I agree with @Kaybaby that anything taken to the extreme is a situation where psychological help is likely necessary and GD to the lengths of aborting a healthy child of the "wrong" sex is where I think psychological intervention absolutely needs to happen. And for anyone wanting to spend a lot of money and invasive procedures to select gender, I think psychological assessment is important to ensure that there are not severe underlying issues that are going to be of detriment to both the children already in the family or the potential child should the parent have totally unrealistic expectations of what the relationship with that child is going to be like.
I think psychology does come in to play in this issue to some degree or another. For myself I would say it is on the minor end. I had a pretty awful relationship with my mother - she is an undiagnosed possibly BPD or NPD (no diagnosis because there is nothing wrong with her, it's everyone else!) and she abandoned my sister and I quite young, and then turned up in our lives at unexpected intervals to cause massive destruction, then left again.
I've done tons of therapy over the years and am told I have very high emotional intelligence, and have dealt with a lot of old issues and consider myself a very well balanced individual. Having said that, I do have a desire to have a daughter, and I believe it is purely as a way of continuing to heal old wounds and parent in a way that I would have liked to have been parented myself having been a little girl once. Having said that, I in no way shape or form hold any particular expectation of what that relationship has to look like for me to be happy - as in there would be no pressure whatsoever for that child to be a certain way for me to be fulfilled. I see having the opportunity to parent a daughter as something that *could* be quite healing for me.
Having said that though, I am mature and psychologically healthy enough to understand that a little boy would likely fulfill me in exactly the same way - so even though I have a very slight preference for a girl, I would be delighted if I was blessed with a little boy. But if I hadn't done a lot of work on myself, *maybe* I would have been someone hell bent on having a girl at all costs as a way of working through issues that should have been dealt with prior to having children.
I wasn't putting myself up for analysis here, I was just trying to show that unmet needs from childhood could be a factor in people wanting to parent a certain gender, and that I think therapy is a great thing in any of these circumstances to gain a greater understanding of what is driving that need so that psychologically healthy choices can be made.
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23-05-2016 06:49 #211
23-05-2016 07:05 #212
It's a bit of a hard topic to reply too & I think my opinion on it has been formed due to years & years of infertility. We were incredibly lucky to have our dd through ivf.
My opinion on it is I'm going to consider myself incredibly lucky if we end up with anymore children & I don't care if any other babies we have are all girls or all boys.
I believe that when you have children you have them for the people they are & not for a certain gender. If we had the option to have our remaining embryo's gender tested & could pick I still wouldn't do it & wouldn't want too. I would hate to think that a person possibly wouldn't be born due to their gender.
What if a person went through all the invasive tests, egg collection (in my case got OHSS) then got all male embryos instead of female ones (or other way around). Or only gets one female embryo but it doesn't take during transfer? Would they all be discarded if that person was wanting a girl only? Then what if in the next lot there's hardly any girl ones again? It's just a lot for a person to go through with a lot of things that can go wrong. I couldn't believe when I was doing ivf that people didn't realise it included surgery.
In saying that though, I don't think I will ever be affected with gender disappointment so I don't know what it feels like for someone who has. Ivf is a lot & very invasive for someone to go through it all when they don't need/require it.
So it's a hard question. I guess I personally wouldn't chose to do it as I don't believe that it's my place to chose. However I don't know how I feel about others choosing. And even if people do chose their gender I wonder how they would feel for example if they had all boys then selected a girl but the girl wanted to be a tomboy & didn't want to dress up in pretty dresses & do girly things? Or the other way around desperately wanting a boy but then get one that wants to do girly sort of things?
I'm more interested to see if people who wouldn't ordinarily need ivf would be willing to go through it if gender selection was possible. Ivf affected us greatly financially & I know of a lot of girls who need it to have babies who can't afford it. I really wish that we never needed to go down the path of ivf.
And I also wanted to say I have nothing against anyone that does want to do gender selection as I haven't walked in your shoes & don't know what the feeling is like to only want a certain gender. So I hope my post hasn't come across the wrong way! So hard to write things sometimes.
23-05-2016 07:07 #213
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23-05-2016 07:30 #214
I guess if someone was doing an IVF cycle purely for gender selection reasons then that wouldn't be funded. I think after watching the last 60 minutes segment on it, they did say that there was a very small number of couples during IVF purely for gender selection.
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23-05-2016 08:53 #215Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
TFMR is not just an abortion. For a start, most parents at least want an amnio to properly confirm the diagnosis, which makes you at least 15 weeks, which means you're going to have to attend a labour ward at a hospital, get induced like a live birth, go through labour, then deliver your child. If you're really unlucky (like I was), nothing will show up until the 19 week scan. My boy was born alive and died in my arms three hours later. This is a million miles away from an abortion for gender reasons.
One thing no one understands until they've been through it is that TFMR is a parenting decision. Many people who have done this are people who previously said they never would. That's largely because, once you start going down that long, dark rabbit hole it becomes clear that for many of these conditions, you are going to have to make the decision at some stage. For conditions that are not compatible with life you first have to decide whether to continue with the pregnancy. If you do, you will then be asked whether you want medical intervention to keep them alive after birth. If you say yes, you will need to keep making that decision over and over again until one day you make the decision to withdraw treatment and let your child die. So in the end, you've had to be the one to call it anyway.
I made that choice at 22 weeks because my boy was likely going to die no matter what I did. I researched everything I could and made the decision at that stage because in two weeks time he would start to form the ability to feel pain and I wanted to spare him that.
So yes, comparing someone undergoing TFMR to someone aborting a healthy baby due to their gender is upsetting. Very few people who have ever been in the situation where they had to 'choose' ever judge each other for making the opposite choice.
23-05-2016 09:12 #216
23-05-2016 09:21 #217
Stretched are, yes, in the minority.
23-05-2016 09:33 #218
23-05-2016 09:37 #219
I would like to be able to share that with a child of my own- a daughter. Of course there is a chance we won't be close, or that she won't want to know. That's fine. But having a daughter has given me that option.
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23-05-2016 09:44 #220
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