Feeling angry, frustrated, hurt and alone

[Leksie5000]

Hi

I'm having some concerns about my marriage.

I feel angry, frustrated, hurt and alone on a daily basis raising my 11mo daughter.

I know my husband loves us, or at least I thought he did but he comes from a family where everything was always done for him.

My daughter is 11mo tomorrow and he's never bathed her, changed a nappy or cooked her dinner.

He does take her for walks in the pram if I ask just so I can get a break but there was only one or two times he volunteered to do it.

At first there wasn't much he could do. Well it's easy to give that excuse as I am breastfeeding and she spent pretty much all day and night screaming (reflux, dairy intolerant).

I kept hoping he would change but he never does. We have been living with his family and that doesn't help as his mother gets overly involved or interfering a lot and often tries to take over when he does do something.

We or I had issues before this with his temper snapping at me and swearing, name calling. Now I feel like I am parenting alone in terms of all the practical studs.

Every night I bath her while he plays video games, sits on his phone or watches TV. He is a good dad in other ways but it's like he has no idea how exhausted I am. I feel I went to hell and back with a c section, mastitis, food poisioning then pumping around the clock for 8 weeks to be able to feed her fully and his life hasn't changed much.

Id like to get back to the gym but he goes every morning before work plus Saturday and won't stay home during the week and watch her for an hour before work (she's sleeping!) so I can go.

I'm
So fed up, I've tried talking so many times but it's like it doesn't go through. Now I pick at tiny things and have become a nag because I'm so angry about all this unresolved stuff.

I'm so angry, I've never felt like this. I don't want another baby and sometimes I don't even want to be near him because the hurt is building up. Im heartbroken. I don't understand how he doesn't WANT to give me a rest sometimes as he can see how hard I'm working and have that time with his daughter. When I try and talk it's like hitting a brick wall. At first I thought he lacked confidence but now I wonder if he truly knows what I need or if he cares enough at all
To follow through.

I think he thinks I will just put Uo with it forever but I can't. I need practical love and for my daughter to see how respect works.

I'm writing this post through tears. I can be a sensitive person but it's like dinners or holidays and the things he enjoyed to show love before don't work anymore, I need him to be there for me in other ways and lose the temper but I just can't get through.

I'm scared as I don't know how I can stay or cope in a relationship when it's like this. I begged him to see a counsellor as I think it would help. He said he would but has never gone. I'm going back to work soon and can't see how this is all going to work. I'm so dissapointed as he was the one who really said how much he wanted kids. Even if he just helps more in his own way. But I don't see how a video game can be a better way to spend his time! Not to mention I do all the household stuff and a whole bunch of other stuff related to a new house we just built. He does do groceries which helps but I need a lot more involvement with me and our child. Half the time e has his phone in his face and I wonder if he cares at all. Feeling so angry and sad.

[VicPark]

How is he a good dad Hun? I couldn't see any good points in your post.

Have you sat down and had a proper conversation with your DH? And told him how you feel and been specific about what help you expect?

Can you move out into your own place? Living with inlaws is a recipe for disaster.

[Leksie5000]

How is he a good dad Hun? I couldn't see any good points in your post.

Have you sat down and had a proper conversation with your DH? And told him how you feel and been specific about what help you expect?

Can you move out into your own place? Living with inlaws is a recipe for disaster.

He loves her and takes active involvement in what she eats, how her health is, how her development is. He plays with her etc. he just seems to think I am a robot that can constantly go 24/7 without breaking down even tho I am emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted. I'm developing depression. Our house will be ready in a week. But it has been really hard living here and that's part of the problem too. Maybe the damage is irreversible.

[VicPark]

Have you sat down and had a chat - calmly and clearly expressing what you needed?

[twinklify]

Not really in the mood to be honest but i will try


What do you go for the sake of fashion or your look whether it may be in or not?

I agree with this.

You need to tell him. Take the emotion and blame out of it when you do but tell him how you feel. He most likely has no idea and does not know what you expect of him!

I know I get frustrated with my DH and I told him one day that he 'should know to do xx'. He just looked at me and asked how he was supposed to know what I was thinking - and he is right.

My DH can be clueless. He honestly does not see stuff that I think *needs* to be done.

So ask. Tell him what you want help with and what makes you frustrated.

[wobbleyhorse]

I agree with this.

You need to tell him. Take the emotion and blame out of it when you do but tell him how you feel. He most likely has no idea and does not know what you expect of him!

I know I get frustrated with my DH and I told him one day that he 'should know to do xx'. He just looked at me and asked how he was supposed to know what I was thinking - and he is right.

My DH can be clueless. He honestly does not see stuff that I think *needs* to be done.

So ask. Tell him what you want help with and what makes you frustrated.

Yep - my DH is the same. I'm really working on telling him what I want, instead of getting frustrated with him for not automatically doing it.

I struggle with this, as to me, it's so obvious what needs to be done and, as an adult, I feel he should just know how to be helpful, so I get quite stabby when he doesn't pitch in. But I'm learning to ask (even though I still think I shouldn't have to) and he's starting to do things.

Our DS is now 4 and DH does most things with him - bath, bed, games, outings etc. Our DD is 10m and he's slightly more hands on this time.

I really found the first year hard, both dealing with bubs but also negotiating my relationship with DH so I wish you all the best!

[Mod-Wise Enough]

Can you try saying "do you want to clean up the dinner mess or give DD a bath?" or things like that? Give him a choice between two jobs. The trick is though even if he doesn't do it, you don't do it. He doesn't clean the kitchen? It stays dirty till it does and you have take away.

[loodle]

When DH wasn't actively helping and only joining in on the fun stuff and couldn't understand why I was cranky all the time I tried telling him but he didn't "hear" me so instead I wrote out what my day was from the time I got up to the time I went to sleep and did not skip any of the details. When he saw in front of him exactly how much of the hard stuff I was doing alone he realised he needed to step up and he has for the most part (there are still some things that he doesn't get) I don't know if this will help with your DH or not but its worth a shot. Just to add once he started helping I stopped nagging and our relationship got more loving and improved as well. Good luck with it all xx

[Leksie5000]

Have you sat down and had a chat - calmly and clearly expressing what you needed?

Yes, many times I have tried. When I ask for help it's often "in 5 minutes". As we all know most baby things can't wait 5 minutes. I've tried the two job choices etc. He does a few things sometime but it makes me really sad the grandparents spend more time with our daughter than him overall. He is working but there are so many lost opportunities after work and weekends to spend time with her and also give me a break.

[Californication]

I think most men don't actually know what to do for a baby. They don't have the same make-up as we do. They probably haven't read the books or be shown how to change nappies, bath kids etc etc. They also have no idea how exhausting it is to be "it" for a child and have to do everything for them. BUT, there is no excuse for them not to learn. No excuse to not to be an active parent and do more than just play with them.

My DH was fairly hopeless when we had DS. Apart from a play or cuddle, he didn't do much with him and left it all to me. But he did do a lot of cooking, shopping and some cleaning. I got sick of the baby being my job entirely too, but when we sat down to talk, he was scared. Scared he would hurt him. He'd never even held a baby before we had ours and said he didn't think I needed his help as was doing it all so well.

So that did help the way I was feeling a bit, but didn't solve the problem! So one day when DS was in the bath, I called him and said I needed to go to the toilet. Which was true. But I never went back into the bathroom after. Did varying forms of that for a week and then the bath just became his job while I cooked dinner. I also instigated taking turns with nappies when he was home.

Could you try something like that? Don't give him the option of 5 minutes. I'd also put the baby in his arms if he was on the phone on the couch. Take his phone away and leave them to it. Babies might need their Mums, but they also need their Dads. And Dad can do everything that mum can except BF. He just needs to want to.

Good luck OP. I hope yours comes good like mine did.