does anyone else ever feel regret about having their child/children or resentful of their existence? And really wish you could go back to that decision to have a much wanted child at the time & take it all back. To the extent you are ready to beg people to take them away from you permanently for both of your goods?
I keep reading places that you never regret the children you have, not those you don't, but what if you do? How do you get past that thinking & just get on with life
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19-02-2016 19:57 #1Senior Member
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- Feb 2016
19-02-2016 20:24 #2
Why do you feel this way?
I honestly could not imagine having those feelings.
19-02-2016 20:36 #3
I have definitely had those feelings, especially in the darkest days of depression. Once in a better head space though, those feelings disappeared.
I do often feel like we have made the wrong choice by having so many kids- I find myself thinking how much better off we would be if we stopped at 2 instead of going on to have 3, 4 and now 5. But its not regret as such. And I know in my heart I wouldnt change it for the world. I know these difficulties and the hard times won't be forever.
You have so much on your plate OP and I think anyone in your situation could easily feel this way. I really hope you are able to get the treatment you need so you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Could you maybe look into respite care for your ds? I have done this before at the recommendation of my Dr when I was severely depressed. It could be a weekend or longer if you need. Maybe something to look into?
19-02-2016 20:39 #4
Yep! I've been pretty open about it on here before. That quote about not regretting the children you have always bugs me too, it was things like that that helped me choose to continue an unplanned pregnancy, which in retrospect was a really dumb choice.
I've not been at the point of wanting DS to permanently go away (though he's only 1.5, we'll see how I cope when he's 2-3…), but I do wish I could go back and never have gotten pregnant in the first place.
I've found the best thing is to stop dwelling on it. Stop daydreaming about how good life might have been, stop beating myself up for the choices I made, and instead focus on all the ways that my life is actually pretty good now.
If you're not able to think of anything positive things at all, then it might be worth talking to a doctor about depression? You can be depressed because you're unhappy with an external situation, which is different to being unhappy with your situation because you're depressed. In either case you can get help, but there is a difference - I don't mean to dismiss or invalidate your feelings by suggesting they're just a symptom of depression.
Just a thought which could be totally wrong, but do you have any other major stressors going on at the moment that are exacerbating these feelings? Like work/money/relationships? Because if other things aren't going so well just because of bad luck, you might be focusing on something that you feel you did have some control over (the choice to have a child) as being the source of your bad situation now. If that makes sense?
How old is your child/children?
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19-02-2016 20:44 #5Senior Member
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- Feb 2006
Hi OP, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are feeling so down and so hopeless at the moment, and that I hope you can get the help you need.
Huge hugs, and take care. xx
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19-02-2016 20:57 #6
No, BUT...I think there must be plenty of people who do. Honestly, it's a huge huge change/commitemnt, but people make out like nobody could ever feel negatively about their kids. Of course they can. Of COURSE people regret it...it's just not acceptable for people to discuss openly.
I think it's like anything in life where things don't go the way you want/you resent or regret certain parts of your life. If you can't change it, you have to find a way to live with it. NO specific advice, but a councilor etc. may be a good option.
All the best.
19-02-2016 20:57 #7
I have. I went through a period a couple of years ago where I was utterly convinced my life would have been better had I not had children. I told people that and they were shocked. I remember feeling so alienated and alone. However, at the time I was pretty depressed and suicidal and ultimately made a futile (obviously unsuccessful) attempt on my life. I really thought my children would be better off with DH and whomever he remarried.
I don't know how I got through it. I saw a psychologist for a year which helped a bit but otherwise, I kind of just muddled my way through it.
I've read a few of your threads OP, I can empathise with where you're at. I have no real advice but I can absolutely empathise. I'm always up for a chat via PM if you need. It's a crappy place to be and it's really hard to get through, but it's possible to feel positive about being a parent and about your kids. I wish you luck x
19-02-2016 21:05 #8
Have they not found a bed for you yet OP? I hope you get one soon.
No I haven't feel that way but there seems to be a strong correlation with those that have and depression. Do you remember feeling this way when you weren't depressed or is it a new feeling?
19-02-2016 21:07 #9
OP I've felt these emotions you describe a lot. In a way, adapting to motherhood has involved grieving over elements of my life that I have had to sacrifice.
If I had known what my life would involve now, and the fact that my having a baby would result in the breakdown of my marriage, I'm only 50/50 that I would have gone through with my pregnancy.
That's not to say that I don't adore my son of course. But yes, I definitely resent/regret his presence at times.
How I deal with it? Well, I let myself acknowledge these feelings instead of burying them away. I accept that it is not my DS's fault - I made a choice to have him - and commit to fulfilling my responsibility as his mother to the best of my ability. That means cutting myself some slack every now and then and taking it day to day.
And, on my list is therapy, if I can damn well find someone where I live at some point (been trying for two years). Because, while I think these feelings are not necessarily uncommon, I don't believe they are healthy for anyone involved.
19-02-2016 21:43 #10
Firstly, big hugs.. Secondly, its fantastic that you are acknowledging your feelings. I'm not sure what your circumstances are but it sounds as though you are seeking help? I think many parents have moments where they imagine what life would be like if they didn't have kids, whether it be for a second or a much greater period. Parenting is bloody hard work, and mix that with difficult life circumstances or illness and its much much harder. I hope you receive the help and support you need and remember that there is so much support here for you whenever you need xx
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