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  1. #61
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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    @JR03 I saved this article from my newsfeed and think you may like it, there's also a couple links throughout the post to Janet Lanesbury and other tantrum tips.

    http://www.toddlerapproved.com/2013/...trums.html?m=1

    There's this quote from Lansbury included:

    "Acknowledge your child’s feelings and wishes, even if they seem ridiculous, irrational, self-centered or wrong. This is not the same as agreeing, and is definitely not indulgent or allowing an undesirable behavior.

    Acknowledgement isn’t condoning our child’s actions; it’s validating the feelings behind them. It’s a simple, profound way to reflect our child’s experience and inner self. It demonstrates our understanding and acceptance. It sends a powerful, affirming message… Every thought, desire, feeling — every expression of your mind, body and heart — is perfectly acceptable, appropriate and lovable."
    I know that when my child is devastated about being given the Dora bowl instead of the frozen one that that it is the most important thing in her world. I get that. I just change the bowl. No big deal.

    But...

    You can do all this stuff after the tantrum when they are much more calmer to actually absorb what you're saying and discuss the issue.

    I am not ignoring my child's feelings but rather talking to them when they're ready. I don't see the point in talking to a child mid tantrum. That's how I see it anyway

    When I'm angry or annoyed or upset the last thing I can do at that point in time is have a rational discussion.

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  3. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    I know that when my child is devastated about being given the Dora bowl instead of the frozen one that that it is the most important thing in her world. I get that. I just change the bowl. No big deal.

    But...

    You can do all this stuff after the tantrum when they are much more calmer to actually absorb what you're saying and discuss the issue.

    I am not ignoring my child's feelings but rather talking to them when they're ready. I don't see the point in talking to a child mid tantrum. That's how I see it anyway

    When I'm angry or annoyed or upset the last thing I can do at that point in time is have a rational discussion.
    What if the "Frozen" bowl is in the dishwasher? Do you get it out, wash it, dry it, and give it to her? Adding extra time to your morning or evening routine? I wouldn't. I'd say "If you want breakfast/dinner, then you will have it in this bowl. If not, then bad luck". Getting the other bowl out and washing/drying it would be reinforcing to my daughter that if she "cracks it" sufficiently, she'll get her own way. I am sure that many of us just don't have the luxury of time to tolerate this sort of behaviour.

    My Mum claims that the reason toddlers/little kids are so very cute is so you don't throttle them during this stage of their lives. Sort of a "Darwinian protective mechanism" to aid survival of the species.

    Sent from my SM-N910G using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  5. #63
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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by J37 View Post
    What if the "Frozen" bowl is in the dishwasher? Do you get it out, wash it, dry it, and give it to her? Adding extra time to your morning or evening routine? I wouldn't. I'd say "If you want breakfast/dinner, then you will have it in this bowl. If not, then bad luck". Getting the other bowl out and washing/drying it would be reinforcing to my daughter that if she "cracks it" sufficiently, she'll get her own way. I am sure that many of us just don't have the luxury of time to tolerate this sort of behaviour.

    My Mum claims that the reason toddlers/little kids are so very cute is so you don't throttle them during this stage of their lives. Sort of a "Darwinian protective mechanism" to aid survival of the species.

    Sent from my SM-N910G using The Bub Hub mobile app
    I avoid that tantrum by asking which bowl. Or my daughter will go to the cupboard and get her own bowl now. If the frozen one isn't there (we don't use our dishwasher so it's clean in dish rack anyway.)

    I leave for work at 7:20 three days a week getting 3 small kids out the door so I have my own time constraints.
    Last edited by BigRedV; 05-03-2016 at 06:27.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    You can do all this stuff after the tantrum when they are much more calmer to actually absorb what you're saying and discuss the issue.

    I am not ignoring my child's feelings but rather talking to them when they're ready. I don't see the point in talking to a child mid tantrum. That's how I see it anyway

    When I'm angry or annoyed or upset the last thing I can do at that point in time is have a rational discussion.
    Reminds me of a quote I read somewhere about a tantrum being like someone drowning. You don't sit there trying to teach someone to swim while they are drowning, you pull them out of the water &save them. But afterwards, you teach them to swim better.

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  9. #65
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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    I know that when my child is devastated about being given the Dora bowl instead of the frozen one that that it is the most important thing in her world. I get that. I just change the bowl. No big deal.

    But...

    You can do all this stuff after the tantrum when they are much more calmer to actually absorb what you're saying and discuss the issue.

    I am not ignoring my child's feelings but rather talking to them when they're ready. I don't see the point in talking to a child mid tantrum. That's how I see it anyway

    When I'm angry or annoyed or upset the last thing I can do at that point in time is have a rational discussion.
    That's fine, that's your parenting technique and your child. I personally dealt with two tantrums today by just simply stating to him that I knew why he was upset. I didn't do what he wanted, I just simply acknowledged it and he calmed down and moved on. Of course I have times where I get frustrated or have less patience but I've been slowly learning that dealing with my child this way works best for him and for my own sanity. Why does parenting this way or asking for advice on parenting this way have to be seen as negative?
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 05-03-2016 at 08:42.

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    No advice, following because I'm currently dealing with a threenager spawn of Satan. Aghhhhhh some days I think in going to lose the plot!

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  13. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    That's fine, that's your parenting technique and your child. I personally dealt with two tantrums today by just simply stating to him that I knew why he was upset. I didn't do what he wanted, I just simply acknowledged it and he calmed down and moved on. Of course I have times where I get frustrated or have less patience but I've been slowly learning that dealing with my child this way works best for him and for my own sanity. Why does parenting this way or asking for advice on parenting this way have to be seen as negative?
    It's not negative. I agree that feelings need to be acknowledged, but it's about the timing I guess. And as per the OP's example, it's not working during a tantrum. Some kids need to be left alone to calm down, then you can go about acknowledging their feelings.

    But while acknowledging their feelings, there is a big difference between "I can see you are sad that you don't want to wear those socks, let's go and change them" and "I can see you are sad that you can't change your socks. We need to go to daycare now, but when we get home we can get those socks out ready for tomorrow." I think that's what some of this discussion is about- how to respectfully parent but not to overindulge them.

  14. #68
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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    It's not negative. I agree that feelings need to be acknowledged, but it's about the timing I guess. And as per the OP's example, it's not working during a tantrum. Some kids need to be left alone to calm down, then you can go about acknowledging their feelings.

    But while acknowledging their feelings, there is a big difference between "I can see you are sad that you don't want to wear those socks, let's go and change them" and "I can see you are sad that you can't change your socks. We need to go to daycare now, but when we get home we can get those socks out ready for tomorrow." I think that's what some of this discussion is about- how to respectfully parent but not to overindulge them.
    I don't disagree with you, my comment was more just addressing a vibe from a few posters that trying to parent with this particular philosophy is ridiculous or overindulgent. Although I'm quoting BigRed I think she seems like a pretty patient mom. ☺️

    As far as OP's original example, I don't think it's necessarily that acknowledging her daughter's feelings isn't working I think it might be more a case that she's talking too much or giving too many choices, if that makes sense? You definitely have to keep your acknowledgement short and simple, if I get too 'wordy' DS obviously doesn't understand what I'm on about and it all becomes pointless as it just makes him more frustrated.
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 05-03-2016 at 09:22.

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  16. #69
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    my first born was a horrific 3 year old,
    my second born is 2.5 and stubborn,
    Choices where choices are available eg I have cups / plates etc down and he is able to get his own, I have shoes down and he chooses them but sometimes I just have to do it, if I have time I ask him would you like to do x or would you like me to help?

    with things like shopping if were only grabbing a couple of things I tell him you can walk BUT if you walk away / touch stuff etc then you will be put in the trolley,

    the tantrums are strong but I generally just say yes, you're angry / sad / upset about xyz and then ignore him, I dont cuddle a tantrum, he wouldnt let me anyway but once hes calmed down generally he will come for a hug

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    I'm feeling quite awful now. I would love to say things calmly such as "I understand that you're upset because of xxxx" but honestly when dd1 starts to push my buttons and gets her tanty panties on I start to get frustrated and angry instead and HAVE to walk away otherwise I end up in a shouting match with her.

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