I would definitely leave everything in his hands - but I also wouldn't lose my mind if he slacks off a bit with it.
So with the room for example - let him live in his filth and he can deal with the consequences of that. That said, I would be saying, "we have a rental inspection (or important guest or whatever) on XYZ day, and your room MUST be tidied. If it's not, then there will be consequences." This is fair IMO, and it's very much how real adult life works, so it's an actual lesson in responsibility.
Don't fold his clothes. Don't make his lunch. Let him be responsible for that. Hell, I'd eventually add a lot more chores in too - partly because he needs to pull his weight, but partly because that's how he will learn to be a functional adult. I didn't even know washing machines had a filter and was wondering why my clothes were always awful. My mother never showed me (she did all the washing) and never mentioned that there was even such a thing (ours was filter-less). I felt really inadequate as an adult just from not even knowing this stuff.
I even know young adults who don't know how to sweep a floor. I watch them and it's about the same as watching a toddler drag one around. Chores can help you learn for adulthood, and I think it's really very important for him to learn that responsibility now before it's essential.
I'd still be fair though - I wouldn't want someone saying, "You're less important, thus you must end your game smack bang in the middle of it because I want to do something and you're preventing that." Instead a more reasonable, "after that round/in 10 minutes/etc," or even "how long until you reach a save point?" etc and just being reasonable and fair. I think you get respect back when you give it as well, and of course you could say the same of him, but he's a kid... he has to learn from you, not be expected to just understand how it works.
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07-03-2016 20:27 #41
07-03-2016 20:40 #42
I totally agree OP that at 16 your DS should be taking more responsibility - not just to pull his weight but also because these are fundamental life skills that he needs to learn.
However, I think you and your DH were a little heavy handed in blocking him from the Internet. Online gaming often involves playing on teams (not sure if this is the case here) and generally isn't the sort of thing that is 'convenient' to stop immediately. Also, when gaming it's sometimes hard to keep track of how much time has passed. Did you expect him to stop immediately just because you said so? Or did you ask him to, say, stop in five minutes?
I think the message you sent was that your right to entertainment was more important than his, and I imagine you felt that way because you pay for the internet. As an adult I can see your point - as a teenager I would have regarded that as an unnecessary abuse of power and resented it. Yes, the reaction was inappropriate, but I can understand why he was upset in the first place. It's such a shame that it escalated the way it did.
So, if you would like any level of cooperation, I would separate your desire/requirement for your DS to pull his weight from the events that happened last night.
I agree with having a family meeting, and think you should lay out everything that needs to be done to run a household, including what you do for him, and give him a chance to choose what he will take on before you add some expectations of your own. If he doesn't take ownership then I imagine you will have to push and nag and it will be unpleasant for all concerned.
07-03-2016 20:42 #43We asked him 3 times to please turn it off for ten minutes so we could finish our show. When he didn't do it we blocked him from the internet.
You have no idea how many times I have seen this (in other people's homes) and the parents do nothing about it.
And it sh*ts me to tears!!! Lol.
Look, parent how you want to parent. Each household is different. My lunches were cut but I did my own washing. I cleaned my own room but mum made the bed...it was her 'thing'. *shrugs* Every house works differently. What matters here is that he listens to you, respects you and understands that you mean business and that no one but no one messes with your Netflix.
08-03-2016 04:50 #44-
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08-03-2016 14:22 #45
Sounds just like my 14yr old when he loses Internet. He soon learnt that that kind of reaction just got him banned longer.
I asked my 8 yr old to put a rubbish bag in the bin one last year and as I watched him try and work out how to do it I realised things needed to change. My kids now earn technology time with a job they pull out of a jar. They don't care about money so computer time is my 'bribery'.
They do normal every day jobs for nothing because I don't believe they should be paid for basic things like keeping their room clean or helping with the dishes.
The 14yr old cooks dinner once a week (protests the whole time mind you but he does it!).
My 5yr old makes his own lunch if I'm running behind in the morning!
You definitely need to follow through and teach this kid some life skills before he moves out! Also I would actually give a punishment for the tantrum because that **** is not on.
08-03-2016 18:46 #46
Absolutely stick to your word. He needs to wake up to reality. It sadly seems you have bought this on yoursrf from what you say.
When im home with the kids s4 d5 s7 all help make their own lunch. It takes longer but its good training IMHO
Now i gotta read 5 pages and see what happened
Last edited by DaveTTC; 08-03-2016 at 18:53.
08-03-2016 20:36 #47
OK...so I went back to making his lunch....I just can't help myself.
But we've all had a talk and him and YDS will be having more responsibility.
It started with him having to vacuum before I got home....so baby steps I guess.
As for the game, he was playing a single player game, not with anyone. Also he is the king of "just give me ten minutes." Half an hour later and he's still on there. So this time after the 3rd time asking we cut it off.
It's unfortunate it turned out how it did, but I would do that again.
Hopefully he got the point and we can all try to make things work a bit better.
08-03-2016 20:46 #48
Full disclosure, I do not have teens or experience raising them. However, I do believe we are raising kids to fend for themselves, amongst other things obviously.
These are not unreasonable requests of a 16 year old. At all.
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