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  1. #31
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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quadruplicate post 😂
    Last edited by JR03; 04-03-2016 at 18:49.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by RedCreamingSoda View Post
    OP I assume by your language that you are familiar with Janet Lansbury and RIE???? If not, look them up. Good luck. Xxx
    Yes, this. Her website has some articles on tantrums I've found really helpful I think the approach is respectful, whilst not permissive.

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    Quote Originally Posted by JR03 View Post
    Firstly thanks for taking the time to respond.

    I think my opinion on tantrums is different to a lot of you who have responded, it is either her response to a need not being met or her having emotions that she doesn't know how to handle. I never see a tantrum as being naughty or acting out, it's just the only way she knows how to deal with the situation. Which is why I don't ignore her or put her in a room on her own; I want to help her work through it and begin to learn how to react to those emotions. And only having one child, I do have the luxury of focusing all of my attention on her.
    My kids tantrums were usually about silly things like wanting a blue cup instead of a yellow cup, or wanting to eat a biscuit for breakfast, or wanting their sandwich cut in triangles instead of squares, or if a rice cake had broken, or not getting a lollipop at the shops. I ignore those tantrums.

    In the end it was easier if I asked what plate/bowl/cup they wanted, how they want their sandwich cut etc.

    But I also think that trying to negotiate with a tantruming toddler is pointless 99% of the time as they're just so unreasonable at the best of times without throwing a tantrum in the mix.

    If they know that's how they get your undivided doting attention then that's what they'll do to get it. When I walk away, my kids calm down and then we discuss it amicably.

    My kids still have tantrums, sure but they are very short lived and usually because they are tired or hungry.

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  6. #34
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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    My kids tantrums were usually about silly things like wanting a blue cup instead of a yellow cup, or wanting to eat a biscuit for breakfast, or wanting their sandwich cut in triangles instead of squares, or if a rice cake had broken, or not getting a lollipop at the shops. I ignore those tantrums.

    In the end it was easier if I asked what plate/bowl/cup they wanted, how they want their sandwich cut etc.

    But I also think that trying to negotiate with a tantruming toddler is pointless 99% of the time as they're just so unreasonable at the best of times without throwing a tantrum in the mix.

    If they know that's how they get your undivided doting attention then that's what they'll do to get it. When I walk away, my kids calm down and then we discuss it amicably.

    My kids still have tantrums, sure but they are very short lived and usually because they are tired or hungry.
    I think you're assuming that what JR03 or some of the rest of us are saying to try and explain our approach, that we have an attitude that means we are permissive of poor behavior or doting when really it is probably more of a combination of knowing what works for our child and a specific parenting style. For me, walking away often escalates the tantrum, whereas doing what other PPs have suggested usually sees him calm down much faster. It doesn't mean he 'always gets his way' and turns to a tantrum instantly to get my attention, it just means that for him he calms down faster when he feels like I understand why he's upset.
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 04-03-2016 at 19:18.

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    Default Respectfully parenting a threenager

    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    I think you're assuming that what JR03 or some of the rest of us are saying to try and explain our approach, that we have an attitude that means we are permissive of poor behavior or doting when really it is probably more of a combination of knowing what works for our child and a specific parenting style. For me, walking away often escalates the tantrum, whereas doing what other PPs have suggested usually sees him calm down much faster. It doesn't mean he 'always gets his way' and turns to a tantrum instantly to get my attention, it just means that for him he calms down faster when he feels like I understand why he's upset.
    The OP says she can't touch or talk to her, but she is allowed to stay in the room, door has to be open (I think) then she talks to her when she's calmed down a bit. Sounds like too much discussion and negotiation to me. She is calling the shots at that time and telling her mum what she can and can't do during a tantrum.

    Sometimes our kids are not going to like the way we deal with things and that's ok.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    The OP says she can't touch or talk to her, but she is allowed to stay in the room, door has to be open (I think) then she talks to her when she's calmed down a bit. Sounds like too much discussion and negotiation to me. She is calling the shots at that time and telling her mum what she can and can't do during a tantrum.

    Sometimes our kids are not going to like the way we deal with things and that's ok.
    I think it's more that it's new behavior that she's learning to deal with and she's trying to figure out how to do that inline with her parenting style.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    I think it's more that it's new behavior that she's learning to deal with and she's trying to figure out how to do that inline with her parenting style.
    Of course, but sometimes our kids are not going to like what we do and we need to get over it. They won't love us any less. I'm not going to let my 3 year old cross the road without holding my hand. If that hurts her feelings then too bad. I try and explain it and if she doesn't hold my hand then I carry her, which leads to her screaming and kicking.

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    And also, I'm just highlighting what worked for me, but I had 4 yo, 2 yo and newborn so as already has been pointed out, it's different when you only have 1 child.

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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRedV View Post
    Of course, but sometimes our kids are not going to like what we do and we need to get over it. They won't love us any less. I'm not going to let my 3 year old cross the road without holding my hand. If that hurts her feelings then too bad. I try and explain it and if she doesn't hold my hand then I carry her, which leads to her screaming and kicking.
    But that's what I mean, the 'respectful parenting' approach doesn't mean we just let them do what they like to avoid a tantrum. Of course I still hold my child's hand to cross a street when he doesn't want to or make him sit in his carseat.

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    When mine have had tantrums I don't negotiate. I basically tell them calmly what their options are and leave them to make their choice. I will tell them that I'm here to help them make the choice and for a hug when they are ready, but after that I leave them to it. Or if it's something I have to do for them I will tell them that it's happening and just do it. I don't think explaining anything to anyone in the middle of a tantrum is effective at all- it won't get through. You can reinforce why certain things need to happen at other times- when they are doing the right thing is good, as you can also praise them for doing the right thing 'thank you for getting straight in your car seat, you need to sit in here to keep you safe when we're driving'
    I do have a zero tolerance policy on hitting or throwing or deliberately damaging anything- that's a straight time out in our house. Time out is just sitting on the floor/my bed with me for as many minutes as they are old. It's basically a cooling down tool, but I will never tolerate anyone hurting anyone else or damaging things in my house- no negotiations or explanations, if you harm someone you are excluded immediately.

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