It certainly sounds like the issues are much more complex than his parenting style. He sounds controlling, refuses to take on his failings, won't take ownership and has anger problems. It also sounds like he is targeting his non bio kids.
I get that blended families are hard, I was a child myself in one. I also know that no parent is perfect, including myself. But everything you've written here is bringing out my mumma bear tenancies. Your kids shouldn't have to tip toe around him, nor should you have to continually placate him and hide *normal* child behaviours from him to stop him getting angry.
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02-05-2016 10:25 #41
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Lincolns mummy (02-05-2016)
02-05-2016 11:11 #42
I'm strict but don't 'punish' so much as enforce consequences.
H yells and that's it.
He says I am too strict but he scares them and they just do it again as there is no deterrent.
I talk things through and enforce a consequence, and they usually get the message quickly. E.g DSS was annoying DSD (he wanted tp play but she was reading) so she threw the book at him. I spoke to DSS about no meaning no, and DSD about dealing with irritants and anger and that violence is never ok.
Then, as a consequence, I took her book away. She was upset as she was enjoying it but I said "if you are willing to throw it, then you must not want it".
She got it back after a fortnight.
That was two years ago and she has never thrown anything at him since- at ours anyway.
ETA: as for letting the little stuff go- no. They become big things later. DSS still eats with his mouth open. After three years of reminding him every time, I now remove his food and he eats alone- he misses out on tv time, etc as it starts at a certain time and he has to wait to eat.
Sure, it sounds like a small thing and a big 'punishment' but him eating with his mouth open results in at least half his mouthful landing on the floor. And he refuses to clean it up. WE now have to deal with mice because of it.
ETAA: No good cop here lol- I enforce rules but H yells, so we are both the bad cop.
I guess their mum is the good cop as she has no rules? But she punishes them when she feels like it- physically too, so probably not.
Last edited by DT75; 02-05-2016 at 15:35.
02-05-2016 12:39 #43Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
How old are your kids?
My DH & BIL are like this.
It's only taken DH 6.5 years of parenting to come around to 'my' style of parenting!
What kind of worked for me I terms of discussing with DH was:
It's not good for OUR health to be screaming and cranky all the time (as opposed to being respectful to the kids), so you gotta pick your battles, for your own sake.
Also, and this may not be a popular view on BH (but works for when speaking with a stubborn male), if you ALWAYS discipline with yelling, shouting , even smacking (if that's what they do), then what level 'for discipling' do u go to when they've done something really, really, really bad. For lack of a better phrase, do you then bash the c. Rap out of them coz what they did was so bad??? (And fwiw he never did, it was just the wording I used!)
This worked so well for me, no longer did I feel the need to protect the kids, rather he found different techniques that worked for him.
As for BIL, well he is a result of the way he was disciplined, and that has been much harder for him to snap out of. It is also that he is just a very stubborn person. So my sister basically had to discuss it with the kids and say to them 'hey, dad goes off his rocker when angry, so please let's not to do stuff that will annoy him when he's around'. As their kids got older, they understood it more and kind of responded to it, just so they kept the peace at home. They are 21 now and it seems to have really brought peace to their home over the past 10 years.
Good luck op
02-05-2016 12:44 #44
We don't agree on everything but both share a heavy emphasis on respecting the other's point of view and hearing them out. It's probably better to let hubby discipline his way, in front of the kids and then talk about it when the kids are not around - the whole united front thing, makes children feel secure. Mind you, I am still learning with this, and trying not to criticize. Even if I think I know better - I'm wrong sometimes and it's important to stay humble, keep communication open and work together.
If your hubs really just won't listen to your side of the story, and is super negative as you've described without trying to change, that sounds very challenging. I would agree with counseling probably being helpful (he might not listen to it from you, but he might listen to the same thing from a "professional") and I hope he will change his mind on attending with you.
02-05-2016 14:27 #45Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
Yeah that's the thing. I try and bsck him up at times but if he's constantly yelling/lecturing I can't help but step in. It's hard not saying anything though. He doesn't like critersism (well who does?) but isn't willing to stop and think " hmm maybe I should do XYZ instead"
He is otherwise a good step dad, takes the kids out, spends time with them playing sports etc unlike their bio dad who they don't see.
02-05-2016 15:56 #46
Do you think maybe your partner feels you are attacking him because he actually doesn't like his yelling? Maybe he is ashamed that he yells?
Honestly, I would sit him down and say something like, "we need to talk about discipline. I am tired of all the yelling, it scares us. If you refuse to listen to me or try a new way, then I no longer want you disciplining MY children at all. It's not fair and I don't want them to grow up thinking that it is ok to yell at people. If they yelled at you, you would punish them. So why are you allowed to yell? Be an adult. Time is up."
02-05-2016 16:46 #47-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Parenting/disciplining differently to your partner
On a side note, I'm not defending your partners actions however is there any truth to his concerns the kids could benefit from a bit more discipline?
- A few things have struck me as being issues that could be containable with parental involvement
( 11pm bedtime - eek!). If so, your GP should be able to refer you to parenting support services that can help with new strategies.
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02-05-2016 17:31 #48
11pm bedtime??? What time do they get up?
02-05-2016 19:08 #49
My DP and I don't have big clashes about parenting, but we're not always on the same page. It can be tricky.
I agree with lots of PPs that although we had some ideas about parenting before our little one came along, we really had no idea what to expect, and we've just been muddling our way along ever since.
What I have to say, though, is I'm a bit concerned about a few things you've said in your posts. It just doesn't say healthy relationship and respectful DP to me.
For example - you've said you're afraid to bring thing up with him, he's said things like " it's my house. I can yell at the kids if I want. Why should I follow your rules!". In my opinion, that's not a respectful and equal relationship, or an adult approach on his part.
Also, I was concerned by your comments that
And when you say "I know he doesn't mean it.." what makes you think that? Are you just wishing and hoping for the best?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. I've just been worried by what I read. Everyone makes their own choices, and only you know your relationship - but this isn't a relationship I'd be happy in. I hope you are, and that the good outweighs the not so good.
If you're able to, I think some counselling (ideally for both of you, or, if he won't go, for you yourself) would be really beneficial.
02-05-2016 19:50 #50Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2016
I desperately want to go to counciling but he doesn't.
They get up anywhere between 8 and 10. They're in their rooms by 9:30-10, lights out by 11. It's been this way even before he came onto the scenes.
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