He sounds very confused about what he wants. On the one hand I agree that if it's something you want and isn't going to cause him harm, then why not do it for you. But, on the other hand, I'd caution against pushing for that. I know several men (and was married to one before) who got married when they weren't ready / sure that's what they wanted and it often spells disaster. For some reason it's like that step in commitment makes them suddenly freak out that they're going to miss out on the weekends of hot tub parties with supermodels (that were never going to happen) and it can put years of strain on a relationship.
I also don't believe having children is showing "way more of a commitment than marriage". Sorry, I know lots of people who have chosen never to have children but are completely committed to their spouse and I know so many men (and some women) who have several children with several different people (all of whom were together, not one night stands) and they've been pretty happy to break that commitment too. They might be committed to the child, but not necessarily the other parent. I know women who have 'chosen to have a child' with a man they admit they wouldn't marry, but have settled for because they are getting older and wanted a child.
A wedding is not commitment as such, nor is a baby. The ongoing way you act in a marriage or a non-married partnership is. Commitment is shown by the way you treat your partner, whether you both make sacrifices to make each other happy, by the way you respect them and become involved in each other's lives.
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24-01-2016 11:54 #61
24-01-2016 12:04 #62
I've been with my hubby for 7 years in March.
Marriage has always been a very important thing to me.. And hubby says the same, "I'll only ever get married once"... He, however, has been engaged twice before we met.. I always thought I'd be married before I had children.. But here I am, 27 weeks and not even a ring.. In my eyes (and his) we are engaged and married but there's not paper or jewellery that says so... I have his name tattooed in a very private place and I'm usually pretty content with what we have.. Sometimes it gets to me a little that he's been engaged to other women and he hasn't 'popped the question' to me and it does make me feel insecure.. But he is with me, I'm with him and we are starting a family together.. Regardless of his past and his other children (who will always have a place in our family) I'm happy..
24-01-2016 12:24 #63
In saying that, OP, it sounds like he's scared of taking that next step. He needs to be honest about where he sees the two of you heading and I would not be waiting around too long for him to work it out. He's either sure about you or he isn't. This whole will or will not marry you loop he's going on isn't acceptable.
24-01-2016 13:05 #64Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
@Hasselhoff I think there's a big difference between being philosophically opposed to marriage as an institution (a perfectly fine position) and being unsure about wanting to marry a particular person. Sadly it sounds like your dp is in the latter group.
If I were in your shoes i would feel more at ease if dp said 'I categorically don't believe in marriage with ANYONE but I love you and I'm 100% committed to you and have faith we will stay committed together in a lifelong partnership'. But your dp sounds like he's saying yeah marriage might be ok but maybe we won't last the distance and maybe I'll change my mind. Which sounds like 'I don't really know if I want to marry YOU' not I don't want to get married at all.
FWIW my DH had a horrible childhood, his parents divorced at 10 and his dysfunctional alcoholic mother sent him and his younger brother away to boarding school so she could party. He's been estranged from her for 15 years now and his dad has been dead for some time. This played a big part in him not wanting to get married or have kids as he had only experienced extreme dysfunction. He had 2 long term relationships (10 years and 4 years) in his 20s and 30s. In both relationships he told them he did not want marriage or kids and both relationships eventually broke up as he couldn't (wouldn't) give them what they wanted/needed.
We were together 1.5years when we decided to get married and a year later started our ivf journey. My DH is the kind of person who will not do something he doesn't believe in just to please the other person (unless it's trivial) so there was no pushing him into these decisions it was all him.
He put it to me that it wasn't until we got together that for the first time in his late 30s he felt like marriage and a family were something that he wanted and could successfully have. I hate to say it but in our case it was a matter of for some reason I was the right person at the right time for him. He simply didn't want that kind of relationship with his previous partners. I don't know if this makes you feel better or worse but just wanted to share my experience.
24-01-2016 13:20 #65Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2014
24-01-2016 14:10 #66
How important is marriage to you?
Some of these responses are worrying 😳 am I really not reading between the lines?!
Full house - his parents had a very messy divorce. There was threats of violence between his parents and his dad just left. Without mentioning anything. He didn't speak to him for years. Only been speaking to him for a few years now (his parents divorced when he was 10, he's now 27)
When my parents divorced we were dating and he did say that it reminded him of when his parents were going through it (it was a bit messy but never any threats of violence like his parents) it did cause issues between us and we separated for awhile but we did move on from it. I do wonder if there is more to it but now with some responses I'm worrying that I'm just burying my head in the sand 😳
And to add - he has said he felt abandoned by his dad. His mother moved on into another relationship which brought his stepbrothers into the picture (so there was Dp, his brother and then 3 step brothers and then his half sister came along)
Last edited by Hasselhoff; 24-01-2016 at 14:12.
24-01-2016 14:17 #67
Marriage is very important to me. Without it we wouldn't have had children, joint assets bank accounts properties etc. We were together 12 years before getting married and being married just felt very different than not being married. We were both on the same page re marriage, we felt it was right. It made our committment to each other official i think and everything flowed from there. Both our parents were married and had happy marriages. It could be why people feel the way they do about marriage to an extent too.
Oh op I hope you sort through your feelings and all works out
24-01-2016 14:35 #68
How long ago did you mention to him that you what to get married? Could he be stalling because he's saving for a ring and not wanting to ruin the surprise?
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24-01-2016 14:37 #69-
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- Apr 2012
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24-01-2016 14:41 #70
Marriage is not particularly important to me. DH and I had no plans to get married, organising a wedding seemed like a massive headache we could not be bothered with.
We ended up getting married overseas when the opportunity arose. Whenever anyone asked us when we were getting married we would always say, oh we will only get married in Vegas. Well the opportunity to go to Vegas came so we got married there. I have not changed my name, I don't often wear my wedding rings, I'm a Ms. Nothing changed really, we already owned a house together before we got married and had been together for 7 years.
I still don't think we would have got married if the opportunity had not come up. I don't feel more secure, we were already completely committed to each other, and after living together for 6 years were already in a common law marriage for legal purposes.
I never dreamed about a wedding or was particularly interested in getting married, but, still I find myself married!
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