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  1. #1
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    Default husband...not sure what to do

    Hi...regular hubber undercover here

    I am concerned about my Dh and dont know what to do. We have a five year old and I am due to have our second next month. We have been together over a decade.

    90 percent of the time we have a wonderful marriage but DH has always had an anger issue. When we were younger if we had a bad fight he would do things like punch walls, slam doors hard etc. He has never physically hit me but has pushed me out of the way a few times. I told him I would leave if he continued thst behavior and he hasnt done it in a while.

    It did really scare me though and I feel like Iwalk on eggshells a lot, not wwanting to make him really mad because he doesn't seem to be able to control his behavior when he gets like that.

    We have been under a lot of stress, my pregnancy has been difficult with preterm labour scares. Last night we had a fight because I was upset that for several weeks (months maybe?) He has been playing ps4 in the evenings until midnight or so. I want to spend time with him. It got heated and he went and grabbed the ps4, unplugged it, stormed in, held it high above his head and made a move to smash it. I yelled "don't! " and he didn't smash it. His initial reaction was "ypu have so little faith in me if you think I would actually do that", bit eventually was very apologetic.

    I had been cramping all day bit the stresd of it started up tightenings every few minutes and was admitted to hospital overnight for obs (bub is fine).

    He is a good man and on the whole we have a wonderful marriage but i feel like I can't trust him not to flip the lid. I feel scared to cause fights and this has just enttenched that fear. I feel so upset he did that when I am heavily pregnant and the pregnancy has been so difficult.

    I just dont know what to do. I want to move past this and work these issues out, I think after ladt night and seeing the effects of his anger he is now ready to accept help/make changes. I just feel so confused and dont knoe what to do.

    Please don't quote I may delete.

  2. #2
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    It's a tough situation to be in. I really think he needs to get some help with anger management. Maybe he can look into taking up meditation. You should also have a heart to heart with him about how his temper tantrums affect you, and he should consider how that behaviour, even though it's only 10% of the time, can influence/affect your 5yr old. Kids are like sponges and they will mimic your behaviour at any opportunity. You want to teach your children the right way to cope with their emotions, and the first place to start is by setting examples.

    Your husband sounds a lot like mine. Amazing husband and father, but hot headed. we have a similar fight to what you describe once in a blue moon and it makes me want to walk out in that moment. You don't know if your husband would ever get violent toward you, but he definitely has an anger management problem and needs to learn to cope with his emotions and stress. I really believe this is something that can be worked on.

  3. #3
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    Just wanted to add: In my case, we have been together for 9 years and he used to be much worse when we first started our relationship. Over time, with my feedback and patience, he has mellowed out a lot and learned to cope better when he's upset about something. We have maybe 2 big fights a year which I think is pretty normal. Just want you to know that this can definitely be dealt with, you just needs lots of communication and his willingness to work on himself. I really see it as a skill that needs to be learned or worked on.

  4. #4
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    I would suggest you have a read of Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?". It may give you some insight into your situation.

  5. #5
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    *hugs* I am sorry you are dealing with this. Do you think he will consider counseling for anger management?

  6. #6
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    He needs to learn some anger management skills and a counsellor can help him with that. We all need an outlet for anger. Even if he starts playing a sport or working out this will give him an outlet. Also initially he might need to just walk away for a bit and be by himself till he calms down.
    Regarding him playing games for hours that might be him shutting off. Your pregnancy would have taken a toll on him emotionally aswell and he probably does not know how to handle those emotions. With something like pregancy men can feel powerless .
    Seeing a counsellor would be the first step, he can also get a mental health plan from the GP to access a psychologist for a small fee.

  7. #7
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    Thing is, he is getting violent with you.

    You don't have to be hit in order to be subjected to violence.
    Anyone who yells, screams, flips their lid, whatever you want to call it, is a violent reaction to a situation. And if you are in that situation then you are being subjected to violence.

    If that situation is a domestic one then it's domestic violence.

    Your kids will pick up on that. And that kind of stress isn't good for them or you.

    You being scared? Walking around on eggshells? That's the result of being subjected to violence. His initial reaction also tells me that he knows what he's doing too. This is manipulative and could also be considered as abusive.

    I would seek advice from a counsellor yourself before you engage him in the possibility of counselling.

    I think you need a friendly face and a listening ear first. Look after you, equip yourself with skills to keep yourself and your kids safe and then put it to him that his behaviour is not on and that he's got to change or there'll be consequences..unless you like living like that.

    Good luck.

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