I love my 10 year old niece, she is the sweetest little girl, so thoughtful and loving. But she wants a dad. She has no idea who her dad is and seems desperate for one. For example, she slept over last weekend and told me she was so excited because she can pretend that her uncle is her dad. She also went with her half-brother to visit his dad and apparently asked the dad if he was her father too. When father’s day comes around she just says her dad is dead. But he isn’t, he’s alive and well. He doesn’t know she exists either (as far as I'm led to believe).
She has a step dad but obviously the yearning for her real father is strong. I feel so bad for my niece. I don’t know why my SIL (DH's sister) refuses to tell her or him the truth. I will never interfere, I’m sure my SIL has her reasons, but to see and hear my niece talk the way she does breaks my heart. I just worry that if/when the truth comes out, if she’s older she may take it hard and rebel, whereas now I believe she will cope better.
It’s just not fair. My SIL knows who her dad is. Celebrates father’s day, birthdays, Christmas, etc with him, yet her daughter has not been allowed the same right/opportunity.
I hope she never asks me about her dad one day cos I have no idea what to say, except maybe to talk to her mum. I refuse to interfere but am torn because I just worry for her. There’s probably no point to this post, unless someone out there has been in a similar situation? I don’t know, my hands are tied. I may have a chat to my MIL but I know there is nothing else I can do for her except be there for her.
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22-06-2016 21:07 #1
My beautiful niece
22-06-2016 21:40 #2
My beautiful niece
It seems sad and awful for a child to not know their parent and for a parent to not know their child exists.
However, if you're not sure what the story behind it all is then try to keep an open mind. SIL could have been raped or FOB is violent/dangerous, etc.
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22-06-2016 22:03 #3
Having been in these shoes. My DS has a step dad that he calls dad. That is good enough for me. My DS will never in my lifetime while I breath on this earth know the bio sperm donor. There are always reasons behind it all I can assure you of that. My DS knows I was married before and he put it all together himself. He knows that this man was violent and nasty to mummy and took things away from her that didn't belong to him. DS is 9.
22-06-2016 23:31 #4
We know who the father is, it was an ex boyfriend of hers. They had a brief affair (consensual, no rape) and she fell pregnant.
He must still be with that girlfriend and SIL doesn't want to cause trouble? Not sure, just my theory. Anyway, if my niece didn't care about it then I wouldn't either. But unfortunately she does and that's what makes me sad for her.
@babybeeno1 I'm so sorry for what you've been through, I'm grateful you and your DS are in a happier, safer place xxxx
Last edited by AceOfBase; 22-06-2016 at 23:35.
22-06-2016 23:59 #5
My beautiful niece
I don't like commenting on this sort of stuff but I would definitely not interfere. It isn't your place to tell your niece about her dad at all. I would be so angry of someone had said something to my son about his bio logical father. He knows enough detail for him to understand that he isn't in his life for a reason but he has a father figure that love him very much and one day when he is older enough to understand he can ask his biological father why he wasn't in his life (The fathers choice. Not mine)
If she asks I would say exactly what you said you need to talk to your mum. There are always reasons for not telling them about that sort of thing. They are grown up relationships and there are certain details they do not need to know or would understand. She will have her reasons for not telling her. While I agree they need to know at some point but she should be the one to say something.
She sounds like she already has a father figure in her life though. But I also understand the need to know your real dad but she needs to talk to her mum about that.
I also understand the need to wanting to know your dad and how hurtful it can being knowing they aren't in your life. I didn't have contact with my father until I had kids myself. I understand my mums reasoning and when I got older I accepted that. Now I have a great relationship with him.
I hope your niece gets some closure. Have you spoken to your SIL about how your niece has been? She might not realise the yearning your niece is feeling.
23-06-2016 00:10 #6
Thank you @MrsMiller I know this can be such a touchy subject. I'm scared to approach my SIL as I don't want to interfere and cause any problems. Maybe I could mention to her what my niece says and leave it at that. I wouldn't dare offer my opinion/advice.
I'm happy to hear that you've accepted your mum's choice and you have a great relationship with your dad now. That is very reassuring to know
23-06-2016 00:19 #7
I understand what you mean by a touchy subject. Things can be taken the wrong way so easily even if our intentions meant no harm. I think at least mentioning to her what your niece has said will show her your niece is struggling with it. I could imagine it would be a hard thing to accept at her age
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23-06-2016 05:45 #8
I agree to stay right out of it. It sounds like your niece is in love with some idealised vision of a real dad. There are probably very valid reasons the mum doesn't want him in her life, which probably means he won't live up to those expectations. More than likely he would break this sweet girl's heart.
My situation is different but I cut my dad out of my life as an adult. My exIL's couldn't understand how I could not invite my dad to the wedding. They said "he can't be that bad". Well, yes he is actually.
By all means bring up what your niece has said but don't lead the conversation into making the mum justify her decision.
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23-06-2016 05:49 #9-
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It's your hubby's relation, so it's his issue to deal with. At most your hubby should let the SIL know what her daughter has said. And leave it at that.
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23-06-2016 07:14 #10
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