WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post. Contains some issues of possible abuse.
I'm not new to Bubhub I've been here when my kids were babies, so excuse the first post situation. I need some advice and I didn't know who to talk to as I'm very confused about the situation or how to handle it. I need some anonymous advice I can't talk to anyone else.
Please no judgment, only kindness would be appreciated, I'm feeling very upset and confused right now
On the weekend, Friday afternoon my dh brought over his 15 year old nephew to stay the weekend, he's never stayed over before, not for a long time since he was younger, since he's started highschool we haven't seen much of him but we saw alot of him when he was younger. When my dh dropped him off (we'll call my nephew X) dh went to a friends place and left me with dd who is 4 years old and my ds who is 6 years old. X went upstairs to play on his ipad and laptop and I was downstairs but within reach, my kids were excited he was here and followed him around everywhere, especially my ds who is obsessed with his older cousins. Anyway, my kids were coming up and down frequently, I didn't go up but would call out here or there, they weren't up there longer than 10minutes at a time? So I didn't feel like I needed to go check on them and could hear them. So anyway, dh came home around 8ish, and he worked on Saturday so we were home again till he came home around 2ish. X stayed Saturday and then Sunday they all went out and dh took him home in the afternoon.
So last night being Tuesday I was cooking dinner, out of the blue dd came up to me and said 'X kissed me on the mouth' I said what? where? she pointed to her mouth and said here, I said oh ok, when did he do that? She said when we were playing and ... (ds) was sleeping ?? She said am I going to get in trouble? I said no ofcourse not why would you say that? I wasn't making a big deal just being very calm, I said did he do anything else? She was getting very agitated and said I can't tell you, I said why can't you tell me? Yes you can you are not in trouble, she said he told me not to tell you. So I reassured her and she said he kissed me on the mouth, so again I said anything else? She said then he was playing on the ipad. I didn't want to directly ask because I didn't want to put the idea in her head, I just wanted her to tell me. So that was it.
When dh came home from work I told him, I said I just had a very strange conversation with dd, she said this out of nowhere, we weren't even talking about anything she just said all this stuff?
So I said to dd your dad wants to talk to you about X, she was upset and said noooooo I don't want to, I re-assured her she's not in trouble again. So I was in her room doing her clothes and dh asked her what happened and she said exactly the same thing, then he said show me how he kissed you, she showed him, he came in the room and told me, it was with his tongue so that's when I really got agitated and upset. We both said to dd when anyone says to you don't tell your mum or dad, you should always tell us, I said thank you so much for telling me, I'm so proud of you and I praised her and hugged her and she was happy again. I'm always talking to the kids about body safety, and she knew it was wrong and she felt that. I'm so thankful she told me, because I don't want to think if he stayed again which he was planning to over the holidays what could have happened. I asked her again today quite casually, if he did anything else, this time I asked directly if he touched her, she said no. I said tell me what exactly happened, she said he said come here and he did that, and I asked if it was only once and she said yes. So I again said you are never in trouble, X did the wrong thing and she said yes he did the wrong thing and we talked about body safety again. I'm just still so thankful she was able to tell me, so so thankful.
Dh called X today and asked him, he denied it at first but then he came clean, he told dh how it happened which is exactly how dd told me it happened. He doesn't know why he did it.
Now we are at a crossroad of how to handle this. I don't know what to do, his mother is not in the picture, well she is but she has alcohol issues and we aren't close, he lives with his dad (dh's brother) and we are going to tell his dad but unsure how. I want to be sensitive to X he is 15, I feel upset that he was so devious about it, that he did it to his cousin! who is only 4? What would posses him to do that? I feel like even with raging hormones or wanting to experiment, it's just not normal to do that to a 4 year old who didn't know what was happening. It's just so wrong. I can't help but my mind race, has he done this to anyone else? Is this the start of child sexual tendancies? This is really scaring me. Do I push his dad to get him counselling? If it was my son at 15 doing this I would want to know and seriously get professional help. I just don't know what is normal, what to do, what would you do? Maybe he was abused as a child? Maybe this is going to come out? I don't want all the family finding out and causing him stress, I want to be sensitive but I want him to understand it was wrong and he can never ever do this again, to anyone! It was a kiss, thankfully that's it and I don't know but to me that's still a big deal? Like he's 15 he is old enough to know that was wrong, and she is only 4 AND his cousin, but she is so young that just can't be normal. I don't ever remember wanting to do that to a small child at 15, neither does dh. It was a kiss but I still think it was very sinister, very devious, he made her think she would get in trouble if she told, she was clearly uncomfortable, and I feel violated, he violated my trust, her trust, she is just a little girl who was innocently following her cousin and wanting to play games in the ipad etc. and he went and did that?
I'm so upset and confused. I can't believe this happened, I would never have thought it could I was right here, it was literally right under my nose? My sense of safety has been shattered, I didn't protect my children and I feel gutted about it Why did this happen? I can't even look at him right now. I don't know if I could ever be in his presence he's made me sick and completely ruined my trust
Thanks for listening and reading. Very upset mum.
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20-01-2016 10:07 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2016
WARNING TRIGGER - Very Sensitive Post
20-01-2016 10:31 #2
Huge hugs. To begin with, I think you handled the discussions with your daughter very well. Your past discussions have also clearly been heard and understood, and your daughter knows she can come to you, which is great.
I don't know that you'll ever get an answer to why, and if you focus on that, it may drive you crazy.
I think you're absolutely right in feeling that it is a big deal. Talking to X's dad is definitely important. He might have some ideas on how to handle it too. But if you are at all uncomfortable about how he says to handle it, by all means take it further if you wish. X needs to be made aware of the seriousness of what he has done, so involving him in conversations (after you speak to his dad first) may be a good idea. Counselling may be a good idea. The rest of your family don't need to be involved if you don't want them to be.
20-01-2016 10:34 #3
Hi there. First off I was to say I'm so sorry this has happened to your DD. I don't understand how you feel as a mother, but there is someone in my family who was molested over years, I know that kind of pain. It bloody hurts.
I think so far, you have handled this so so well and you should be proud of yourself. You made sure your DD didn't feel ashamed, you did not accuse her of lying, you gave her an opportunity to open up and you spoke about it in a calm manner. You did everything a parent should do.
Please keep your DD away from him from now on. His age is irrelevant. Your daughter's safety and well being is of number ONE priority. What happened was not your fault, but from now it is incredibly important that you keep her away from him at all times. This is a situation that could escalate into something even more serious. I know from others' experiences around me.
At 15, he is old enough to know about sexual acts. Maybe he has been abused, but at the same time, it's not a excuse to do that to someone else. I think it's important you have a quite word with his dad about what happened. Keep things calm, but I would also express that you are not comfortable having him around your DD. I know you're worried about the fallout and whether your nephew has been abused, but there are really only two options. Tell his dad so it's out in the open and there is an opportunity for him to get help, or don't say anything and there might be situations where X is around your DD.
Honestly, I would not allow him to be around her at all. Ever. Because if this is something that grows to bother her more and more as she grows up, she'll remember that you allowed him to still be around her.
I'm so sorry you have had to go through this.
20-01-2016 11:07 #4
Oh my gosh, what an awful situation and your poor DD.
I think you have handled the conversations with your daughter incredibly well - but now is the time to back up the words with actions, because she will see, if not now, then in the future, whether what you said matches what you did.
He is old enough to know right from wrong at 15 years old, and control his impulses, and if he doesn't receive some consequences for this act, then who is to say what he might do in the future?
Yes, he may be having issues of his own, and he likely needs some support too, but the important thing here is that he needs to know what he did is absolutely not ok. It might all be innocent experimentation and it might be the only time he will ever do anything like this, but can you take that chance?
If it was me, I would be notifying his parents and demanding that he a) attend counselling specifically to address this issue and b) not be allowed unsupervised around children until his counsellor says otherwise
If his parents are unwilling to comply with this (and provide you with proof that it's happening), I would be notifying the police, even if you choose not to pursue it for your daughters sake. That way, if anything like this (or even more serious, because this is definitely serious) happened again, they have a record of prior history.
All the best OP, what a tough situation.
20-01-2016 12:00 #5
I agree with all the previous posters.
How awful for all of you, especially your DD
You are right to take this very seriously. There's nothing normal or acceptable about this behaviour - 15 years old is well and truly old enough to know it's wrong.
I would personally not allow him around your DD again, for the reason stated by @hopeful1986. The consequences of his actions must be felt, and your DD needs to know you are serious about protecting her.
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20-01-2016 12:03 #6
I know you don't want to have him labelled, but the interest of the other children must come first. He needs counselling and his parents need to know so they don't leave him unattended with other families with small children.
I have no experience in this area but it sure is setting of every alarm bell for me.
20-01-2016 12:46 #7
Sorry you and your DD have had to go through this.
I agree with what @wiseenough has said, family needs to know and X needs counseling. A 15 year old sneaking to kiss a 4 year old is just wrong!
Just from a mothers perspective who has unfortunately gone through my own daughter being sexual assaulted at school at age 5, try not to bring it up with your daughter again. You've told her about personal boundaries and she can talk to you about anything. If anything else ever came up, she will know to come straight to you.
20-01-2016 13:06 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2014
Hugs OP, I couldn't read this and run. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I have nothing to add but I think you did a great job with how you handled your emotions when talking to your DD and she knows you are there for her. I do think you need to keep her away from her cousin, what he did is so wrong and he is old enough to know better. Big hugs
20-01-2016 13:13 #9-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
What a difficult situation I am so sorry you are going through this.
Bottom line - f*** the 15 year old and being sensitive to his needs or the needs of his family. Contact care and protection and ask them to follow through. A teenager to do that has some serious issues that won't be solved at the whim of a parent who may or may not chose to get counsellIng. The kid needs counsellIng - the parents should not get a choice in that.
Sorry if I sound harsh - ease know that it is not directed at you. I've just had a bit of experience over the years with teenagers Doing similar things and in all cases behavior has escalated not got better. Because of that to some extent (and I know it sounds heartless) I think the 15 year old is a lost cause and the primary interest should be on protecting any young kids that he comes into contact with.
I'm very sorry for your daughter. My only advice so far would be to seek professional help before you or anyone else questions your daughter again. First of all kids are highly susceptible to suggestion - questioning in a certain way could lead to your dd claiming something occurred which didn't . Secondly, a professional will have more chance of talking with your daughter about her experiences in a way which doesn't distress her.
Best of luck xx
20-01-2016 13:59 #10
You handled that brilliantly OP.
I would also be feeling sick and betrayed and I wouldn't be allowing him anywhere near my children again, not just the DD. Actions have consequences and the consequence of him betraying your family's trust and taking advantage of his innocent cousin is that he is no longer allowed to stay. I'd be calling his father and having that difficult conversation. Calmly and factually tell him what happened and that he must collect his son. And I wouldn't be allowing him back.
And I'd be insisting that the nephew see a counsellor and get professional help. Normally I'd say that its now up to the parents what they do, and it should be left to them, but in this situation its not just that he did something wrong and so is a matter of discipline for the parents to handle - its a much more serious issue than that and could absolutely escalate if left.
Good luck and big hugs.
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