I have just received some horrible news from my husband who is currently overseas (he isn't hurt). Its news that can potentially end our marriage.
With the circle of people around me i feel like i am meant to be this strong person with the perfect marriage and wonderful children.
I am crumbling inside and just don't know what to do. am i alone or do other people feel like they are in this situation? Should I toughen up and admit that i am not that tough perfect person i feel everyone thinks i am.
I just don't know why i am sitting here while my children run amok outside with no shoes or jumpers on (currently 17degress) i just can't be bothered telling them yet again to rug up or you will get sick. i just want to crawl into bed and cry but i can't because i have to be strong for the sake of my kids.
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07-04-2016 15:50 #1
I hate that i have no one to talk to.
07-04-2016 16:04 #2
Oh honey, that must be such a horrible feeling. Will you husband be coming home soon or can you at least talk further about things.
I'm sure I'll get crucified for this but if it's all to hard I don't see an issue with just letting the kids do whatever as long as they are safe, they will come inside if they get cold. Why not entice them in to watch a movie and have a no fuss dinner (pizza delivered or something else quick).
It's a little hard to offer more advice without knowing what's going on. If you need to feel free to share or vent here or via PM.
I frequently hide my true emotions and issues from people. I still avoid telling most people things but I finally decided to be totally open with my sister about everything and it has helped massively.
07-04-2016 16:08 #3
Sorry you are going through this. I really hope once your DH arrives home, you guys can work through things to get to a better place.
I was much like you, put on a tough front and don't rely on people for much. I've since found good friends that I can actually talk to about things, it helps.
As for the kiddies, let them be. If they are having fun, letting you kick back and take a break then let them be. A bit of cold weather never hurt no one.
07-04-2016 16:19 #4
I'm so sorry to hear that, how immensely difficult it must be to have to deal with terrible news, especially when you can't discuss it with him in person right now
I understand the "everyone thinks I'm strong so I have to be" feeling. It's not a good one. I remember when I used to go through some really hard times, I constantly had people saying to me (in a very admiring way) "You're such a strong person, I would have fallen apart by now" and all I could think is I WANT TO FALL APART! I'M DYING INSIDE!
Do you have a particularly close friend you could confide in? Let yourself fall apart to them, even if you feel you can't do it in front of the rest of the circle of people you know? I know my best friend was a lifesaver in my situation. We will often put on the tough, brave face to everyone around us, but privately confide to each other what's going on. If not, maybe you can pour your heart out here - I'm sure most of us will have been in situations where we felt like our world was crumbling too
There is honestly no shame in admitting you don't have a perfect marriage or perfect life and that you are not coping at the moment. Most people go through moments like that in their life and holding it in and pretending to be strong can be unhealthy for you in the long run.
And I completely agree with mummymaybe, give yourself a break, it's 17 degrees, not minus 17. They'll be fine. Get a pizza delivered, put your PJ's on and have a good cry if you need to! There'll be time to sort out what is going to happen futurewise for your marriage etc tomorrow. For today, just look after yourself
07-04-2016 17:17 #5
07-04-2016 17:23 #6
I'm the same. I guess that's why I became part of bh to begin with. I'm the strong, responsible one but really the only person who knows differently is dp and the people here.
My sisters suicide attempt a couple years ago forced a bit more openness between us. It seemed she was trying to be the strong, responsible one like me but she just didn't realise we all have our own struggles until I told her that at one point in my life she was the only person I was living for and had she not been a part of my life at that point then things would likely have turned out much differently.
Even now though I'm still the strong silent type who bottles things up and internalizes and when that bottle blows I often wish I had that IRL bestie I could go to. In reality though my friends are mostly DPs friends or close acquaintances.
Maybe just pick someone closest to you to open up to and go from there.
07-04-2016 17:34 #7
So my husband comes home tomorrow. We have to drive 2hrs to pick him up from the train station.
He cheated on me while away. He was talking about getting a massage which i thought was a great idea (he had a brochure that looked like a respectable place). He organised it and after the massage was over he was offered a "Happy Ending" which he accepted.
I don't know what to do or say. I am angry and hurt but the way he explained it (and having been overseas and experienced massage therapists convincing sell) he felt he was forced in to it. I know he should have had more guts to stand up and walk out but i just didn't happen.
07-04-2016 17:53 #8
I'm sorry to hear this. I seem to have a minority view on infidelity on BH, so will keep my thoughts to myself. Just wanted to say I know how hurt you must be, and you don't have to decide anything right now.
Also, the truth is that no one has a perfect life, no matter how it appears. Most of us are just muddling through. I am very private and understand not wanting to open up to your friends - perhaps counselling might help you unpack how you're feeling?
I hope you're ok. And pizza and movies with the kids sounds like an amazing idea :-)
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07-04-2016 18:00 #9
I agree with harvs, you don't need to make any decisions now. Take time to think about how you feel and what this means to you.
I think your husband admitting this shows some remorse and that he knows it's wrong so I guess that's a start.
Once he is back if you are willing to try and forgiveI think some counselling is in order and take things from there.
Be kind to yourself, have some chocolate or ice cream and don't worry about anything else tonight.
08-04-2016 15:37 #10
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