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  1. #201
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    For me, I have a bio daughter, a step daughter and a step son. Based purely on my experience during my pregnancy with DD, I can talk to a female child more 'intimately' than a male child because they have the parts.
    As in, if my daughter gets pregnant I can be detailed and relate. If my son's partner gets pregnant, I can give detail but not relate (to him. I could to DIL of course).
    Just be careful - you could end up with a DD like me who is a very private person who wanted very little to do with my mother when I was pregnant - if she ever mentioned my 'parts' ("ya boobs sore yet luv?") I felt like vomiting.

    I feel like I can relate to my son more than I can my own mother. And that has nothing to do with what is or isn't between any of our legs.

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  3. #202
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blessedwith3boys View Post
    I do find it sad and hard to understand how some can't/don't accept the child they have due to the sex.
    Its not about not accepting the child you have. Like mentioned it is mourning the child you do not have/will not have - and having a hole. Coupled with the guilt of your feelings as it is deemed wrong to feel this way.

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  5. #203
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    Quote Originally Posted by AdornedWithCats View Post
    People would say to dh "you must be so excited to be having a boy!" He would reply that he didn't care and would be just as happy having a daughter. Often they would be shocked or surprised that dh wouldn't be disappointed having a girl.

    I know it's just our experience but we find ds is sterotyped all the time...it's been constant since he was born. So I don't see it as separate from those original questions of "what are you having".
    A few months ago before having DS I would have disagreed with this. But since he was born (a surprise as we were told we were having a girl at the 20 week scan) we've had SO many blatant comments from people basically saying how much better it is that he turned out to be a boy. Y'know. Because we already have a daughter.

    And comments (from both women and men) that dh must be even happier now that he will have a son to do boy stuff with. I'd write a few comments off as silly conversation starters but it's been really full on.

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  7. #204
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    Quote Originally Posted by twinklify View Post
    Its not about not accepting the child you have. Like mentioned it is mourning the child you do not have/will not have - and having a hole.
    However it is phrased... 'Mourning the child you don't have' doesn't necessarily make it any less *potentially* concerning.

    Once a certain line is crossed in the GD journey and more energy is placed on the mourning of the child you don't have than living with, appreciating and loving the children you do have then that's not healthy.

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  9. #205
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    However it is phrased... 'Mourning the child you don't have' doesn't necessarily make it any less *potentially* concerning.

    Once a certain line is crossed in the GD journey and more energy is placed on the mourning of the child you don't have than living with, appreciating and loving the children you do have then that's not healthy.
    The fact is though for the vast majority of people who worry about GF the GD is gone when they have the baby. Babies have a way of doing that. You forget all those feelings once you look in their eyes.

    But I'm sure there are still moments on wistfulness where parents wonder what might have been.

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  11. #206
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Just be careful - you could end up with a DD like me who is a very private person who wanted very little to do with my mother when I was pregnant - if she ever mentioned my 'parts' ("ya boobs sore yet luv?") I felt like vomiting.

    I feel like I can relate to my son more than I can my own mother. And that has nothing to do with what is or isn't between any of our legs.
    I meant more in a "I had a csec, so if she needs one" kind of thing.

    My mum was not a sharer at all.

    But, like I said, I need to know that I can (CAN I said) share that with my DD. Not that she needs to share it with me.

    Sure I can relate to DSS, but he will never understand what a pregnancy feels like. Doesn't mean I can't explain it to him of course.

  12. #207
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    Quote Originally Posted by DT75 View Post
    I meant more in a "I had a csec, so if she needs one" kind of thing.

    My mum was not a sharer at all.

    But, like I said, I need to know that I can (CAN I said) share that with my DD. Not that she needs to share it with me.

    Sure I can relate to DSS, but he will never understand what a pregnancy feels like. Doesn't mean I can't explain it to him of course.
    There will be plenty of things you won't be able to relate to your dd about too. It will even out.

  13. #208
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    Quote Originally Posted by GingerKat View Post
    Do you mind sharing what her story was like?
    It wasn't actually anything different to what people on here are saying, I guess it was just hearing her talk and seeing the expression on her face that made it seem a bit more 'real'.

    She has two sons, loves them dearly, very much wants a girl and can't afford to keep having babies until she has a girl. The conversation came up as DSS1, DSS2 and DD were outside with DF waiting for me. She was almost in tears. I guess my family looked like how she hopes hers will one day.

    That's when I thought who I am to say it's wrong for someone to use gender selection. It would only make people happy. I don't think there are any losers.

    I'm guessing the feelings that come along with mild gender disappointment would be similar to, for example, people who have 2 children but desperately want 3 and can't have any more children. It's not like they don't love and cherish the two they have, they just feel like a child is missing.

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  15. #209
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    I've kept coming back to this thread then not known what to write since it started. I have so many mixed feelings.

    On the 'no' side - As someone that has struggled to conceive, and been around women who have had to remain childless without choice, my instinct is to feel it's selfish. Some would desperately want and love a child of any gender, and getting the right gender is such a First World problem. I get gender disappointment to a point. But I've seen some really intense reactions well beyond that first few days/weeks they find out the gender, and TBH it upsets me.

    It also concerns me where we are going with genetics. Will it end up like Gattica? Will it be this huge gap between rich and poor not only in money but in intellect, health etc? What happens if the wealthy can pay to have babies with high IQ, no health issues, personality traits that make them leaders, not susceptible to drugs? Where does that leave families that can't afford it and have 'normal' kids who have to compete with genetically modified kids? Yes this is in the future, but I'm concerned this is what we are opening the door for.
    Another issue for me is a very personal one. I hate the idea of embies being discarded simply bc they are the wrong sex. Something like MicroSort sits better with me, as they sift out the gendered sperm you want. I'm relieved we never had to do IVF as I couldn't have discarded our babies (I realise to some they aren't babies, they are cells, but to *us* they would be our tiny underdeveloped babies).


    On the 'yes' side - I admit I don't understand gender disappointment, but I do get I have one of each gender, so maybe I don't really have any idea. If parents can choose the gender maybe that will make for a happier family? If there are iron clad rules that genetic tinkering stops at gender then maybe it's not my business?

    Someone brought up the feeling of a child missing from the family and how it is similar to gender. I felt we were always meant to have a 3rd and there was a missing child in our family. It was this instinctual need, something I couldn't control. So I do get that it may be the same to want a boy or girl. And would I want to stand in the way of that instinctual need?

    Ehhh I still don't really know how I feel....

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  17. #210
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    Quote Originally Posted by BH-KatiesMum View Post
    Nobody is saying its not a serious mental health issue - for some people it is indeed that - but it isnt a mental health problem for everyone. There are a lot of degrees.

    For the vast majority of people, having some disappointment isnt a mental health issue, it just takes a fair amount of adjustment. For some though, it does indeed create mental health problems that need addressing.

    So yes - it can be both ways. It can be a mental health condition - but assuming that everyone who would prefer a specific gender and would like to be able to choose has a mental health condition isnt good either.

    Some people would like to be able to choose the gender of their baby ... for whatever circumstances ... but it doesnt mean that they need serious help.
    I suppose I've jumped on the GD wagon because they're going to need a diagnosable health issue to get this on Medicare. If not it will need to be self funded, which will make it unavailable to anyone except the rich.

    Now THAT, I have a big problem with. As in, only wealthy people being able to gender select.

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