Wow OP, I just want to say how impressed I am at how you've handled this. Well done. You have been such a fantastic advocate for your DD.
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21-01-2016 12:04 #61Senior Member
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- Feb 2006
21-01-2016 13:00 #62
WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post
Your DD is 4, she will likely remember this. What happens when she remembers and she's older and she knows her parents didn't report the perpetrator? What would that do to her self esteem and her relationship with you and your DH?
Oops, just saw your latest post. Ignore me.
Last edited by A-Squared; 21-01-2016 at 13:14.
21-01-2016 13:52 #63Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2016
No they will never be in the same house again, he's barred, no family parties Christmas nothing. I'll keep her home with me thank you.
Right now I'm not getting any support, it seems everyone is more concerned about X such as why he did this, what happened to him and they're saying dd is ok that's the main thing BUT they have to look at both sides and their concern is him and his issues. He made a mistake he's sorry he's embarrassed and he's just a kid too.
So now I'm even more infuriated, I think I need to stop talking to his family about it. Wth?
I even started asking if he's in contact with other children has he done this before and I'm being told off not to make assumptions. Sooooo yeah. This is a pretty sht response from 'family'
I think if dh comes home and says the same thing to me I will divorce him.....
Am I now overreacting?
21-01-2016 13:56 #64
21-01-2016 13:59 #65
I can understand them wanting to help him and people always want to know why.
But....you need support and your DHs main concern should be you and your DD. If you aren't getting any help call Bravehearts again and ask for some numbers for someone (or a service) who can offer you support.
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21-01-2016 14:05 #66
Is he in contact with other children? Maybe this isn't his first time. I feel sick thinking about it.
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21-01-2016 14:06 #67
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21-01-2016 14:37 #68
I'm so sorry you and your DD have gone through this. I am so impressed with how you have handled yourself so far, you are doing everything you can to make sure your DD feels safe and supported. The only thing I would be doing differently is to speak to the police. It's important you get it on record because if she mentions it to someone who is a mandatory reporter (her teacher for example) then you will be looked at pretty closely for not reporting it yourself. Also, by reporting it the authorities can make sure X gets the counselling etc that he clearly needs and it will show your DD that you are 100% on her side - even when a situation concerns family. I hope your DH can open his eyes to where this could have gone and start supporting you.
21-01-2016 17:29 #69
When you called brave hearts did they say if it was put on record?
For what it's worth I think you should talk with bil again. I'm guessing he is in a world of pain right now and his initial reaction of wanting to believe his son is natural. If you were to speak to bil maybe you could bring up your concerns about wanting to do what is right by your dd and the repercussions should she question why you didn't report it to the police etc.. Maybe you could ask what their intentions were in regards to dealing with things. Explain you are concerned about his future, his past, why it's happened in the first place, the possibility of it happening again to another child. Hopefully they are going to do counseling for him at the very minimum. If that's not the case and it seems they are going to sweep it under the carpet then that's when I would likely take it further. A simple telling off is not suffice.
I think brave hearts have given great advice for how to go forward from here with your DD.
I really hope things work out for the best. Another thought though, is it worth you and your dh seeking counseling as well? It is a bombshell of a situation and I'm sure you will both be grieving loss of family and trust at the very least.
21-01-2016 18:47 #70
Op you and your DH have done an amazing job at supporting your daughter.
You're doing such a good job at staying strong. It must be hard.
Of course it would be easier to justify it (like X and family seem to) as a silly teenage mistake or that your DD is some kind of 4 y/o temptress or curios kid (how absurd)
It was abuse. And who knows what might have happened next. Maybe nothing, but who knows?
Please get some professional advice. Bravehearts is a start - please keep trying.
Otherwise a child psych
Failing that, call child protection (usually they have a 1800 intake number. They do in vic anyway) and speak to the intake worker anonymously and ask advice.
There's a theory about working with victims of abuse called response based practice or response based therapy. There's a whole lot of parts of it but ones that strike me as relevant here are that firstly, the first response a victim gets, shapes their actions and feelings about the incident and themselves from there on. So it's great that you and your DH immediately believed her. Didn't second guess her or try and trip her story up.
But also that the language used about violence and abuse serves to minimise the impact. What the family are doing is just that, trying to minimise the issue. Trying to avoid laying blame where it lies - with X
Show your daughter that this won't just be swept under the rug for the sake of family.
One day, you and your Dh and most importantly your DD may choose to forgive X, but I would imagine if that's even possible, it would only happen if responsibility is taken and appropriate consequences and support occur.
I feel like someone needs to work with X To determine how far these feelings go. And whether he is any risk to anyone else. If his family just talk to him and then try and forget it, that will never happen.
I wish you and your family all the very best xx
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