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  1. #1
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    Default Wwyd: argument with Mum over DD

    Sorry this will be long. Just looking for some ideas on what you would do next because I'm not sure what to do.

    My mum and I have always had a difficult relationship but she loves my DD and helps me out a lot with her in terms of babysitting when I have doctors appointments (I'm pregnant and also have a chronic illness).

    Over the past few months my resentment has been building up because Mum oversteps the boundary with DD. When I'm trying to discipline her she will interject and she doesn't follow through with limits when she watches DD. At her house anything goes and in turn DD has been getting so hard to manage because at home when I discipline her she just cries for Grandma and when Grandma is around she only wants her to do everything because she sees her as the 'fun' one, she can have as many tantrums as she likes with her and still get whatever she wants.

    I've tried to talk to my mum about this in a subtle way but the message isn't getting through. Today I have an appointment and when I dropped DD off at her place she had another tantrum and I was disciplining her and Mum got involved and went to hug/ console her and I just lost my shiz. I yelled at her and told her I couldn't handle her always getting involved and being the big hero in DDs eyes and I'm always the bad one.

    Overall I feel crap because I yelled at my Mum and left and I know I should be (and I am) grateful because she helps me out when she really doesn't have to. But a part of me also feels relieved that I got these issues out although obviously I could have gone about it better.

    I don't know what to do now. I want to apologize for screaming at her and taking my frustrations out but I want to be clear that the sentiments behind the anger were valid. My mums the type that if I apologize the message will be I was wrong and we can go back to her undermining me with DD and I don't want that. Also I'm not great at apologies. Mum and I have always fought and neither of us ever really apologizes, we just ignore each other until it blows over but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be able to clear the air, apologise for the behavior but also let her know that as much as I appreciate the help, I can't handle the undermining and if I have to take one with the other I'd rather seek babysitting somewhere else.

    So what would you say or do? I don't even know where to start. I feel like and a$$ for acting like a teenager and throwing a fit.

  2. #2
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    I think it depends on your mum's personality. If the same scenario had happened between me and my mum, I think I'd buy her a small present, and apologise for yelling (I'm sorry I yelled. I'm really frustrated because...), and sit down with her and say exactly what you have laid out here. Would that work? In that instance, you're apologising only for the yelling, but not for the content of the yelling.

    Otherwise, maybe write it out in a letter, with examples, and use I statements and specifically outline how she's undermining what you are trying to do.

  3. #3
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    For this to be such an issue, it sounds like your mum is looking after your DD quite a bit. Perhaps it is time to look at putting your DD into childcare for 1 or 2 days a week? This will mean you get time to yourself (and one-on-one time with your baby when it arrives), she'll be with your mum less and your DD will be able to socialise with peers?

    As for fixing things after this blow-up, I would start by apologising for the outburst, but also use it as an opportunity to rationally and calmly express your concerns. Your mother can be as nice as she wants to your DD, but she shouldn't be undermining you when you're around. Let her know when you are disciplining your DD that you would just like her to be more supportive rather than intervening with the grandma hugs!

    Now that your mum knows it's an issue, she will hopefully be willing to see your side of things and you can move forward.

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    I have the same issue with my mum, and in recent weeks I've caused my mum to get really upset.

    Can you buy her a nice bunch of flowers to apologise and talk to her about it when your LO isn't around? That way u both of you have your attention on each other and not on what DD is or isn't doing.


    Hugs, totally get it 😊

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    I'm saying this as someone with no grandparent help so take it with a grain of salt.

    To me, grandparents are not disciplinarians. They are there to indulge and love their grandkids. The little time my kids spend with grandparents (and you could count it in hours each year) is fun.

    Honestly if your daughter is spending that much time with your mum and it's having a detrimental impact on her behaviour I'd be looking into a 3 year old kindy program for her so she is with kids her own age and appropriate controls are in place.

    If you've spoken to your mum before and she's not prepared to change I'd be reducing the amount of babysitting she does and let her just have the fun bits.

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  8. #6
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    ok instead of saying ''sorry'' i'd start with ''ok i shouldn't have yelled at you BUT..''

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  10. #7
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    I find the most direct approach is usually the easiest and most effective. I'd just say "I want to clear the air after this morning. I shouldn't have yelled at you, but when you do x, y, z it upsets me because... Etc" then try to get her to repeat back to you what your main points were by saying "can you acknowledge where im coming from on this?" because sometimes people only hear what they want to hear.

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    Quote Originally Posted by GingerKat View Post
    I find the most direct approach is usually the easiest and most effective. I'd just say "I want to clear the air after this morning. I shouldn't have yelled at you, but when you do x, y, z it upsets me because... Etc" then try to get her to repeat back to you what your main points were by saying "can you acknowledge where im coming from on this?" because sometimes people only hear what they want to hear.
    Completely agree.

    I wouldn't buy her a gift or anything because it's like you are telling her you are wrong and she is right.
    Be direct. It may be a bit uncomfortable but you'll be able to air your concerns. (Only my opinion)
    Good luck x

  12. #9
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    I have to agree with those who've suggested childcare. If your mum is watching her several days a week, there isn't much you can do.

    Sorry you're in this situation. 😐

  13. #10
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    Hi there i would apologise and buy a small token of appreciation for looking after your DD. I would go with the flow and be thankful for the help, but if you cant, which i understand also, i would also consider some daycare. Aside from big issues like safety and some food no no's i tend to give grandparents free reign. All the best.


 

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