Thanks for your reply. I have tried many times to encourage him to go to counselling or us but he won't. I can't get through at all, brick walls everywhere. It's like he doesn't think my feelings are real or they are exaggerated. I didn't post in awhile because things improved a bit. He is doing things like helping more around the house sometimes (still no nappies or waking up to her at night) and taking her shopping. The more time goes on the more I realise though that he's just super negative and hyper critical of me all the time then when I get sad or try and ask him to help me he says it's my fault. For eg tonight I'm exhausted because I worked from home this morning, went to specialist (turns out I have adenomyosis), took her doctor. Then came home and dealt with her hysterical and overtired while I cooked dinner, lunches, slow cooker, got washing organised etc. he won't put a stair gate because he thinks it spoils the look of the house so I am chasing her every two seconds so she doesn't fal down the stairs. I was literally multi tasking in the extreme, mashing potatoes with the lunch in the oven, dinner on the stove, washing dishes in between, trying to feed and clean up after her. And instead of saying dinner was nice he was really ugly about saying the kitchen was a mess and I should clean as I go. Er I was imagine if I hadn't done that. Also, I've had 5 hours broken sleep because she was up TWO hours screaming last night with molars. She isn't a good sleeper anyway and I haven't slept properly since she was born (13 months). I'm working full time now too. I wanted to gym yesterday for one hour and the first thought of his was "drop her at your mums. I've got nothing left to give. I'm doing my best and I can't do any more than that. I'm so depleted of energy as I've been having hugely heavy bleeds every two weeks. Trying to get it all done. I can't do any more than what I do, I feel like a single mum most days and he is sweet with her and me sometimes but so much is me giving and not getting help back. I feel like I may as we give up because nothing is ever good enough. I walk on egg shells waiting to see what his next mood is and am realising I am becoming fearful or anxious of whether he will be in a good mood or bad mood. I feel sad and broken and depleted and I just feel if he would go to Counselling it would make such a difference but time is sipping away. I Dojt think he really seea how I feel.
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27-06-2016 18:18 #21Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2015
27-06-2016 19:31 #22
You said a while a go that you thought you may have been being emotionally abused. I hate to say that I think I agree maybe some counselling for yourself might help you get your head straight and get some plans and strategies in place? Good luck x
27-06-2016 19:36 #23Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2005
I think you are being emotionally abused too. I'm sorry. Google Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that pdf version. He talks about lots of red flags that may indicate you are being abused.
27-06-2016 20:17 #24
Feeling angry, frustrated, hurt and alone
I would give up on him to be honest. I would just start doing things my way (baby gate on stairs, sandwiches for dinner when busy, etc) like I was single. He can fit in or flock off.
27-06-2016 20:47 #25
My advice is follow everything the ladies have said here plus take his damned gaming away from him. He is to engrossed in it. Switch off the internet, treat him like a child of hen won't help with his own.
27-06-2016 21:15 #26-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
What would your DH do if you stood your ground? My first thought was that you need to be firmer and crystal clear in what you require. For example, when you wanted to go to the gym and your DH said "drop bub at your mums" just say "no. I will be going to the gym, you are reasonable for bub from 6-7am." And just walk out.
Tell your DH he is in charge of dinner on Wednesday and Friday nights, including the cleaning up. And if he doesn't cook make yourself a sandwich.
However if there's any chance your DH will become violent etc, then don't take this route. With bigger issues at play it would probably best to seek help for yourself first.
Hang in there xx
27-06-2016 21:22 #27
Yes I'm sorry to say I think you're are being emotionally abused. I would begin to make plans for being on my own, you're doing most of it anyway. Put the safety gate on. Sod the look of the house, you need to keep her safe. Look after yourself and your DD. This man is not thinking about the best interests of his family.
27-06-2016 22:31 #28Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2016
I nearly choked on my tea reading that he's never changed a nappy!
Your DH clearly doesn't value you or your family unit. It sounds like you literally get nothing other than financial support (I'm guessing). Maybe think about what you do get out of the relationship, what sort of 'family' you are & whether that is enough for you & your daughter.
But firstly, just stop doing everything. Simply stop. If he criticized your messy kitchen after you've done dinner & lunches etc, throw the lunches in the bin! Don't cook dinner the next night, install the baby gate at that exact time yourself. Don't do the laundry. Pass baby to him every time she needs a nappy change etc.
Might be time for a major reality check for him.
Write out every single thing you do & once the dust settles from your strike ask him to explain why he thinks you should do it all.
I literally couldn't 'do it all' so I take my hat off to you for surviving this long!
27-06-2016 23:30 #29
Wow. That's not good enough. That's no 'partner' you've got there.
I don't think doing everything on your own would be much harder than what you're doing now... I hope things improve for you soon.
27-06-2016 23:39 #30
Is he really a good dad though? You said he plays with her and cares about her health and what she eats. Yet you say you do all her cooking. So he doesn't actually *do* anything, more has opinions. That's not being a parent. My DH with all 3 of our kids changed all their nappies and bathed them (I have 1 girl and 2 boys). He feeds them, washes their clothes. He helps them with their homework, he puts them to bed even when they were babies. And he works and provides. The only thing I have solely done is the night wakings and that's bc my DH has either worked in dangerous jobs or drives as a big part of his job so we can't have him tired all the time. And that is my decision.
I hope I haven't offended you that wasn't my intention. But write a list of what a good father should do. Does he fulfill that list?
Last edited by delirium; 27-06-2016 at 23:42.
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