Another thread on her got me thinking - how has your relationship with your DP changed since having kids (if you've been lucky enough to do so)?
For us, since having DS about 18 months ago, we now obviously spend less time just the two of us together, and we also have less time to ourselves to do what we want to do. This has meant a lot more compromises from both of us, and I think we've struggled a bit with this.
We've also become more of a 'unit', me DP and DS - we need to make decisions with our little family in mind, rather than ourselves individually - which is nice in so many ways, but can sometimes feel restricting too.
I also feel more 'bound' to DP than before - we now share our DS, and, God willing, we'll always have that, no matter what else may come (not that I'm seeing a break up in the future - but you know what I mean - he's something permanent, in a way that a co-owned house and car, for example, are not necessarily).
When bub's in bed though, I sometimes think I would prefer just some time to myself, rather than time with DP... I think I miss my alone time more than my couple time... I'm not sure what that says about us..
I'm not sure what I'm asking here - I guess it's just asking whether other people feel this way, and how other people's relationships have changed since having kids? Better, worse, different?
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14-05-2016 12:21 #1
How has your relationship with your DP changed since having kids?
14-05-2016 12:41 #2
I don't think it says anything about your relationship but more about your own personality. I'm very much like you, I love spending time with my DH but after a tough evening wrangling my boys and doing the dinner/bath/bedtime story routine, all I want is to sit on the sofa on my own and watch my fave shows on TV (that DH doesn't like, unless it's game of thrones) or read a book or browse online.
When i speak to my sister about her relationship (she doesn't have kids yet) she says she always misses being with her partner, and she loves spending every waking minute with him that she can. For me that is absolute overkill. That doesn't mean I love my husband less than she loves her partner, but I really need "me" time and I think that's absolutely normal.
We have a great time together (especially when kids are with a babysitter haha!) we try to have regular date nights, but if it was me and him and our kids ALL the time, I would seriously go crazy. I think he is the same too. He does a lot of stuff without me, I guess we are both somewhat introverted people in a way, we don't need constant interaction with other people.
As for how our relationship has changed - I honestly think we are much stronger and closer now with kids, but the main difference in our lives is that we can't be spontaneous, and our lives revolve around the kids, which is fine with us. They are our lives now and that's what we wanted.
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14-05-2016 12:46 #3
We've had serious ups and downs but ultimately we've become more certain in our relationship and our parenting relationship is everything I could've wanted and more - I think we are a really well matched team in that regard.
Do we fight? Yes. Do we get as much alone time as before? No way. But we make the most of the time we do have but equally are respectful of each other's need for alone time.
14-05-2016 12:53 #4
great thread, been thinking of this subject for a while. will come back and read and respond once I'm free
14-05-2016 12:56 #5
Subbing to reply later (supposed to be folding clothes 😏)
14-05-2016 13:02 #6
I think that the fact our DS was/is not a great sleeper has also impacted our relationship as I have struggled with tiredness/work/not having down time and even 4yrs on, I find I'm really obsessed about my sleep and getting sleep or at least rest in bed. To me, after 4yrs of broken sleep, sleep is more important than couple time. Sad to say. Had DS been a great sleeper, I definitely think we would have/do more couple things.
14-05-2016 13:58 #7
I can barely remember us pre-kids. It was 6 years and 4 kids ago. Our life kind of just feels like it's always been this way.
I've noticed we have more motivation and want to do more things (travel etc) now that we have kids. We were quite lazy and content to sit around and do nothing before them.
I stay home, but hubby is a shift worker, so I am more than used to watching late night telly on my own and sleeping in an empty bed. If he isn't working, he is sleeping a lot of the time so we still don't get a whole bunch of time together. He's not great when he's had little sleep. I'm used to not much. Apart from having 4 small kids, 6, 4, 3 and 2, the 4yo has autism and keeps me on my toes plus my 3yo has insomnia (medically diagnosed) so I don't get a whole lot of sleep. We live 10 hours away from my in-laws and I am completely estranged from the assholes that gave birth to me, so we don't get family support a whole lot. We don't have the kids babysat, we've had 3 date nights in 5 years (one of which was our wedding night). But we are okay with that. We just see each other and watch telly shows or whatever when we can.
Probably the biggest change, and it's only been since the pregnancy with my 2 year old, is my complete lack of libido. I have to currently force myself to be intimate in bed. It's basically a chore no different to the housework. This affects my husband a lot as I'm not physically intimate in general as it is. I don't hold hands or hug and kiss etc. so that's a bit of a strain on us. But we work with it.
Overall, I think the kids are actually a great addition to our marriage. They have bonded us and made us stronger. We very rarely have a difference of opinion to do with raising them. We enjoy spending time with them. We have to travel for groceries etc, so this is always done as the 6 of us.
Hubby will often go to the neighbours for drinks if he has the night off, but apart from that, neither of us really do much without the other or the kids.
14-05-2016 14:15 #8Senior Member
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14-05-2016 14:45 #9
we're only 3 months in and I feel a lot has changed. I know it's only early days but I feel quite disconnected in some ways from dh. like we are struggling with being affectionate, I just don't have the energy or headspace for it. I think a lot of how I feel about him is directly linked to how I'm feeling being on mat leave. I feel a bit isolated and forgotten about, like I have nothing of value to contribute and I feel resentful that he comes home from work and just goes on his phone, scrolling through social media etc. I know after a day of work he's looking forward to just chilling out on the couch and getting some down time but I feel a bit forgotten about and like he doesn't want to talk to me. so I nag and keep telling him to put his phone away etc.
we're then usually both pretty tired come 9 or 10pm so we head to bed pretty early.
he's fantastic with help and support, extremely hands on so I've no complaints from that perspective. but yeah, I do feel like the dynamic between us has changed. whereas we were eachothers main focus before ds, I feel like now ds takes up all my attention (as he should too, definitely not suggesting it should be any other way) and I don't have the energy or inclination left for anyone else after. hoping it's not always like this. I don't want to be one of those couples that loses touch after they have kids.
ds goes to bed 6pm then is up again around 9:30 for a feed then back down again so we do get evening time to ourselves. I think we just need to prioritize making the most of it and make an effort to put our phones away and disconnect from social media and reconnect with eachother.
14-05-2016 15:50 #10
Totally changed our relationship from 6 weeks on. I ended up with 2 toddlers and made the difficult but inevitable decision to leave the 49 year old one just after DS turned 3. I remember when DS was 6 weeks old - I was having a shower when the ex kicked the bathroom door in and started screaming at me about why was I showering as the baby was crying and why was I ignoring him (as in why was I ignoring the ex, not the baby)? He then virtually threw DS at me - I was still wet and nude, and stormed out. That's the moment I realised I was going to be on my own, and most likely the start of a spiral to PND. It's hard being single with a 3 year old, esp as I'm 46. I really don't see me ever in a relationship again.
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