I'm so sorry you and your DD have had to go through this, I can't actually imagine how it must be for you all, I'm torn between the authorities being involved for the 15yo and what it will do to the rest of his and your families life but not following up also doesn't reflect the seriousness of his actions.
I don't have any advice I'm sorry, I truly don't know what should be done but sincerely hope your DD is ok.
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20-01-2016 18:17 #31
20-01-2016 18:20 #32Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
What an awful situation. I think OP, you handled it exceptionally.
In terms of what to do now, I am trying to put myself in your DH's shoes, and you BIL's shoes... I would personally have no problem losing family over my children's safety. I am very close to my family so I think it says a lot.
Id be giving BIL the courtesy of letting him know that it's happened, that the police will be involved and I'll be following protocol.
Under no circumstances is what x has done excusable... He needs a strong wake up call and some serious help to be permitted around young children again. He can not be trusted in the slightest.
It could have been so so much worse, it is important your DD knows that you acted on this, that you backed her a million %.
Massive hugs xx
20-01-2016 19:03 #33
I haven't really read through all the replies so please forgive me if I've said much the same thing.
Please get police involved. Just because police are involved doesn't mean people get charged & go to court. With juveniles there are a lot of different options, especially if this is the first time. One option available to them is 6 months of counselling if all criteria is met.
I guess you've got to look at it from all angles. You want him to know this is serious & not ok. If nothing happens he may think he's gotten away with it & next time it may be much worse. I also think it's a good message to send dd also that it's been taken seriously. And if someone could talk to her just to make sure that nothing else has happened that she may be to embarrassed to tell anyone else about.
I just think if you involve the police now it may prevent his behaviour escalating & prevent another child being hurt. Just because police become involved does not necessarily mean charges & court. There are many options available to juveniles to keep them out of the courts if certain criteria is met. I'd just hate to see another child hurt from his behaviour because it got worse. Plus you probably also want to make sure that nothing like that is happening to him too where he is.
20-01-2016 19:51 #34
Is there a help line you could call for advice?
20-01-2016 20:00 #35
My two cents - I think you and hubby need to be on the same page as to what you expect to happen next, whether it's parental intervention, counselling, police, child protection, doctor appointment where you disclose what has happened. If you decide that parental intervention is the course to take but then it's not to your satisfaction (just a chat, nothing more) and you decide to escalate, I would understand that DH's brother would be more upset that a course was decided on and then you changed your mind.
In saying that - the fact that's it's a reportable makes my mind up that you need to escalate further than the family.
20-01-2016 20:18 #36Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2016
Thanks everyone. I spoke to dh again, he already spoke to his brother, he was very shocked and said that this has never happened before and he will talk to X when he gets home from work. Dh said he wants to let his brother deal with his son and he is not letting it go, but he wants to keep calm and level headed about it. X certainly won't be coming here again or will be around dd and at least his brother knows and is aware, will this make a difference I don't know? I don't know what his brother will do about it. It's hard for dh and I get his position, it's hard for me too, I've known this kid since he was born I was at the hospital! We spent a lot of time with him and I feel so betrayed. I'm not sure about the police now, I really don't know if that's the right thing to do I don't want to ruin his life over it but I want him so scared and I want him to feel so ashamed that he never ever dares to do this again and that there are very serious consequences, he will never get away with it. Dh said all I want is blood and not to act on emotion, he's 15 and he has a dad that needs to deal with him first. I'm confident nothing else happened, I think she would have told me, she told me exactly what happened (she's very mature for a 4 year old) and he told dh how it happened which was exactly what dd said.
I think I need professional advice. I don't want to fight with dh and go behind his back get police involved and cause a big storm. I don't think he is doing the wrong thing by how he's chosen to handle it or doing anything to hurt dd, I know he's protecting her and this will never happen again, he loves her just as much as me and he's hurt by this. A lot
I will call that number or any others you recommend and get some advice. I think if I'm still feeling this way I will call my bil myself and see what he's doing, I don't care if me and dh fight about it because it will eat at me and I will resent dh. So it's better we bicker about it now but I do what I 'need' to do.
20-01-2016 20:20 #37
Last edited by Soon2be4; 20-01-2016 at 22:01.
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20-01-2016 20:25 #38Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2016
And I do really appreciate all the help and responses, you've really helped me get through these thoughts and feelings and make some sense of it. Thanks so much
20-01-2016 20:37 #39
I haven't read replies, but...definitely counselling.
I have/had a friend who is attracted to young children. I went to high school with him and had no idea. He was particuarly good friends with my partner. and he told him about this attraction years ago. DP tried to get him to speak to someone, but he didn't. A year or so ago he was arrested for accessing child pornography and is now in jail. This is a guy who I'd say, with 99% certaintly, has never touched/kissed or acted inappropriately with a child in person.
For both your nephew's sake and any children he may come into contact with, he seriously needs to speak to a professional.
20-01-2016 20:41 #40
I'm so sorry that this has happened to your DD.
If your DD tells a kindy teacher it will be reported. You and your DH need to report it so you are not questioned as to why you didn't if it comes up at a later date. The 15 year old needs professional help not parental intervention, it has gone way beyond that. It is not about being out for blood it is about people getting the help and assistance they need for this to never happen again.
Don't question your DD about it again, let her talk to a professional.
Last edited by PomPoms; 21-01-2016 at 11:54.
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