I saw it as more the question that if you don't want to marry me, Id like to change my name so we all (kids and us) have the same last name? And for him to say "not sure" seems to say without saying I'm not that into you?! If I read that right...?
I changed my name when i married (was quite young) and saw it as more loyalty towards my husband given my father was a a@@hole. Couldnt wait to have no association with him. Helps that I was 1/3 girls - we all changed our names. No dependence here ☺
Edit: If I were to get divorced, I would keep my married name - my professional career was built with it (all testamurs have it on them) and its the same as my childrens - and its actually much nicer than my maiden name 😅
Marriage is important to me and was a necessity for me to agree to kids (albiet 4 years later), but I am a Ms and don't wear a ring either - DH never takes his off. We are committed.
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24-01-2016 14:45 #71Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2014
Last edited by KitiK; 24-01-2016 at 14:53.
24-01-2016 15:31 #72Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
How important is marriage to you?
Religion, tradition, 2 happily married sets of parents. Plus I wanted to be married b4 having kids.
When times got really tough between us it was, for me, the ritual and the affirmation that we made in front of family and friends that kept me going. I don't think I would have made as much of an effort if there wasn't that to look back on.
But everyone is different and no judgement to those who don't feel the same.
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24-01-2016 16:31 #73
Marriage as a concept is not important to me at all.
MY marriage is important to me- because the relationship is important, not because we are married. It's just paper.
24-01-2016 16:56 #74Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2014
Or maybe, there is reading between the lines to be done...and if there is, then you may as well learn about them now so you can work on either fixing the relationship, or you can move on and find someone who can commit to you.
No one can tell you what the answer is, only your DP. So, if it was me, I would sit down and have a talk...with no pressure to marry, just to learn his reasons why he doesn't want to marry or share a name. Just tell him you're feeling hurt by his change of mind and want to understand his POV more, so you can stop worrying.
24-01-2016 17:17 #75
Ive been with my partner for 25 years and can say marriage to us is not important. I have no plans to get married at all. We couldn't be more committed to each other with a piece of paper.
24-01-2016 17:41 #76
I also agree with the part where someone else said they'd understand if their dp said I categorically don't believe in marriage. rather than saying yes I believe in it, but then not committing. would definitely make me question is something wrong with the relationship. I'd honestly take it as a signal that he's just not that into me.
my dh said he was initially dubious on marriage as his parents marriage had ended in infidelity and divorce and his mum turned into a very clingy and needy person. so I can see it put him off it a bit, at least the idea of it. but in the end it didn't stop him from proposing and marrying me. I really think anyone that uses their parents failed marriage as an example of why they don't want to get married is just giving pathetic excuses.
24-01-2016 18:06 #77Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2011
I genuinely do not think marriage is important. I do like the idea that people are so committed to love but I think the reality of what marriage actually is and the historical origins of marriage are based on disolusion and an (unreal) sense of ownership. I also think many people get married because they see it as a sign of success. As a society, we care how others see us.
I also feel that love isn't bound.
But out I am always happy for people dear to me when they get married. 😊
24-01-2016 18:15 #78
24-01-2016 19:12 #79
Marriage changed nothing day to day, but it also changed EVERYTHING.
I realised that there was an underlying feeling of "what do I need to do / be to be worth him marrying me"
We already had one daughter and I was 5 months pregnant with our second when he proposed. I never doubted his love for us, didnt fear he would leave. But getting married seemed to just change everything, emotionally. No doubts. I have the same name as my children, which is wonderful. It's hard to explain when you dont know the couple involved. Im a confident person, very happy within our relationship, never feared he would leave. But getting married released some sort of unconscious doubt I had. That he wasn't waiting for someone worth marrying. That I didn't have to "achieve or be" something to be worth marrying.
That probably all comes out like garbage. But my easiest explanation is that it changes nothing day to day, but changes everything in your soul.
This is the opinion of someone who was in a relation where i DID want to be married. I know it's not an accurate reflection for everyone. I know lots of people happily not married, but they are both happy with it that way.
25-01-2016 16:20 #80
Sorry everyone! I planned to reply this Morning and completely forgot!
Managed to have a short conversation with Dp. He has said he wants to get married. He can see it happening. More going to say Fraser Island and getting married with just a few people (which I'm 110% happy with!) but he just doesn't want to just yet. He's talking like 4 or 5 years from now. Which I guess I can be happy with. I love this man. I know he loves me. I just hope he might think a proposal would be great. I'm happy to be engaged for a few years. Not concerned with that. I'm hoping it's a start to the future that's important to me.
I asked him again and changing my last name and he said he could handle that. But he'd prefer to get married. So I guess that's a good thing?!
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