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  1. #671
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    Evening ladies. Soon to head to my Sunday night yoga which is always lovely but today has been a really hard day. The sadness has hit me with a full blow and the overwhelming feeling is back. I'm starting to really stress about my surgery on Tuesday and cycle. Failure looms big again. The impending baby shower of my brothers partner is enough to make me crumble in a heap. My own mother now is like talking to a stranger and the sadness at the loss of the richness of that relationship is almost too much to bear. I'm feeling like it's just all too hard at the moment. Breathe.........

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  3. #672
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    Hi @Ceasardust
    Sorry your feeling so down, same way myself at the moment after my cousins announcement of "accidental" (yeah right) pregnancy. I am due to go on holiday soon but it's with my mum and my cousins parents so now I'll just hear about her baby or questions as to why I disappeared after the announcement will arise, now my mum has started saying that firstly maybe I should just start telling people I'm doing IVF ( um hell no) or that she wants me to stop doing it because I'm getting too upset, so now I don't want to talk to her at all about it. I'm sure all of us on her have our down times and our really down times so take some small comfort that you are not alone X
    Big hugs

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  5. #673
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissDa View Post
    Hi @Ceasardust
    Sorry your feeling so down, same way myself at the moment after my cousins announcement of "accidental" (yeah right) pregnancy. I am due to go on holiday soon but it's with my mum and my cousins parents so now I'll just hear about her baby or questions as to why I disappeared after the announcement will arise, now my mum has started saying that firstly maybe I should just start telling people I'm doing IVF ( um hell no) or that she wants me to stop doing it because I'm getting too upset, so now I don't want to talk to her at all about it. I'm sure all of us on her have our down times and our really down times so take some small comfort that you are not alone X
    Big hugs
    Thanks @MissDa it means a lot to hear from others experiencing similar things. I've also got a cousin due the same time as my brothers so both my mother and her sister are becoming grandmothers for the first time. Of course they are super excited and I'm like hmph grandparent that's another thing that won't happen to me.

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  7. #674
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    aww @Caesardust sorry to hear you are so down. Its really hard when people around you are having babies and it always seems like you're the only one going through this, I know that feeling well, Im sure we all do.
    If you cant handle the shower then don't go or just stay for a bit and then make up something you have to do. Otherwise just call in sick, thats what I do when I cant do it. Fruck it, they're all doing what they want, look after yourself and do what you want. Its too hard sometimes to put on the happy face. Ive missed many gatherings of my friends whom all have kids and think xmas is a really happy time, well its not for me so I don't go. I don't think its ever occurred to anyone that those times are hard for people going through this. People just do not understand how hard this is. End of story. They may think they do but honestly unless you have been here you have no bloody clue.

    Yoga sounds ideal right now. Try and focus on your next steps and don't think too far ahead, as things can seem unsurmountable when you do that. And then buy yourself a treat on the way home and indulge in something yummy. Those salted caramel connoisseur ice creams are pretty damn nice!!!

    big hugs
    @MissDa just make up some excuse, lie, do whatever you have to. Again they don't understand and Im sure your mum just doesnt know how to help you. Mine thinks I should keep trying and trying, but she's only being kind and being positive that it can happen for me. I guess its hard for them too as they don't want to see their child go through this. big hugs too

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  9. #675
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    I really wish people understood just how crushing this journey was. Maybe then instead of having to steel ourselves to what others do and say we would be shown their empathy and support. It would certainly make life a little easier.

    I have an RC mother in law who thinks IVF is totally wrong. We have never told her anything about our IVF decision. Luckily her own mother had a child in her 40's so she thinks ours is au naturelle.
    I wonder how she would respond if she had been in my shoes. If she had married late, then had a husband who got sick and spent 2 years having treatment. To see the same specialist who had been so positive about natural chances now shake his head. Or to know that you will never have a child if you don't go through IVF. Then to discover that IVF is no guarantee but is instead (as someone here so eloquently stated) a sickening cycle of hope and grief.


    I am so sorry @CAEserdust and @MissDa for what you're going through. The universe owes you big time. Are you listening universe! We need BFP's here stat! And give some people some compassion while you're at it!
    Last edited by faithandhopellove; 10-04-2016 at 19:12.

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  11. #676
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    Love it @Charlie74 !!! You go girl! have one for me..
    Its funny how different options you were once never open to slowly become ok, I think it just takes time as you say. There are so many kids who could thrive with a loving healthy home and its so sad that a lot of those roads are so hard for people to access.

    Enjoy the cosmo and put your feet up!! Thats a shizload of work you've been doing!

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  13. #677
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    @Charlie74 fostering was high on my plan B list but DH said no. I am still harbouring a little hope that he will change his mind. It's been something I have been thinking about since my single days.
    All over DH is pretty good though. So far his only definitive no's have been DE in SA (he has a friend who emigrated from there and has been filling his head with horror stories) and fostering.

    I like the look of that cosmopolitan. Have one for me too.

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    We would also like to do fostering down the track. We looked at adoption but i think we would be too old and needed to have stopped ivf.

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  17. #679
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    Default IVF over 40 #29

    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie74 View Post
    You are not alone hon. We've all been there.
    I am VERY close to my mum, she's my biggest confidante and has supported me for a very long time thru a bad relationship and has always given me the best advice and gotten me thru tough times.. But last year when I was really badly struggling with my only sister being pregnant, there was even a limit to what I could say to my mum eventually. Initially she was totally amazing in her empathy and ability to listen to my sadness. But as the months passed, this 'pregnancy' became 'a grand child' and it meant that my mums tolerance for my bad attitude, surly demeanour & inability to show any interest was basically ZERO! One night we had a huge fight where she said she was disgusted in the way I was behaving and she couldn't talk to me about it anymore.

    And as much as that bloody hurt- I also understood why my gorgeous normally completely understanding mum had had enough of me. This baby was a huge deal to my mum. Her baby's baby. And even though she loves me more than life, she now loved this baby too. And I think I then realised for the first time properly that even the people closest to me, my mum, my sister.. They will NEVER fully understand what this is like. My mum had fertility issues, and had 4 m/c poor woman.. But in the end she thankfully had 2 children. And she's given us everything. So she understands MOST of this, but even she won't ever know what the prospect of NEVER having children is like. Maybe that sounds really selfish or wrong?? But I just think it's a fact.

    I'm not saying this to make things sound even more depressing, but to just tell you that I think it's probably normal to get to a point where even someone close like ur mum doesn't get it. And it's bloody hard. But you will be ok.

    I promise.

    I know how difficult it is to hear this but just keep reminding urself the intensity of this WILL PASS. It can feel like it will truly kill you, but it always passes eventually. And unfortunately things like baby showers etc can be such a bloody awful trigger into negativity even when u think ur doing well. On wednesday I get to meet my niece for the first time.. I'm excited, I can't wait to get my paws on her!!! But I also am preparing myself for the very likely avalanche of emotions that are gonna hit me.. Happiness, love, sadness, fear.. All at the same time.

    You just have to ride out the storm honey. Get thru the next few days, don't think beyond Tuesday. One day at a time X
    Beautifully, beautifully written & yes there are many of us here that can relate all too well. I'm sorry to hear about your fight with your Mum, it is so hard. Mine has hardly mentioned anything about my journey, she just ignores it as if none of my miscarriages ever happened & then when I was in the throes of IVF cycles she just b!tched that I was too busy too see her anymore..

    It must be the night for it @Caesardust we were out to dinner with DHs family & all the talk was about his cousin who is pregnant & today they found out they're having a girl & they were all so excited & enthusiastic & I'm just sitting there wondering if it will ever, ever be me...

    And we've had a huge day with DH in intense discussions with his ex about finally finishing this custody thing. I don't think anyone has ever acknowledged how hard it is for me to stand with my DH & fight for his child with another woman. How much it hurts to have month after month of discussion about their relationship, their child, his involvement when DSS was a baby & on & on & on. Of course I support DH in seeing more of his son & I am creating a happy family, but not once has anyone ever said, good on you for being so supportive Summer, especially when it must break your heart every day to be so involved with a child that is DHs with another woman while you haven't been able to have a baby with him. I feel like my role in this is not recognized by anyone other than my DH who is really great about it, but everyone just seems to expect that I'm ok when some days it is hard to hold it all together...

    Hugs everyone xxxx
    Last edited by Summer; 10-04-2016 at 21:52.

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  19. #680
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    Quote Originally Posted by Charlie74 View Post
    You are not alone hon. We've all been there.
    I am VERY close to my mum, she's my biggest confidante and has supported me for a very long time thru a bad relationship and has always given me the best advice and gotten me thru tough times.. But last year when I was really badly struggling with my only sister being pregnant, there was even a limit to what I could say to my mum eventually. Initially she was totally amazing in her empathy and ability to listen to my sadness. But as the months passed, this 'pregnancy' became 'a grand child' and it meant that my mums tolerance for my bad attitude, surly demeanour & inability to show any interest was basically ZERO! One night we had a huge fight where she said she was disgusted in the way I was behaving and she couldn't talk to me about it anymore.

    And as much as that bloody hurt- I also understood why my gorgeous normally completely understanding mum had had enough of me. This baby was a huge deal to my mum. Her baby's baby. And even though she loves me more than life, she now loved this baby too. And I think I then realised for the first time properly that even the people closest to me, my mum, my sister.. They will NEVER fully understand what this is like. My mum had fertility issues, and had 4 m/c poor woman.. But in the end she thankfully had 2 children. And she's given us everything. So she understands MOST of this, but even she won't ever know what the prospect of NEVER having children is like. Maybe that sounds really selfish or wrong?? But I just think it's a fact.

    I'm not saying this to make things sound even more depressing, but to just tell you that I think it's probably normal to get to a point where even someone close like ur mum doesn't get it. And it's bloody hard. But you will be ok.

    I promise.

    I know how difficult it is to hear this but just keep reminding urself the intensity of this WILL PASS. It can feel like it will truly kill you, but it always passes eventually. And unfortunately things like baby showers etc can be such a bloody awful trigger into negativity even when u think ur doing well. On wednesday I get to meet my niece for the first time.. I'm excited, I can't wait to get my paws on her!!! But I also am preparing myself for the very likely avalanche of emotions that are gonna hit me.. Happiness, love, sadness, fear.. All at the same time.

    You just have to ride out the storm honey. Get thru the next few days, don't think beyond Tuesday. One day at a time X
    Thank you so much for sharing your story @Charlie74. It had me in ridiculous tears but in a good way. Although I feel like a monster for the way I feel about my family at the moment and the jealousy that is so rife in me for all of them I do know they love me. I'm so desperate to have that happiness they have but I also feel like such an outsider, like I have a terrible disease that I just can't hide. My mum now is focusing on her, her son, his partner and a soon to be grandchild which of course is a more desirable focus than an infertile, angry and sad daughter. I guess I'd choose that too. It's the easier and nicer place to be and she's obviously tired from this journey. I know how she feels!

    It must have been so sad to have that argument with your mum but I guess patience frays and focus changes. It's not a pleasant choice for them to make but supporting a daughter through ivf would be really hard I guess.

    But at the end of the day the mothers who become grandmothers and the brothers that become fathers and the fathers who become grandfathers will never understand what it's like to never have a child and how alone and isolated it makes you feel. Families, even your own, are a reminder of what you'll never potentially have.

    But now, instead of continuing to work myself into despair, im going to try to breathe and focus on Tuesday as you have suggested. One day at a time.

    Quick question. The hospital docs say you can't wear nail polish. Stupid me went and had sns nails (like shellac) done on Tuesday. Do you think I will have to get the polish removed?

    And thank you to all of you lovely ladies tonight. Thank god you're here xx

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