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  1. #81
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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    keep us posted, im sure it is normal for you feel some grief, or anxiety. this has changed the essence of your family dynamic. you will be needing time to process everything, and all the input from other family members and whatever. you are very strong, and you will be fine. hugs, marie.

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  3. #82
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    I can only imagine that this has triggered your memories in your physiological body of when this happened to you and you are probably having enormous emotions come up for you. No wonder you're anxious and feeling that you're not coping!
    I am in awe of how you're handling it all. You're rational and completely "with it" and you should feel immensely proud of what an amazing mother you are to your DD. She's very lucky to have you 💕
    I highly recommend seeking a NET specialist that can help you deal and process the emotions that are probably suffocating you right now. I've had much success with this modality so if you'd like help or further information on NET, I'm more than happy to help you find a qualified practitioner in your area.
    Huge huge hugs. You're doing amazingly well. Don't be so hard on yourself and please take a moment right now to say, "This wasn't my fault" and give yourself a hug because the way you've handled this situation in front of your DD is the very reason that I'm sure she'll come out of this a-ok xx

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  5. #83
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    Default WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post

    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    Oh VicPark, is your prognosis based on your extensive study and/or knowledge of child development and psychology? What a limiting, fatalistic and ultimately unhelpful comment about this boys future.
    .
    I'm not going to apologise. I stand by my views that teenagers who conduct 'minor' sexual offences towards younger children are likely going to grow up to commit more serious sexual offences. It's based on personal experiences Seeing multiple troubled teenagers escalate from minor sexual offences (kissing, touching) towards more serious sexual offences (taking young children away from their parents in public and then indecently assaulting them) against kids.

    Not sure why this offends you? Do you know someone who committed sexual offences as a teenager? It's my perception of realism based on personal experience.

    I'm going to call BS on your claim that This view is not helpful. It may not be what the offenders family want to hear (boo-hoo!) however it's helpful for that teenage offenders future victims. It's more helpful that downplaying things and sweeping them under the rug (as is happening with the 15 year olds family in this thread). Failing to acknowledge the seriousness of teenage sexual offences would likely see young children continue to be at risk through lack of intense therapy for the offender and lack of vigilance surrounding their access to young children.

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  7. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    You can call BS...you can call the President of the United States of America, if you like.

    There's no doubt that the 15 yo behaviour is unacceptable and that it absolutely needs to be addressed. I agree that sweeping it under the rug is the worst possible strategy for his family to take. I just don't agree with your assessment that the 15 yo is most likely to go on to become a pedophile.
    25, 35 and 55 year old pedophiles would have committed their first sexual assault at some age, 15 quite possibly. No one knows if he can be rehabilitated, but if this is the first assault of many of children, then research says he won't be able to be rehabilitated.

    Whether he would turn out to be pedophile is just as much anyone's guess, everyone can speculate, VP is allowed to just as much as you are.

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    Default WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post

    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    . I just don't agree with your assessment that the 15 yo is most likely to go on to become a pedophile.
    Sorry I should clarify - I think a 15 year old who sexually abuses younger kids will most likely go on to commit additional sexual offences - not necessarily pedophilia - victims could be adult as well.

    Anyway - should probably start a separate thread on this topic. I think the OP is well and truly on the ball when it comes to protecting her child from this particular 15 year old offender.
    Last edited by VicPark; 22-01-2016 at 17:41.

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  10. #86
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    Didnt josh duggar start abusing his sisters when he was 15 and his parents turned a blind eye. Not a pedophile but clearly has issues

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    I'm giving them time to process it and I'm giving his dad time to do what he needs to do. No one in his family knows yet besides me dh him and his sister (he has a big family) I'm giving them a chance and I'm just concentrating on dd and myself for now. I'm not talking to anyone, sil is trying to contact me and I haven't spoken to any friends, I just don't want to talk to anyone. I'm only here because I feel safe and unjudged and I can vent.
    Me and dh though expect bil to contact us and let us know what he's doing. I expect bil to get help and I would still like it reported but like I said I have to think about dd in that regards first.
    So far I keep hearing he's done the wrong thing but he's a stupid kid who made a mistake and he will learn from it ...... and stuff like that. Sorry but this is not a mistake or an impulsive accident. His dad said he never spoke to him about things like this..... do people need to teach their teenagers that touching children is wrong? I think he knew it was wrong when he told dd to keep it a secret, he knew full well what he was doing. He is not embarrassed and sorry, was he sorry that night? The next day? He didn't look that ashamed or upset to me. He's sorry he got caught though, he's embarrassed because we found out not because of what he did. So they're concerned that this maybe happened to him when he was younger and want to know why..... but does that matter right now? What matters in my opinion is not whether he 'might' have been abused, what matters is that my daughter WAS by him! Address that first! He had a hard upbringing with his crappy mother? Gets bullied at school? Was abused? Guess what? We all went through a pretty ****ty life, lots of people get abused and don't go on to abuse kids! Lots of people have hard upbringings, get bullied but they don't abuse kids! If bil thinks he can simply talk to X and make him right again, well sorry but that won't be good enough for me. That thing needs serious help. He's not going to be 15 forever, he will be an adult and he won't be so scared of getting in trouble from his parents.... He'll just get smarter about it. Having the urge to force children into sexually gratifying you is not in any realm of normal teenage curiosity, why do they keep saying he made a mistake and he was experimenting? It makes me furious!!!!!!!!!! Every teenager does some crappy things, but you do what we did, you smoke drugs if you're unhappy, drink alcohol! Jerk yourself till your blind BUT you leave a god damn 4 year old alone!! ??? WTF? This is not a normal teenage 'mistake' And the hurt and damage is done, it's doesn't matter if he was 15 20 or 60! It makes no difference to the person you abused! Whatever he went through in life doesn't make it better for us. You don't do something like that and get excused because it happened to you too, this doesn't work that way. And who is to say it did anyway??? By his dad asking him that and them acting all concerned about it makes me think he'll just say that to get the sympathy and lose focus of what he's done. That is unacceptable to me and it will never matter.
    So anyway, I needed to get that out..... Like I said. I will be expecting bil to come back to us and tell us exactly what he's doing and I'm expecting that to be professional help and getting this on record for any future offence (without it affecting dd) That's how it has to be. A 15 year old doing this sort of thing without getting any kind of help isn't a 20 year old you want working at a daycare centre (probably as a cleaner because I don't see anything else for him either) yes not very nice I know but he's not the brightest spark is he.
    (and yes I now hate a 15 year old for what he has done, this is a pain I didn't want to know and I hate him for this)
    Last edited by Oela; 22-01-2016 at 21:37.

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  14. #88
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    OP I just want to say I think you're being very smart and very strong. You've handled yourself amazingly well and I can only imagine the feelings this must be bringing up for you right now given you were also abused around the same age.

    A close family member of mine was abused at an extremely young age by someone close to our family and our family swept the whole thing under the carpet upon learning about it. I'm not sure what caused the most damage to the victim of it in the end, the abuse itself or the fact it was ignored. Now this family member is all grown up and never has gotten over it, has severe anxiety and substance dependency to the point they can't work, struggles to maintain healthy relationships, the list goes on... Everything seems to come back to the way they were ignored and their feelings minimised when they gathered the courage to finally speak up, making it so hard in adulthood to trust the people around them.

    What I'm saying is I think your response now is really important and from what you're saying I really can't fault your actions with your DD. I mean, it's been absolutely textbook. The only thing I'd suggest is possibly a bit of counselling for you and DH together as I think he now needs to recognise the gravity of his actions and how might impact DD in the future if or when she reflects on the experience and asks questions about it. Also how you're feeling about the situation and how DHs response is impacting you.

    I am sure there are lots of tough conversations ahead for you all but you sound very switched on and I know you'll be doing everything you can with your DDs best interests at heart.

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    @Oela, are there any grand parents around? Your DH and BILs parents? Both your DD and X are their grandchildren, how would they take the news? Support X or your DD?

    I agree where you said a lot of teenagers have issues whether they've been abused or neglected or what ever but they take it out in other ways.

    You're such an amazing mum who has held it together so well. I really hope your DH comes around and is angry at X as you are. I agree with the PP, you need counselling together. I know it's okay not to see eye to eye on some things in a relationship, but this is something you need to be on the exact same page with, the same sentence in fact. For the sake of your DD and your marriage.

    I hope you can enjoy your weekend. Hold your DD tight and give her a really happy and fun weekend. Maybe sit her down over some ice cream or a favourite treat and just ask her how she's feeling. See whether she brings it up

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    X spent a lot of time with dh's parrnts growing up and at one point were his guardians, my fil passed away a few years back and mil is quite old and frail now, who will she support? I'm not sure, probably X since she's closer to him and doesn't spend that much time with dd, considering how sil reacted I think she'd brush it off as a silly mistake. He has a big family, there's 9 brothers and sisters (dh I mean) and I don't plan on everyone knowing, not because I'm ashamed but I don't want anyone blaming dd me or saying anything stupid to me (like bil initially did by saying it was dd who maybe had a crush or whatever) If one more person tells me he's just a kid who made a mistake I'll rip their eyeballs out. If anyone says one wrong thing to me I'll rip them to shreds, so it's better I don't talk to anyone.
    It doesn't benefit dd either, there's no chance they'll be in the same room and no one will question it.

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