I am now a single mother as of last Christmas Eve. The reasons are many but the main points were ex's moods and tantrums coupled with a complete lack of support. He did very little around the home, and very little parenting. It was like having 2 toddlers vying for my attention, with the 49 year old throwing bigger tantrums if ignored. He also bought very little money in - $600 a week on average (his own business which he seemed to be working all the time - now I realise it was just another way to get out of housework etc)
That's my story but it's one I see repeated here so often. Or it's men making unreasonable demands of their partners, abusing them or controlling their lives thru emotional manipulation and blackmail. Often like my ex, they don't make a huge financial contribution either.
Are men useless or are women just so stupid (or keen for company iykwim) that we put up with this? And let's not even start on the single scene... How many single men between say 40 and 55 does anyone know that would considered "a catch "? Everyone that I and my friends know are single for very good reasons! Workaholics, prostitute addicted, slobs, drug addicted, etc.
My ex is already living with his new girlfriend for the past 6 weeks - he met her 8 weeks ago which was only 2 months after we split. We had been together for 20 years.
So, are there any good men left? How are we as mothers able to raise our children so daughters aren't subjected to slavery in the home? How do we raise our sons so they are good and decent human beings able to actually care for others (and by "care" I mean keep a clean house, cook, wash, iron, parent, work and basically do all the things now expected of a woman!)?
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08-05-2016 16:46 #1
What the @&$! Is wrong with men?
08-05-2016 17:47 #2
Wow so many big questions. My advice is if you have a son, start now. Use gender neutral language and don't allocate actions, roles or toys as 'girls' or 'boys.' Teach empathy, kindness, thoughtfulness regardless of gender.
Plenty of men are excellent partners and providers but no one takes the time to praise them on bubhub. Very difficult to do when so many women on here are suffering due to a$$holes. My Husband is a great partner and parent.
As to the question...Are there any good men left? Can't help you there.
08-05-2016 17:55 #3
After being on BH for 4 years I know just how fortunate I am to have my Dh. I'm sure there are still good ones out there (and they're probably wondering the same thing about women) but I wouldn't have a clue where or how to find one.
If Dh and I ever split I think I'll become a nun.
I agree with pp, is starts with us and how we raise our little men. Many men are mummy's boys and have had absolutely everything done for them. My brothers were raised the exact same way as my sister and I and they are more than capable of cooking, cleaning and even know their way around a sewing machine.
08-05-2016 18:02 #4
I complain about my dh from time to time but it's usually just petty b.tching because I'm frustrated. I know I'm bloody lucky to be with such an amazing guy. he's kind, supportive, loving, doesn't whinge or complain and is very selfless. every day in grateful to be with such a fine human being.
reading along on the hub at the way some "men" carry on and I'm shocked. shocked that they aren't ashamed of themselves for being such poor excuses for a man and shocked that their partners tolerate such poor behaviour.
08-05-2016 18:06 #5
Yes, my own brother is wonderful. He's fully housetrained and more than capable of looking after himself and more. However even with this wonderful person, he cheated on his fiancé of 16 years and began an affair with a married mother which has resulted in the end of her marriage. So far my brother is standing by her and her young son but I do worry about the long term for them all.
I really think that the feminist movement should be more aimed at educating young men/boys in how to be a helpful partner. Until we have equality at home, we'll never achieve it in the workplace or government.
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08-05-2016 18:25 #6
I feel very lucky that my MIL is much of the thought that women aren't slaves to their husbands. Unfortunately it came from her being with quite a few jerks. But it does mean she raised a decent boy for me to marry. She has told me before that if she ever caught her son being abusive, physical or verbal etc, she wouldn't stand for it. I've seen my husband cop a stern "oi" from her when he's been a bit of a ****.
My husband is far from perfect, as am I. And I truly believe that no two people can ever be wholly compatible, because that's just it. You are two separate people. So there will be fights and things for the "good couples". But some of the husbands of women on here just seem like they really need to just be by themselves. There is a big difference between having a few personality differences and being a jerk.
My husband is a good guy. A really good guy. He makes mistakes and doesn't think sometimes but he would do anything for the kids and I. That's all I can really ask for.
08-05-2016 21:04 #7-
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08-05-2016 21:27 #8
I've been thinking about this very topic a bit lately so this thread is timely. Let me preface this by clearly saying no one deserves abuse in a relationship - physically, emotionally, financially. It is not ok, period and no victim deserves it.
But.... and I know I'm going to be beaten with sticks here..... I think sometimes we as women have to have some insight and responsibility into why we put up with it - minus factors of fear. People treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. That isn't victim blaming. It's not saying bc you stay you deserve the treatment.
DH and I have been together a very long time, and it hasn't been all sunshine and roses. But I refuse to be sh*t on. If I don't think he's doing enough around the house I very clearly say so. If I feel I'm not being appreciated... if he's doing or saying something that is really bothering me.
I see so many women on here give this huge list of grievances, poor treatment and deal breakers. And they stay. And they defend their partner once the dust settles 24 hours later. They ignore clear signs of cheating and ridiculous alibis and excuses. Then it's the same thread 2 months later.
As to our kids, they live what they know. Statistically boys that grow up in toxic homes tend to become perpetrators themselves and girls become victims like their mothers. The way to break the cycle is leave. It doesn't have to be forever, if he really wants it he will change.
I know this is probably quite a controversial post. But I think as women and mothers we really need to look at why we stay? What do we get from staying with a cheater/gambler/general tosser? What do we need to do internally to facilitate insight and change?
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08-05-2016 21:31 #9
As to is there good men out there? Of course there is, don't give up or lower your standards.
08-05-2016 21:49 #10
So much of feminism has been focused on getting women into male dominated fields, and increasing women's education and independence and wages. All of which is immensely valuable of course! But what is still lacking is an equal push in the other direction - getting men to do things that are traditionally feminine. For example, women are now equally likely to be the breadwinner, but still do the bulk of housework and childcare. There are often quotas for women in STEM jobs/courses, but have you ever seen people trying to get more men into nursing or childcare?
Because ultimately, women and anything considered women's work is still massively undervalued and considered inferior. It's why it's ok for a woman to dress in 'male clothes' and have a 'man's job' but men will still get either ridiculed or beaten up for wearing a dress. It's why plenty of men will not allow their sons to play with dolls or tell them "boys don't cry!", but have no problem with their daughter being a tomboy. It's why 'unisex' names are really boy's names that you can also give to girls, it's never the other way around.
There's a massive double standard and it's bad for everyone - women, because they get treated like crap, and men, because they're still very confined in traditional gender roles. Because to break out of those means to act more feminine, and what could be more degrading, right?
Women have made huge progress, but there's a few more steps needed for true gender equality. Smash the patriarchy!
...Sorry for the rant
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