I have recently left my emotionally abusive husband and in the past he has always said "you leave and ill drag you through the courts and get custody of DD2".
I have left and at the moment he is trying to get us to come back so is acting remorseful. He used to verbally abuse me, argue infront of the kids and called my oldest daughter (not his) names. The final straw was finding out he had been messaging hookers and looking at personal ads. I have always done everything for the children, doc appointments, time off work when they are sick, making them dinner, bathing them etc. a few people I have spoken to have said the courts will always rule for 50/50 and I am petrified. I no he loves his daughter but I truly don't think it is in her best interest. If he does take me to court what are the chances are of hime getting 50/50?
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24-06-2016 15:24 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
24-06-2016 17:59 #2
I have no direct experience, but from reading things on here, I don't think it's automatic to get a 50-50 split. I'd be ringing legal aid ASAP to get some advice though.
Good on you for leaving. No one should have to out up with an abusive partner.
24-06-2016 22:32 #3
Good on you for leaving that is one of hardest things to do.
As for 50/50 it takes a long time for it to even get to court as you mediation first. And I doubt he would want to fight for court once he learns how much it could cost him and you aswell.
Can you see him wanting 50/50 for real. School drop offs and pick ups, doing all the things that you do. I doubt it. The washing cooking cleaning only having a social life every second week.
Just be strong and don't give into him
24-06-2016 22:34 #4
Forgot to add
Start a journal. Write everything down, conversations, text msgs, emails. Have it all in transcript to be prepared for anything and everything.
I've been there and done exactly this in your shoes. I won, he lost.
24-06-2016 22:43 #5Member
- Join Date
- May 2016
The court system does not automatically grant 50/50 custody. They also do not automatically grant the custody that each parents want.
There is a process that is required to be taken
From my own personal experience this is what I would be doing -
Document everything from today (if you can remember times/dates etc of the abuse towards children and yourself document that as well)
Any text message conversation you have regarding the children take a screen shot of it and print it out.
If he asks to see the children do not flat out deny him this however make it supervised as he can take the children and does not have to return them as you do not have a court order in place
The process for court orders is a long drawn out process which includes mediation - if you want to get the ball rolling contact legal aide and relationship Australia to get advise.
How old is your daughter that you have together? There had been studied on what age is best for a child to be away over night from there primary care giver. It has a lot of information I would suggest you also look this up
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Wise Enough (25-06-2016)
25-06-2016 04:22 #6
If it's a recent breakup, unfortunately I'd say everyone is right about it being a very long road ahead. In my experience (from a step mum's perspective), court will be threatened for a long time before he follows through with it. And like everyone said, you would need to go through the motions of mediation and attempting to reach a parenting agreement separately of the court. The courts wouldn't be pleased if you hadn't attempted to do this first as court should be a last resort.
I wouldn't worry too much about 50/50. My DH's lawyer put in his application for 50/50 custody even though that's not what he wanted because they use it as like a bargaining chip.. which is ridiculous in my opinion.
Sadly you will need to document everything. Even after you go to court. It never ends. Parenting orders are great.. if both parties stick to them. But they don't. And there's nothing you can do about it except go back to mediation and eventually court.
Obviously with a fresh separation there will be a lot of raw feelings which will likely fuel a lot of very poor parenting decisions by both of you. Yes, both of you I'm sure. Do your very best to get a routine going whereby you offer him time with dd each second weekend (via text of course so you have a record of doing so, yay). Try your best not to be "controlling". Courts don't like this. Be flexible as possible and always always always keep dd best interests in mind (I know it goes without saying but, trust me, mum and dad's bitterness toward each other will definitely get in the way, even subconsciously).
We have my step kids every second weekend for three nights, Fri-Mon (or as it pleases their mum, despite the parenting orders). I think this is quite standard x
25-06-2016 12:13 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
Thank you so much for the helpful advice. At the moment he has been having her every weekend (this will have to change as I really don't see her on the fun times) but willing for him to have her twice a week. I don't no if he will take me to court. He works very long hours and it wouldn't be feasible, however I wouldn't put it passed him toquit his job. We are keeping it civil for the moment as he still thinks theres a chance we will come back. I have been keeping a journal for the last 3 years with all his episodes etc. blah. Its so hard. Im proud of myself for finally leaving but man its so hard
25-06-2016 12:43 #8
Sorry you are in this position.
I agree withe what everyone else has said above. Just wanted to add a few things:
1. There is a presumed 50/50 responsibility in making major decisions regarding the kids eg medical, religion and education. This does not mean the child spends their time 50/50 with each parent.
2. The kids witnessing abuse is a very legitimate reason not to go 50/50.
You may find this an interesting read:
12-07-2016 18:29 #9Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2014
I have 50:50 with my ex and it works well - if the ex is a good parent, then it makes sense that care is equally shared. Our kids are thriving.
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