Like a lot of posts start, I am not sure this is where this belongs, but it is a subject that makes me feel down and contributes to my depression and trust issues with people. This post is about my on going struggle to connect to my mother
Growing up I didn't get the right support from my mum, financially, emotionally, a lot of the time I felt like she didn't like me very much. I still feel this way at times, well just the last part.
I feel like if I didn't have my son, who my mum admittedly does adore, I wouldn't see or talk to her at all. Actually I wouldn't see or talk to her at all if I wasn't making effort all the time!
I stopped talking to her a few months ago because I was tired of being the only one to call, visit or even text. She never initiated any of those things with me. I let her know how I felt many times and would continue to contact her just so I could talk to and see my mum. She would only get excited to see my son and would never ask about my life or feelings, when she did finally visit (when I'd ask her to.)
Everytime I confronted her about not contacting me or making effort to see me she would claim that she was busy with 'life'. At the time I was volunteering, studying full time, and looking after my home and family so I knew about busy! All the children she has at home go to school and she didn't study or work so I often wondered what she was so busy with. She always had time for my other sister who is in her 20's and moved out of home and has treated my mum badly in the past (another story too long to get into) I know for a fact she texts her everyday, she would text her while I was with her! But I rarely got a text saying hello or asking how I was.
So after some incidents involving said sister and me having enough of her not caring about what was going on with me, I cut her out of my life completely. It only lasted 2 months, I'm a softie and my social life started to dwindle (I dropped out of study and volunteering) and I fell pregnant. I thought after not speaking to her for 2 months she would see where she was wrong. Well I was wrong.
I've been pregnant for 2 months and I still rarely hear from my mum. She sent me a text once asking how I've been and I told her I've been feeling depressed as I have been isolated with no friends to talk to, and no family around. She said she needed an adult talk to and made plans to come see me that Friday. Friday came and she gave me 3 different excuses as to why she couldn't come over.
That was 3 weeks ago.. In that time my depressipon has got worse (being pregnant doesn't help) and she has seen posts on my facebook hinting about being down and going through things like the high risk NT results I received and just general blues, still no message.
It would be easier for me to let go of my resentment of her not making effort if her house was a nicer environment for me and my son to visit, but she verbally abuses my little sisters, smokes cigarettes and cannibas in the loungeroom around the kids, doesn't clean the house and the list goes on.
I know I am probably better off without her around but I am strongly a family person and I need my mum.. My dad is a deadbeat a**hole and I don't have friends to turn to, I only have my partner.
I don't know if I need advice on what to do or just need to vent.. Either way I needed somewhere to get this all out. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
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10-03-2016 21:01 #1
Mummy issues... Bit of a long read
10-03-2016 21:05 #2
I can't offer advice but just wanted to say I know how you feel when you say you're not sure you would have a relationship with your mum if it weren't for your DS.
I'm of the firm belief that toxic relationships just kill you slowly, and that includes family. I have very little family of my own, and I know what it's like to have no relationship with your father. That stuff hurts but you're still better off surrounding yourself (and your children) with people who are on your team and make you happy. Have you considered talking your feelings over with a counsellor?
10-03-2016 21:14 #3
I can sympathise. I cut my mum out two years ago and will never go back. My first son was the son she always wanted and never had. My second son was a horrible burden on her life apparently. I was able to handle the crap she put me through as a kid but when it came to being an a**hole to my child, unforgivable. She is a narcissist though, and a good one, so managed to turn my entire extended family against me. I haven't heard from a single blood relative for 2 years.
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10-03-2016 21:22 #4
Yes toxic relationship indeed, forgot about that term! Problem is there's not a lot of people to surround myself with atm, guess that's why I'm finding this hard
10-03-2016 21:22 #5
Wow I'm sorry you're going through so much right now.
I agree with Harvs and can I say.- Family isn't necessarily the people you grew up with.
My circumstances are different but I know what it's like to hold on to something when you feel there's nothing or noone else to turn to, but if you do choose to cut ties, remember that you can always build up a support network without them and find your own 'village'.
10-03-2016 21:25 #6
10-03-2016 21:48 #7
Everyone tells me I was way too forgiving to her for way too long. Honestly, I didn't realise just how bad she was, until I came out from under her control. I was very blind to a lot of things and it wasn't until my husband and his family assured me that what she was doing isn't normal for a mother, that I started to see it. I assumed everyone hated their childhoods like I did
11-03-2016 09:14 #8
Mummy issues... Bit of a long read
I had a poor relationship with my mother- she was very cold and unloving, not "motherly" at all. When I told her I got my period she yelled at me because she was unprepared and she had nothing for me. (Eta: I was 13!!!) Mortifying, and I bought my own pads and never mentioned it again. We barely spoke once I moved out. She tried her best I think but she was just uncapable. Our relationship started to repair itself once dd1 came into my life and she's a great Nanna ironically, loving and affectionate. She did apologise a couple of years ago at Christmas, we still don't speak much between us but communicate about the kids.
On one hand it hurts to see her like that with my kids as I wonder why she couldn't of been like that with me (or my brothers). On the other hand I try and see the positives of her with the kids so choose to let the hurt slide.
So becoming pregnant may be the catalyst for your relationship- either to help bridge the gap or help you realise that your mother it is not worth it. I hope you get closure either way. Mummy issues are the pits xxxx
Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 11-03-2016 at 09:34.
11-03-2016 09:50 #9
Its a hard situation. I have had mummy issues too since I was young and my mum has also shown that she is incapable of being a good grandparent to all of her 8 grandchildren, although she thinks she is. The straw that broke the camels back was when she told my brother that she didn't want to babysit my then 3 year old daughter because she whinged too much. I eventually moved away interstate and only speak to her once every couple of months. My dad has been dragged down to her level as well. I flew back and visited my mum a few weeks back and that visit really reinforced the lack of commitment she has for maintaining a relationship with me. Its hard because you don't know what you have done wrong to make your mum feel this was towards you. Well at least thats the way I have felt all my life. If she makes you feel this horrible it is best to cut her off. There is no point enduring the cycle over and over. My thoughts anyway.
Last edited by bubbasmum; 11-03-2016 at 09:52.
11-03-2016 11:59 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
I'm sorry to read all that.
My mum is here at the moment helping me after knee surgery yesterday. She just came in and sat on my bed and did this little piggy on my toes... I'm 43 !!!! Go home already woman !!
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