I think you should just try talking to her. Explain exactly as you have here, that when she lets your daughter get away with everything it affects her behaviour at home and that it is hurtful to you that your daughter has now begun to see you as the bad one and always wants grandma.
If she is not willing to compromise then I would say having your mum look after your daughter is actually making your life more stressful when it should be making things easier, and with that said I would put her in daycare/preschool a couple days a week so you can still do what you need to do.
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24-03-2016 16:54 #11Senior Member
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24-03-2016 19:58 #12
I would frame it in a way that you ask your mum to help you discipline your daughter, rather than accusing her of doing the wrong thing. Tell her how hard it is for you when she doesn't discipline your DD, and explain what the fall out is when your DD comes home. You can apologize for the way you approached it, but tell her that you're feeling overwhelmed by the pregnancy and illness and need her support.
I agree to an extent that grandparents shouldn't be disciplinarians and I let a LOT of stuff slide with MIL who watches my kids regularly because I feel their relationship with her is priceless. But at the same time she's your mum and should be supportive of you and not just the fun grandma if it's making your life that much more difficult.
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24-03-2016 20:11 #13
Big hugs OP. I've been there with my mum and also with my ex, so I've done lots of thinking on the matter :-)
My opinion is this:
My mum's house, my mum's way. If she is helping me out by caring for my son, then I need to back off and let things be, provided that DS isn't in danger.
Kids are capable of understanding there are different rules at different houses and as long as you are firm at your own house then your daughter will adapt to that . DS pulls that 'I want daddy, I want granny' stuff all the time, and as much as it hurts sometimes, the truth is that at my house or in my company, he will follow my rules. That's the bit I can control.
However, I do think you have every right to tell your mum that you don't want her to undermine your parenting in the way she has been, and this is very important to you. Give concrete examples. Call her out when she does it. Not in a rude way, just 'this is what I was talking about. Please let me handle this.'
As for what happened today, you can't go back and undo it but you can use it as a starting point for the tricky conversations you need to have. I'd start by being very appreciative of the time she spends helping you out (I know she benefits from this as well!), and take it from there. Good luck :-)
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24-03-2016 20:30 #14
I agree with PP that if your mum is watching your DD a lot, she should be allowed to have her own rules at her own house (....within reason). My personal view (take it or leave it!) is that Grandparents are there to spoil, not to discipline. That being said.... Grandma needs to respect that when Mum is around, Mum is 'first in charge' in the situation, and Grandma shouldn't interfere in YOUR disciplining your child. I would also tend to agree that perhaps your Mum is watching your DD too often, & perhaps it isn't working out for you personally any more? I see both sides of this.... I personally would ALWAYS be more comfortable with grandparents watching the grandkids, above childcare, and this would be my first choice in babysitting... but my kids are only babysat around once a month or so, for a couple of hours. If it is such a regular thing, perhaps your DD would benefit from some child care. I usually bring at least two, often all 3 of my kids to all of my appointments... I don't have a choice not to, and I am a big believer in training my kids to behave well in doctors offices, etc.
This is all just a big jumble of what I feel is right for ME... only you can decide what is right for you! Good luck.
24-03-2016 20:32 #15-
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- Apr 2012
Wwyd: argument with Mum over DD
I think you need to apologise for yelling.
Then you need to be open and clear with your mother. It's not fair to let tension build up, let things slide and then blow your gasket before you've laid the law down.
I think it's fair for you to say that while you are present you will discipline your daughter without interruption from your mum. I don't think it's fair for you to dictate how your mum disciplines your daughter on her time - when she is doing you a favour by looking after your child when she doesn't have to.
If your child continually cries for Grandma it's because you haven't stood your ground and found the right mix on your watch. If you are feeling down then there's something in you that needs addressing - an extra hug perhaps. It's not your mothers fault.
Sorry if this comes across as harsh - it's not my intention. Just trying to honestly state what I think. Hopefully it helps in some small way.
Last edited by VicPark; 24-03-2016 at 20:34.
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25-03-2016 13:29 #16Senior Member
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- Aug 2012
Thanks for the replies, when I have more time I will go through them more throughly and take on board the suggestions.
Just to clarify, Mum watches DD about once a fortnight. However she's always around because she drops in every day on her way either to or from work and on weekends, she face times DD from work during lunch and we have a family dinner once a week. Frankly it's too much for me but I'm not the sort of person that could tell my Mum she's not welcome at my house or turn her away at the door.
If her lack of disciplining DD was just a couple of hours once a fortnight on her time I'd let it go but it's the interference in my interactions with DD when I'm around that are really troubling me. Clearly we need to have an adult discussion, I just find communicating with her so difficult so thanks heaps for the suggestions of how to go about that!
25-03-2016 13:46 #17
25-03-2016 13:55 #18
"I should not have yelled at you. It is my fault for not bringing this up before, but things need to change. When DD is in your care, alone, you can discipline her. However, when I am around do NOT step in if I am disciplining her or doing anything with her unless I ask for help. DD needs to see ME as the parent and you as the grandparent."
You need to be prepared to cut some contact if she oversteps again after this, as it is the only way it will get through. Not all contact, of course.
Say you tell her the above and then your DD has a moment so you start dealing with it, and again your mum steps in. That's when I would say, "Mum, remember I am the parent" and continue. If she does it again, I would say, "Mum I told you how this needs to work. We will be going home now so I can be the parent", and leave.
Don't apologise for taking hold of the role that is yours.
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