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  1. #41
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    @TheDad , sounds to me you did the right thing. Your dd is going to daycare on different days to the boy, both kids are being shadowed, you spoke to the childcare and directors straight away.

  2. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I don't understand how you are so trusting of the centre. It's not like they did a great job fulfilling their supervisory responsibilities earlier in the week! Did you ever get to the bottom of why the educators didn't witness the alleged incident? What were the ratios at the time? What activities were being conducted? Were educators sitting on their **** chatting? (It happens). Is there an area of the playground that isn't great for visibility - in which case has the centre closed it off?
    The playground at the daycare my DS attends cannot be seen 'at all times' by carers. The kids are between 2.5-4.

    You cannot accuse a centre of not keeping an eye on every single child every minute of the day. As parents we don't watch every move our child makes - you cannot have the expectation that carers should.

    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    In that case I think your husband is out of line for encroaching on your safe space and posting in the thread.

    Your husband should be admitting he made a bad call and apologising unreservedly - not campaigning as to why he did the right thing and not expecting justification as to why you're upset .
    How do you know it is a bad call?? You are not judge, jury and executioner. We are all human and depending on the situation make our own assessments.

    I have not been in this situation. They are still so little. But the boy has a right to still be in care. He is not a hardened pedophile. It is with the correct people to deal with it.

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  4. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by mutex View Post
    Thank you! Your response is everything I am thinking. The disturbing part was the fact my daughter described in such detail what had happened. I have had concerns with the lack of supervision in he past - there is huge outdoor area and sometimes the staff don't seem to watching the children close enough - I know they are busy but perhaps a little understaffed. DH, my mum and his mum are all told me not to catch a flight home so in between crying and yelling at DH I missed booking the last flight. there's one at 6am that I will be on though. I just needed someone to tell me I wasn't be irrational (which is what everyone else seems to be doing)
    I was thinking the same, if you think it could be that serious why are worried more about your career? Your kids come first or should do.
    As for the incident something doesn't add up and your failing to see that it may not have been a boy at school at all. I would be getting my butt home and get her to a counsellor to find out what is happening to her

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  6. #44
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I think it's really weird for a husband to come, create an online account on a parenting forum and post in a thread like this. Just call your wife and tell her. Don't play it out over the Internet.

    There are a few flags that make me think there may be control or other issues at play here.
    Oh VP, what on earth makes you think that he is saying all these things to his wife for the first time ever? Has it not occurred to you that they have had extensive phone chats since this all came out? That TheDad is posting because his wife did, everyone is up in arms, so he wanted to clarify what his actions have been post-incident? It's really not that outlandish.

    TheDad- I think you handled almost everything perfectly. Sounds like you stayed very levelheaded and did everything you needed to do in regards to your DD and the daycare. And while I can completely understand your reasoning behind why you didn't tell your wife, I do think you should have told her. As a parent, she should be informed of all goings on of her child, especially something as major as this. Even if you had waited perhaps until you spoke to the day care the next morning, so you could reassure her of what actions you'd taken, but she needed to be informed.
    As long as you follow up on this; ensure that this 'shadowing' of your child and the other child is taking place each day, and personally I would be following up on the whether this is reportable to see if the other child is in an abusive situation at home etc.

    Mutex- I personally don't think you need to come home, though I guess you're probably on a plane already. Your husband has said your DD is not behaving in a traumatised manner. This of course needs to be monitored, but at present, he said she seems ok. Perhaps he could book in appointment to a counsellor. I think her continuing to go to care is the right thing to do as long as the daycare can ensure her safety. A disruption in her routine could make her feel like she has done something wrong. He has dealt with the daycare already, had a meeting etc.
    If you think that there is some major action that he has not done, ask him over the phone.
    I get that you want to be with your DD, but I do think it can wait a couple of days, if this work thing is that important.
    I do worry that your going to come home, run in the room and grab her and sob and sob that you're so sorry, is she ok etc. which is really the wrong thing to do for her. You need to be able to compose yourself and stay calm for her sake.

    I am very sorry to hear this has happened to your DD. I hope she, and you guys, will all be ok.
    Last edited by CMF; 18-02-2016 at 08:06.

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  8. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyGolightly81 View Post
    And you are too cynical.
    I agree. And paranoid/over protective. Sometimes I wonder how some people ever leave their house. Everyone is the enemy and out to harm us it would seem to some!

  9. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by CMF View Post
    Oh VP, what on earth makes you think that he is saying all these things to his wife for the first time ever? Has it not occurred to you that they have had extensive phone chats since this all came out? That TheDad is posting because his wife did, everyone is up in arms, so he wanted to clarify what his actions have been post-incident? It's really not that outlandish.

    TheDad- I think you handled almost everything perfectly. Sounds like you stayed very levelheaded and did everything you needed to do in regards to your DD and the daycare. And while I can completely understand your reasoning behind why you didn't tell your wife, I do think you should have told her. As a parent, she should be informed of all goings on of her child, especially something as major as this. Even if you had waited perhaps until you spoke to the day care the next morning, so you could reassure her of what actions you'd taken, but she needed to be informed.
    As long as you follow up on this; ensure that this 'shadowing' of your child and the other child is taking place each day, and personally I would be following up on the whether this is reportable to see if the other child is in an abusive situation at home etc.

    Mutex- I personally don't think you need to come home, though I guess you're probably on a plane already. Your husband has said your DD is not behaving in a traumatised manner. This of course needs to be monitored, but at present, he said she seems ok. Perhaps he could book in appointment to a counsellor. I think her continuing to go to care is the right thing to do as long as the daycare can ensure her safety. A disruption in her routine could make her feel like she has done something wrong. He has dealt with the daycare already, had a meeting etc.
    If you think that there is some major action that he has not done, ask him over the phone.
    I get that you want to be with your DD, but I do think it can wait a couple of days, if this work thing is that important.
    I do worry that your going to come home, run in the room and grab her and sob and sob that you're so sorry, is she ok etc. which is really the wrong thing to do for her. You need to be able to compose yourself and stay calm for her sake.

    I am very sorry to hear this has happened to your DD. I hope she, and you guys, will all be ok.
    So well said.

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  11. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I don't understand how you are so trusting of the centre. It's not like they did a great job fulfilling their supervisory responsibilities earlier in the week! Did you ever get to the bottom of why the educators didn't witness the alleged incident? What were the ratios at the time? What activities were being conducted? Were educators sitting on their **** chatting? (It happens). Is there an area of the playground that isn't great for visibility - in which case has the centre closed it off?
    I wonder about the staff supervisiom too! And I highly doubt the shadowing will happen at the centre due to limited staff.
    I would be beyond furious if my dh kept something like that from me.

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  13. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I don't understand how you are so trusting of the centre. It's not like they did a great job fulfilling their supervisory responsibilities earlier in the week! Did you ever get to the bottom of why the educators didn't witness the alleged incident? What were the ratios at the time? What activities were being conducted? Were educators sitting on their **** chatting? (It happens). Is there an area of the playground that isn't great for visibility - in which case has the centre closed it off?
    with due respect incidents can happen in even the BEST run centers, its why we have reporting laws, its why we have documentation, its why we have shadow systems and behavioural management plans and cafs reports and behavioural reviews and meetings to discuss incidents and what to do next,

    and you would have no idea incidents are occuring because the ONLY people notified are the parents of the children involved and (depending on what it is, in this case it would be) a report to cafs (if it was witnessed)

    the center cant really do much else as they did not witness it, but there will be documentation, there will be possible reports and meetings with the other parent, the centre however can not LEGALLY inform you of this

  14. #49
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    I actually don't find it that outlandish that the Dad has posted on here trying to explain himself. This is such a traumatic thing for a parent to go through and its so hard to know what to do, and how to react, and how to process it yourself. I can see how someone might find it hard to speak to their family and friends about it and instead turn to an internet forum for validation. I'm sure he's also spoken to his wife about it all at great length as well.

    OP, I second the suggestion of calling Bravehearts. They really are excellent in these situations. Big hugs, its one of the worst things to have to confront as a parent.

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  16. #50
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    I'm in the unusual position of having worked in childcare law. I've dealt with cases involving alleged sexual behaviour between children.

    First of all, this is a notifiable event under their insurance policy. You might want to make sure they've notified their insurer. Hopefully they'll pass it on to a lawyer, who'll then tell them what to do.

    Second, as mandatory reporters, they do need to report this as there is a possibility that a child is being abused.

    You've also got to realise that if all of this information is coming from a child and it wasn't witnessed, that no one is going to be entirely sure what happened. Plus there's no requirement for 'hawkeye' supervision so the fact it wasn't witnessed means nothing in a legal sense (that argument can actually backfire in court). Coming in cold, it could also be suggested that the child making the allegations is the one being abused and she's making it up based on something that happened at home. This is absolutely not me suggesting that's what happened, but I'm trying to let you know how this kind of thing is dealt with from a cold, objective, unemotional perspective. They look at all options. It's actually very difficult to handle this when the allegations have come only from the child.

    The last thing is that I've read many psych reports on kids who've had stuff like this happen. What becomes clear is that the parents' reaction means everything. She doesn't need to understand what a terrible thing this was if she hasn't come up with that reaction herself. She needs to know that people can't touch her like that, but the kids that come out damaged are often the ones where the parents were breaking down in front of them, taking them out of care, screaming and yelling in front of them about the other child, fighting with each other and generally letting them know how bad it was.

    Anyway, the centre should be notifying their insurer, DHS and have a plan in place to stop this happening again. If they're shadowing both kids it sounds like they're doing that.

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