Can I just add I think your MIL actually sounds lovely and like she means well. She sounds very excited about the birth and at the same time she wants to hang on to her wonderful bond with her son.
I have a good friend who married a man who was very very close to his mum. In the end it didn't go well because she never knew when to butt out and when her help was wanted. She was overbearing but I think she always meant well. The problem was it undermined her daughter in law (my friend) to the point she never wanted her MIL around.
You should be able to have a good relationship with your MIL but you need to get it off on the right footing before the baby arrives and keep working on it after the baby is born.
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24-06-2016 21:21 #11
25-06-2016 04:17 #12
TBH you need to be taking to your DH not his mum. This will continue to be an issue not just when the baby comes but for the rest of your life. You need to sort this out now. You either are happy to live with his mum constantly in your lives or you set some ground rules now - and by this I mean with your DH. It's not fair if him to takes sides with his mum. You are his wife. He shares his life with you now. It's your house, your nursery, your child. Those decisions are for you and your DH to make and not his mum. I would personally say no to the offer to pay for furniture otherwise she will absolutely want to pick it all out. It sounds like her way of ensuring she gets a say.
Sorry OP but things are about to get a whole lot worse once bubs comes along unless you can sort this out now! I feel very sorry for you but you need to stand up to your husband and ask him to be on your 'team' and not get his mum involved in anything unless you have both agreed. Otherwise it's going to drive a wedge between you.
I agree she probably means well, but that doesn't mean you have to constantly compromise for her either. Be polite but firm. Give her a project or something she can be involved in/have control over. Tell her you really appreciate her help but what you would really like is for her to help with 'X' because it's important for you to do 'Y' and 'Z' by yourself. Etc.
25-06-2016 04:26 #13
Vent about my MIL
Please talk to your dh about how his deferring to his mum's opinion makes you feel. He needs to have your back and start putting boundaries in place.
ETA: reworded because I'm worried sleep deprivation was making me sound too harsh. Sorry!
Last edited by BettyV; 25-06-2016 at 04:34.
25-06-2016 06:49 #14
agree with everything sunnygirl79 has said. your issue is with your dh, not your mil.
your dh needs to grow a pair and tell him mum to butt out. I agree with Sonja that she does sound well meaning rather than malicious, but I can see how your dh's behaviour is upsetting to you.
he needs to stop going around there for lunch/dinner. needs to start telling her "mum, I've spoken to X (being yourself) and we've decided to ...."
he needs to start laying down boundaries that show her you and him are a team and that she's welcome as a spectator, but not an active participant. my mil also offered to pay for nursery items for us, an offer we both declined. aside from the fact she can't afford it, we wanted to buy everything for our bub ourselves. and when you take that kind of help from people, it usually comes with invisible terms and conditions. in the end we said ok, you can buy the car seat. that way she felt included and like her help was appreciated but we firmly set the boundaries. we took her along with us on the day we bought the seat too, so she felt included.
my dh user to be a bit of a mummy's boy...his mum is on her own and quite clingy/needy. proud of the fact her boys did everything for her etc. there was definitely a transition when I came on the scene and she could see we were getting serious. I addressed the issues with him always. he knew she was his issue to deal with and not mine. if I'd tried dealing with her, I'd be viewed as the interloper and the meddling b.tch.
this really should've been nipped in the bud years ago. you've left it a little late. your dh will feel disloyal and mean towards his mum enforcing boundaries now. but it must be done or else it will cause enormous friction between you and your partner.
imagine if you needed an emergency general during delivery. your dh sounds like the sort to phone his mum and show her the bun before you've even met your own baby and are still in recovery waking up from the general. I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to give you practical scenarios that you may be faced with if you don't deal with this now.
your dh is going to be in a tough position for a while but he needs to come around. as others have said, you're a family now and he needs to put that first. if he can't tell his mum to take a backseat, you guys will always have issues and it'll get a whole lot worse once bubs is here.
living in the same suburb as here wasn't the smartest move either but I guess that's not something that's easily fixed.
good luck. you're going to have to be strong and stand your ground.
25-06-2016 07:15 #15
I adore my MIL and we have a great relationship, so I don't know whether that will be clouding my reply.
Going shopping with you sounds like something she is really excited about. If she's likely to get ahead of herself and start taking control of purchases, I would research now and get some ideas of the main items that you want to look at, write a list down and print off a copy for each of you. Obviously you will look at other brands/styles etc, but having a guide for her to look at will hopefully remind her that you're the one in control.
Purchasing all of the things you need can get overwhelming, so the research and list is a good idea anyway
Another option would be for you to give her free reign over something that you likely wouldn't mind what she chooses. Ie. "While dh & I look at the prams, you can go and choose the towels and face washers". Some other ideas would be a playmat or bath.
The comment about babies having to get used to noise is somewhat true and wouldn't be something I would take issue with. Your dh, on the other hand, sounds like he's hanging off her every word, so I would be pulling him up.
My MIL is invaluable, especially as my children get older. She offers to have them while I do groceries or go to appointments, or even just so I can wander the shops. When I had my second, she was in hospital for 7 weeks and my MIL dropped everything to look after my eldest every day, so I could be there. Set some ground rules, but try not to push her away, because there's a chance she could be a big part of your village.
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