Jus wondering if i am being a hormonal cow or if anyone else ever feels the same.
I am quite an introvert, i enjoy my own company and don't need to be around people all the time to be happy. Only exception there is my hubby who I could be around 24/7 and not get sick of him.
We are expecting our first child together and lately i have been feeling guilty if i don't see family or friends as often as i think they expect.
All i have ever wanted out of life is my own little family and doing our own thing, i know that sounds incredibly selfish and in no way would i ever exclude any family members from being a part of a child's life, but lately i am feeling like i am constantly pulled iv every direction to see people and if i don't, i feel bad.
How do other people manage fitting in to see everyone with their kids and still get plenty of time to themselves (Me, DH & bub)?
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15-02-2016 14:20 #1
15-02-2016 15:10 #2
I found people often wanted to spend every moment with you during pregnancy and up until the baby was a few months old, then they lose a bit of interest. I get very anxious in forced social settings so I always just told people I was too exhausted. I am lucky my husband has no problems being blunt with people and just said we need some us time.
15-02-2016 15:15 #3
It's really hard to find the balance and I have seen it go both ways. Some people feel like after they have kids no one wants to spend time with them anymore or call them anymore.
I think if you want your family time just politely decline or postpone the catchup.
15-02-2016 15:16 #4
Put yourself first. Email and message people to let them keep in touch but say you're too tired to catch up.
When the baby is born there will be an initial flurry to see you. Don't let anyone come who hasn't had their whooping cough vaccination, might keep some away.
Then because you have kids you cease to exist or be invited to anything.
Slightly exaggerating there. But it does happen!
15-02-2016 15:17 #5
You learn to speak up for yourself. I just said nope, I'm pregnant and tired and staying home. Or go away I'm napping. I sent DH to represent us at family dos when I didn't feel like socialising.
As pp said though I find that there is a wave of interest when pregnant and then with a newborn, but it's the later months when you are sleep deprived and lonely and wanting a pair of hands to come help nobody is anywhere to be found any more!
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15-02-2016 15:34 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
I can relate to what you're saying OP, I'm quite introverted too and really value 'me' time and time alone with DH and DD. I find after spending time socializing I NEED time alone or I get really overwhelmed, grumpy and emotional; it's like a physical need to be a hermit and recharge.
Luckily after all these years my friends and family know me well and if I ignore their phone calls or decline their invites they don't take it personally.
In your post you said you feel bad, is that because other people make you feel bad or is it something within you? If it's the case of friends or family getting offended and making you feel bad you should just be honest and say you're really tired and just need some time alone and will call them to organize a catch up when you're up to it.
If it's just you making yourself feel bad I think that tends to stem more from a lack of self worth - feeling that your wants and needs aren't as important or valuable as what others want. I've been there and it took me a while to realize that it's ok to say no sometimes; I think we're often conditioned to always put ourselves last but in the end you burn yourself out that way.
15-02-2016 15:36 #7
I too find myself easily stressed out and feeling taxed with too many demands on my time. my dh is quite social (well more than me) whereas I'm quite happy to just entertain myself a lot of the time. I find if I don't get that down time, I get ratty and irritable.
not sure how far along you are (congrats on the pregnancy btw) but we're almost ready to have bub and the demands have started, mainly from mil. she's started telling dh we need to tell her when we are on the way to the hospital. now for many reasons, this just stresses me out. I want privacy and space (mental, psychological etc) to birth my baby. not worried about the phone ringing and dh answering prying questions about what stage of labour I'm in.
I also (and like you, feel quite selfish saying this) don't want any visitors straight away. apart from feeling like bub is too small and new to passed around like a present, I feel the first couple of weeks are special and should be treasured and enjoyed as you've just become a new family. not an endless parade of visitors and making cups of tea for people.
to complicate things further, my family lives interstate and will want to visit too. we've said no visitors right away but once we are settled they're welcome to come. I've made it clear we aren't having house guests though. 4 adults and a new bub and zero routine will just erode me too much mentally. I'm aware of this though and have just had to have the conversations with people to lay down the boundaries I'm comfortable with.
I realise people may get hurt or out of joint but really, that's their problem. my priority is dh and our new baby. I'm not bending backwards to accommodate family and friends and other people who are grown adults.
I'd recommend just sticking to your guns and having the conversations you need to have to manage people's expectations early. no use having these talks once you're in labour or worse, after bubs is born and people will just put your requests down to being tired/hormonal/suggesting you have pnd. I'd also suggest talking to your hubby and ensuring you're both on the same page. no use you laying boundaries and him inviting over all and sundry for a baby meet and greet when you're not up to it.
if you and your dh are on the same page and presenting a united front, it becomes a lot easier to get people to listen to you.
I also don't think you should feel bad for wanting a lot of me time right now. your lives are about to change beyond recognition. it's a huge deal and I think it's only natural to want time and space to yourself to process what's ahead of you and prepare for the journey in front of you as new parents. also, once bubs is here you'll get hardly any time alone so enjoy this special time while it lasts! I know I am!
my sister's motto during pregnancy was "if you can't be selfish during pregnancy, when can you be selfish" and I'm running with it. I do things I feel I can reasonably accommodate but if I don't feel up to something or am not in the mood, I'm not pushing myself. don't feel selfish or bad for putting yourself first. nobody else will put you first so you may as well!!
Last edited by turquoisecoast; 15-02-2016 at 15:40.
15-02-2016 15:45 #8
I have set days to see people- between pregnancy tiredness, appointments, kids, and work people just have to suck it up.
Sundays are for H's parents, we go to theirs. Always have.
Tuesday I see my aunt.
Thursday medical appointments.
Monday and Friday are school stuff.
Wednesday is my me day.
Saturday is me, H and kids.
15-02-2016 15:50 #9
I'm a lot like you too OP and I find I have to learn to say 'no'. DH's mum can be very demanding. She constantly calls wanting us to come and stay with her. Its lovely that she likes our company, but she doesn't take no for an answer and just keeps badgering us to come up and visit.
I've had to become better at scheduling down time on the calendar and respecting it as much as I'd respect an appointment, and then just tell her that 'sorry we're already busy that weekend.'
15-02-2016 16:20 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
oh i feel for you op. I'm like that myself, i just cannot stand company lately... people and noise get on my nerves and i'm extremely busy with my kids and all their extra curricular activities.. i don't care for small talk or gossip, i'd rather bury my nose in a book..i'm extremely tired and not well at the moment. one mum in particular at my kids school just decided i'm her new best friend.. she literally hangs off me, and the other day i said no to invites to hang out with her 4 times in less than 10 hours.. which irritated me to no end. surely she should get the msg?! today i greet her with a hello and she is obviously huffy with me. meh no skin of my nose, i don't really care.. i'm not a people pleaser. give them a inch and they take a mile.
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