no longer treating (which they just did with antibiotics) that he may well live for many years to come. The main reason he has gone into a nursing home is because MIL can't manage to move him around on his own and his mobility has decreased since spending that much time in hospital.

    DH goes every other night (I have tried to get him to go every night but think it may increase to this once/if he starts to go downhill). Of course this impacts on our family time but I don't care, I would rather he spend time with his dad while he is still here, I know from my own experience that we are lucky to have that time. DH words are 'we have to carry on living our life' so I am trying to be guided by him in what he wants to do.

    I didn't actually say we don't have time to go because of work and a house, I said we don't have time to go all the time. DH says this to me and I think its because we have so many other things to get done, such as shopping, swimming lessons, cleaning, washing, cooking etc, at the weekend. you know what its like. But of course we make the time to go visit, just not 24/7 at the weekends, which I don't think anyone was suggesting anyway. Unfortunately going in the week as a family isn't an option for us as by the time we get home and feed and bath DD its time for her bed.

    I have been going 1-2 times a week myself, mainly at the weekends, my OP was more about germs/illness due to DD which although may be unfounded, were a real worry for me at my time of posting. Thanks for the reassurance here.

    We are going to take DD at the weekend and will be using the tips given, thanks so much again for them. I have not at any time tried to deny DD or DH seeing FIL and I resent that implication. It has mainly been my insistence that we take DD to see him when he was in the hospital, not my DH. His frustration has been at the situation as a whole and worries about dirt/germs as much as I do!

    I was a bit concerned how I would be perceived by writing my OP but I guess when you post on a forum you are exposing yourself to a variety of views. Thanks again to everyone who took the time to reply and I'm so sorry to those of you who have lost a family member. I love and care deeply for my DH and his family and unbeknown to him there have been times I have sat here when DD has been in bed and he has been at the hospital and cried, with sadness for my FIL, DH, DD, MIL, BIL and myself, so please don't think I am a heartless person, I truly am not.

    Thank you xx
    Last edited by Molros; 08-07-2016 at 10:08.

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to Molros For This Useful Post:

    Mum-I-Am  (07-07-2016)


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