I'm not even sure which forum is appropriate for my problem...here it is:
I got pregnant by accident after being together with my partner for 5-6 years. I've never really wanted kids and my mom manipulated me into keeping the pregnancy and signing the marriage papers. My ex said nothing, he let her do the dirty work because he knew she'll manage to manipulate me and he'll be the "good guy" who'll get the family he wanted.
Long story short - I gave birth, went back to work and left the kid to be taken care of by my in-laws. Me and the "husband" I got forced to marry were visiting the kid for a few hours every weekend. 2 years later we moved to Australia, I left my husband and the kid stayed with the in-laws back in my home country.
Right now he's decided to become a single parent, take the kid, abuse the social system and claim child support from me. I volunteered to take care of her 2 days a fortnight in order to reduce my child support payments and to give myself a chance to develop some sort of a relationship with her. The problem is - so far it doesn't work, she reminds me of all the bitterness and manipulations from the past, she costs me money I'd ideally spend on other things, I'm forced to communicate with my ex and she's the reason I have to listen to my mom's constant guilt trips.
She's a cool kid, relatively easy going and she's trying to make us like her. I do the things I have to do - take her to the park, feed her, give her toys, make her brush teeth and have a shower etc but these things give me no joy. It feels like a chore and a lifetime financial burden I can't get rid of or resolve.
Any ideas what am I supposed to do to overcome this and try to form a bond/enjoy the time I spend with her?
p.s. I'm not depressed, I'm an educated professional, I have a good job earning above average income, I have friends and I'm a positive fun individual AS LONG AS I'm not forced to pretend I'm the loving mother I never wanted to be. I'm perfectly able to experience love and emotions with men, I love cats and dogs and I deeply care about my friends.
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11-04-2016 16:24 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2016
Unable to bond with my 5yo daughter
11-04-2016 16:30 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2015
I'm sorry that you didn't become a mother by choice. It must be very hard trying to for a bond with your daughter since you didn't want children. I would suggest to find some common interests/activities that you could do/enjoy together. It will take time, I hope you are open to trying because your daughter must yearn for a loving relationship with you 😢💗
11-04-2016 16:40 #3
Unable to bond with my 5yo daughter
I'm not sure this is the right forum for you.
So you only have her 2 days a fortnight to reduce your child support payments?
You resent having to spend money on her? Yikes. You will never bond with your daughter if you continue to think from this perspective.
If you were writing this about an ex feeling this way they would (rightly) be crucified.
I'm struggling to even put into words how this post made me feel and I'm trying very hard to be polite.
I feel very very sorry for your daughter and I hope for her sake your attitude can change.
11-04-2016 16:44 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2015
You never wanted to be a mum but sorry you are a mum.
If you are going to be a sh!t mum and are only doing it for the money then its probably best you do not try at all.
If you WANT to try - get counselling. You need to get past the feelings you have now or it will never work. After your feelings are resolved then you can open up to bonding.
I honestly cannot put myself in your shoes. What you have written makes me so angry but I know this is your feelings so I am trying to give you some advice rather than scolding.
Hope you find a resolution.
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11-04-2016 16:49 #5
You need professional help. You sound really narcissistic. I'd like to give you a little empathy but your post reads like a total NPD.
How old are you?
11-04-2016 16:49 #6
It sounds like there are a lot of issues that are being projected on to this innocent little girl 😔
I'd suggest a psychologist to work through the past and hopefully bring you to a place where you don't take it out on her.
11-04-2016 16:52 #7
I'm really sorry, but I agree with pp. this is probably not the forum for you.
I hope you can move forward. That's all I can say.
(I wrote a rather long reply, but deleted it before posting as I'm pretty sure I'd get an infringement from the mods)
11-04-2016 16:55 #8
How is your exH "abusing the social system" by claiming child support from you when he is looking after your child as a sole parent??
I'm sorry, but these comments:
"the kid" - you want a bond with her but you're not even referring to her as your daughter??
"I volunteered to take care of her 2 days a fortnight in order to reduce my child support payments"
"she costs me money I'd ideally spend on other things"
"It feels like a chore and a lifetime financial burden I can't get rid of or resolve""
Tells me you'll never have a bond with her. It sounds like so far you've blamed your mother, your ex husband and your daughter for all your problems. I think your daughter would be better off staying with your ex husband and out of your life. I didn't want any children for a long long time, but if I'd fallen pregnant accidentally there is no way I would act in the manner that you have. Your poor choices are not your daughters fault. In all honesty it sounds like you're acting like a spoiled brat who is having a tantrum that her life didn't turn out the way she wanted it to and it makes me very sad to think of your daughter desperately "trying to make you like her".
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11-04-2016 16:56 #9
I don't want to sound particularly harsh but I grew up in a house that I wasn't wanted in. I hate my mother with every sense of my being. I wish she had of given me up, she apparently considered adopting me out but never went through with it, and that's possibly the worst thing she did. You're child will feel every ounce of resentment you have towards her and that's horrible. You are the grown up. She didn't ask for you as a mother and yet she is being punished anyway. If you don't want her, don't take her into your home and ruin her life. Foot the bill for the child you had, like every other adult does and be done with it.
11-04-2016 16:56 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
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