Can you screen shot everything, then send it all in a text to your ex saying something like " I'm not sure if you're aware of the strange messages your wife has been sending our son but I think you'll agree they're very inappropriate and are now upsetting him. If they don't stop now I'm going to look into legal advice"
Dunno about the legal advice bit!
I would be upset too OP. What a nasty manipulative woman!
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24-03-2016 06:32 #11Senior Member
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24-03-2016 07:20 #12
You need to screenshot everything and in the first instance canvass the issue with your ex. If that is unsuccessful seek mediation.
My ex was partnered for 7 years with a women who engaged in parental alienation with my DS1. Under our orders I would have DS1 on Mother's Day. For the 7 years they were together if it fell during his dad's week I received a phone call from DS1 telling me he couldn't come and see me as he had to spend time with her. It broke my heart. My ex gave all care of our son over to her. At changeovers we would discuss any issues arising etc... She would then tell my ex a series of lies. I tried many times to keep contact minimal and would email the ex with info but she would intercept the messages. DS1 would come back from his dad's and say to me why are you so mean to her, why don't you leave her alone, I love her, stop calling her, stop being nasty. It was all lies.
Fortunately for me when DS1 was 14 he started realising the lies. Finally he got the courage to tell his dad. DS1 is almost 21 and still occasionally things will come out from him that stem from that period of that woman's lies and manipulation.
I feel so much pain for you. What this woman is doing to your boys is wrong. Take the high road with your boys don't discuss adult issues. Document the issues and get evidence (screenshots etc) when you can. Then pass it on to your ex in writing. Mediation if it doesn't work.
You are the advocate for your boys.
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24-03-2016 07:55 #13
Oh. My. Word.
OP, just keep as calm as you can (she will not like this, as I think her intention is to rattle you) and keep records of her texts.
I would once again try and approach the ex to discuss boundaries, as she really has no place sending your child numerous text messages, especially ones that try and paint you as a less desirable mother figure. If this isn't successful, I'd take things further (mediation).
Lots of hugs, you need them
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24-03-2016 08:31 #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
Um, may I ask something?
In your OP you said they are getting married this weekend, is that correct or have I misunderstood?
If it is correct, why is it not ok for the kids to be with their dad a little longer on the wedding weekend?
I know it must be hard, I don't pretend to know what it must be like for you, but your post sounds so emotive, do you think that maybe there might be more going on rather than her being manipulative?
I don't mean to be mean, I truly don't, but reading your posts, is there not a chance that she's just trying to be nice?
In all honesty, I would take away the 12yo's phone. I'm not sure why a 12 year old needs a phone anyway. That way when your ds is with you they must call the home phone and you can be present for the conversations, and when he is with them and talking to you, they can hear what's going on as well. Perhaps that's something that you could discuss with your ex.
I hope that gives you another perspective. Please know that I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful.
I hope that you and the new wife can grow together in years to come and at least have a workable, amicable relationship.
24-03-2016 10:39 #15
I'd want to claw her eyeballs out!
That's not my recommendation though 😊
I understand why you're upset OP.
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24-03-2016 14:01 #16
Your poor thing @Eden3b, I really feel for you being on the end of this type of manipulative behaviour, it is so out of line it is ridiculous. This woman sounds like she has a personality disorder and is playing a lot of games with you and your children, as well as your ex. She is insecure, and knows that no matter what life she builds with your ex, you are still the mother of his children. It sounds like she can't handle that, so she needs you out of the picture as much as possible, to the extent of trying to turn your kids against you. What a nasty piece of work.
I am actually writing from the other side (I'm a step-mum) but I can see what a difficult situation you are in. Just for balance, as a step-mum I never once have ever text messaged my DSS, my husband speaks to his son once a week on the weeks we don't have him and there is no communication other than that. We never say a bad word about his mother in front of him and encourage him to feel free to speak of his Mum and his time at her house as he wants to. I encourage the relationship between DH and his son, but realise my boundaries as a step-mum and know full well that DSS has a Mum who loves him and I would never try to interfere with that. We've created a nice family unit when he is with us, and we support him having a great relationship with his Mum. This is how grown ups who are secure in themselves act :-)
We've had some tension with her lately as we've been seeking an increase in time and had to do that legally, and she has been very nasty about that and like in your case, involves DSS in adult concepts, conversations and has said a lot of horrid things about us to DSS. But we know that providing a stable, calm, safe environment does wonders for DSS and he will see the truth in the end if her behaviour continues. We don't think it will, as things were amicable prior and I believe they can be again once the custody arrangements are sorted out.
To be honest, I would be seeing a counselor who specialises in personality disorders and passive aggressive and manipulative behaviour to give you some skills, strategies and tips on how best to deal with her. If you are like me and this type of thing totally stumps you and you don't know what to do, then seek advice because this type of person is dangerous and you need to know how to best protect your kids and yourself from her game playing. I've been with a man who had NPD and was incredibly manipulative and he destroyed my life. Hopefully she isn't that bad, but the signs are there, so don't underestimate what she is capable of.
Do you have a parenting agreement? There are clauses that can be added into the agreements that parents and family members are not to denigrate the other parent in front of the child, that no-one else is allowed to speak badly of them. There is such a thing as deliberate parental alienation and that is very much a thing in the USA, not sure if it is here or not, but this seems to be what she is trying to do. You need some very firm boundaries in place, and this may have to be done legally. We are in the middle of doing that as DSSs Mum can contact him up to five times a day when he is with us and we feel that is inappropriate. Our lawyer has suggested that one mid-week phone call with his mother when he is with us is an appropriate level of contact unless there is an emergency, at the age he is which is ten. This type of thing can be done legally and put in writing so that she can not go against those orders. I would be seeking advice along those lines as what she is doing is highly inappropriate and absolutely not-on. Don't tolerate it any more.
Good luck, it must be very difficult and I feel for you. Just know that she can never take your place as their mother and everything she is doing is out of fear, insecurity and desperation to be number one. It's not a game worth engaging in. Find some support, get some strategies, get legal advice, document everything and keep strong.
Last edited by Summer; 24-03-2016 at 16:35.
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