Earlier this year we moved interstate (me, DH and 3 kids) from SA to Qld.
He insisted SA was dead, that opportunities in Qld were plentiful and that life would be better for us all etc. Went on like this for months. I admit that at the time I was quite frustrated with the lack of services available for my son. Waiting some 13 months for an OT and then having issues with the speechy who seemed intent on creating trouble for me with the NDIS...it was a time when I was making decisions based on what was best for my kids, not me.
So we went. Packed up a lot and put into storage and left with the basics.
Landed a house, got my eldest into school, the other into kindy and the other I'm keeping at home. Have been getting to know the town, making friends, generally trying to fit in. I even started attending the local TAFE one day a week. Surprisingly, I really love it.
Meanwhile, he wants to move back.
The town sucks. The house sucks. The area sucks. The real estate agency sucks (which they kinda do actually). Always complaining about the sound travelling from the house (we live in an elevated Queenslander) or that it's hot, just SOMETHING. It's everyone's fault but his.
Just tired of the constant complaining. Then he puts it onto me. I don't do enough around the house, on the computer all the time, there's never any food in the house (maybe if he stopped eating there would be) and I notice that lately, there's been a few six packs in the fridge.
He's obviously at a loose end. But blaming others isn't going to help. And I deeply resent the fact that he has the temerity to point the finger when clearly he's doing bugger all to help himself out of the rut he finds himself in. I've tried to get him to see a GP, encouraged him to take on a hobby, given him free rein to get out of the house and do things, not placed any massive wants on him just that he drops off our son on Wednesdays while I'm at TAFE.
I made a big mistake moving. Because I'm not financially sound having spent a fair bit moving and settling in. I keep thinking that we should have just moved towns within SA. Now that son no. 1 is settling into school, the prospect of moving again is not something I want to do. He needs routine. His life is stable because of it. And I'm alone. So very alone. Not lonely. Just conscious of being very alone. Not the woe is me alone but just the solid realisation that I don't have anyone I know near me, no support and just that inner voice saying 'well you really f*ckd up this time, didn't you..der..'
I'm having a hard time mustering up any sense of loyalty to my husband because I feel he's being a prick, totally devoid of any real sense of how this move has impacted the rest of us and that we moved essentially because he wanted us to. I want him to reclaim his balls and just stand up, stop whinging and have a go at life!!!!! I look at him and think what the hell happened to you?
I have no idea where I am supposed to be. I feel so displaced. I go shopping and I stop in at BigW and head to the book section thinking that I'll pick up a decent book and that'll pick me up out of my funk. Instead I find cheery self help books by skinny, straight toothed blogger-turned-life-coach-tribe-queens who tell you to embrace your inner goddess and master your mean girl and I just look at them and think am I the only one who thinks this is a pile of sh*t? Then I walk away feeling morose because everyone else must get them because they're bestsellers....
I'm giving this town a go because, well I'm here and I don't want to sit in a corner and boo hoo all day. I go for walks, I try to look beyond my immediate circumstances but the crush that hangs onto my heart remains. For the first time I am seriously considering a split from DH. The stress is enormous. Lately, I am always in a state of feeling as though I've gotten nothing done and that I'm doing nothing with my life. My eldest is constantly saying he wants to go home and it breaks my heart over and over again trying to explain to him that this is home now and seeing the expressionless look on his face while he searches mine for answers.
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16-02-2016 03:32 #1
I've made such a big mistake
Last edited by Mrs Tickle; 16-02-2016 at 03:35.
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16-02-2016 04:02 #2
You sound like an incredibly resourceful and resilient person. Can you put a timeline on your family settling in, before you have any further discussions about moving back to SA?
While a move back "may" help your marriage, I can't imagine what it'd do to your self esteem, your sense of self respect. Sounds like you've really worked hard to not only integrate the whole family into their new lives, but also yourself, making the absolute most of it at a time when it would have likely been easier to curl up on the couch every day watching TV and eating Tim tams.
16-02-2016 04:17 #3
Hi, I don't have any experience but you sound to me like you are claiming this new life and embracing it.
Change can be hard. However, I totally understand how frustrating it must be for you that your husband is being a mopey mope when it was all his idea.
Keep trying to encourage him to get out of the house and find something he enjoys. Does he play a sport?
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16-02-2016 05:39 #4-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
I've made such a big mistake
Hey Hun sorry you're feeling crappy. I've moved a bit and know how hard it can be - especially once kids are involved.
It's easy to get into a cycle of negativity. Where you can try and nip any negativity in the bud. Try not to blame your hubby for the move - after all you agreed to it and could have said no.
Why did you move to that particular town? If there is a specific reason - can that reason offer you positives?
When I Feel out of control it helps if I write lists and create a plan. As a Pp mentioned could you nominate a time period for settling in, and plan to move after that date?
Talk to your hubby about how sad you are. It sounds like your both in the same boat in that regard.
Best of luck
Last edited by VicPark; 16-02-2016 at 05:43.
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16-02-2016 05:51 #5
I've made such a big mistake
Is your husband working? I really think it sounds like you're doing your best to make a life in your new town and I know how hard that is and to feel like you've given up a lot for what your husband needed or wanted. We moved to London for DH's work when I was 6 months pregnant and f**k was it hard. I can't imagine how hard it would be if DH then had the attitude your husband did and made me feel like essentially 'why the f**k did we move here then?'
My biggest advice is for you both to give yourselves time. I've learned with all of my moves that it takes 1-2 years to really start to feel at home in a new country/city. After one year you feel much better about your choice and after two you feel like the place is home.
....Will come back to finish this, DS is finished with his bath!!!
Eta: I'm back ☺️.... One thing that has just occurred to me is don't underestimate the power of hating the actual house you live in. We actually moved 6 months into living in London because I genuinely felt like I was going to go crazy and loose my sh*t if we stayed in our previous apartment any longer. The constant noise from various neighbors (music, talking, bathroom noises, etc---London living 😖) was making me want to pull my hair out. There are two things about this, (one)--the place was really ridiculously noisy but (two)---my PND also made me incredibly sensitive to noises and unable to tolerate them. Could this be happening with your husband? The house is actually pretty noisy but maybe he also is experiencing some depression or anxiety that is making it impossible for him to tolerate it? Moving to a quieter location helped me immensely, is this a possibility? Still stay in your current town but move elsewhere? That way the expense is cheaper than moving back to SA and you also don't have to completely start over again. Antidepressants will also help his edginess and make him more tolerant of any noises the house is making, that could be a first port of call, exploring if he is depressed?
I think it sounds like you're doing a great job and I hope it all gets easier. How long have you guys actually been there?
Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 16-02-2016 at 07:12.
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16-02-2016 10:17 #6
I've got no advice except you sound like a resilient, resourceful and strong woman! You sound amazing under the current circumstances. Those kids of yours and pain in the a r s e hubby are lucky to have you! I agree with you about those frucking self help from perfect goddess books. I picked up the I Quit Sugar book once and nearly laughed at how beautiful she is. Stay strong beautiful X
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16-02-2016 10:39 #7
The self help books? Mate, just seeing them on the shelf makes me want to drink a bottle of wine. Go online to the book depository and only look at books you like, that's what I do. Cheap books, free postage and I can be in my pjs with a block of chocolate without accidently coming across one stupid perfect teeth, perfect hair 'I'm so fit and amazing' cover
It sounds like you're really giving a difficult situation everything you've got. Was your DH a bit depressed before you left? Reason I ask is because I know my exH always thought it was where we lived that caused him to feel frustrated and down on life. He'd want to move for a 'fresh start' but the new place would somehow bring all the same or slightly different woes. He couldn't see (and is still doing it to this day) that the issue was an internal one, not external. Or maybe your DH had a very optimistic 'grass is greener' attitude to moving and saw it as a solution to all his problems, then when he got there it didn't live up to his expectations and he's not dealing with it.
I have no real advice for how to handle it though :/ It sounds like you're doing everything right - trying to settle in yourself, suggesting he sees a GP, gets hobbies etc. If it were me, I'd probably blow up and say "YOU wanted to move here, if it's not what you expected that's not my fault, now get up and make a go of it!" But of course, that may not help, that's just what I know I'd actually do in the situation, right or wrong
16-02-2016 11:14 #8
In all honesty it sounds like he's depressed, therefore viewing everything in a negative light.
From your post it seems like you're not happy either, but you are trying to make the most of it. He's unhappy, but the difference is he seems to have thrown in the towel.
It's high time he stopped nit picking and blaming you for his unhappiness. He needs to own that this decision hasn't panned out how he hoped it would and come up with a solution to remedy it. Do you think finding a more suitable house in the same area would help a lot?
Sit down with him and hash it out. It's not good enough for him to say 'I hate this, I hate that, I want to move'. It might be true, but it's not helpful. Constructive discussion and planning is needed.
18-02-2016 14:09 #9
Ladies, your responses made my day.
Much discussion and other forms of communication (eg. object throwing) going on.
18-02-2016 14:31 #10
I can't improve on the good advise given by PP's above. Wise and sound.
I just wanted to say, you are a very strong and very awesome sounding woman.
You and your attitude are fabulous!
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