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  1. #31
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    Hugs OP.

    I totally get ya.

    I have these issues too with my boys & my Mil so totally get it.

    Speaking from experience, you need to let some things slide. The dairy & sunscreen..no. The nails, yep. I know it's hard but you just need to. I didn't and it's caused major hassles.

    Let your DH deal with her and explain it. She will be more forgiving of him than of you.

  2. #32
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    I think @Redcorset the issue alone would be unreasonable or as you said petty.
    But with added information. .that she doesn't respect boundaries etc. Gets annoyed when she has to tell you what's she is doing etc. Those are deeper issues and the latest is an incident that just was icing on the cake.
    I think a conversation about it all is definitely needed.

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  4. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by misho View Post
    Hugs OP.

    I totally get ya.

    I have these issues too with my boys & my Mil so totally get it.

    Speaking from experience, you need to let some things slide. The dairy & sunscreen..no. The nails, yep. I know it's hard but you just need to. I didn't and it's caused major hassles.

    Let your DH deal with her and explain it. She will be more forgiving of him than of you.
    Thank you

    I left it to DH but I think he made it worse?! I'm not sure he conveyed by point very well because he really just wanted to stay out of it (and fair enough I guess) but I've text MIL and told her how I think she's a great Nanna and I appreciate everything she does with the kids, however I would just like to know what they are up to when they go places and def no Dairy! That was about 4 hours ago and I haven't had a response yet.

  5. #34
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    Wow! There is no way I would let anyone with a cold/flu hold our newborn! I can't imagine how anxious you must have been feeling *hugs*

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  7. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I wonder if she gets a bit defensive because she's worried you'll put the kibosh on her plans? Could that be a factor?
    It's hard with grandparents, I think with the vast majority of things you need to let go and just allow them to do it their way. Having such a lovely relationship with a grandparent is a precious, precious thing. She won't be around forever and once she's gone your daughter will have wonderful memories of her taking her on busses and to the salon. You get most of the firsts so I think it's fair to let MIL have some too.
    That said some things (like suncream!) I would be pretty annoyed about. But you can just put sunscreen on her before MIL picks her up
    So totally agree that a relationship with a grandparent can be precious.

    My grandfather was such a grandparent and growing up we had many outings, trips to the mountains to see snow, a drive from Launceston to Hobart and back to get Easter Eggs, day trips to beaches, interesting bridges, special raspberry jelly treats, dropping in to see the old aunties ( his sisters) for a red cordial and biscuit and being completely fussed over by them, I loved him so, he has been dead 15 years now and I still find it hard to think about him without getting a painful lump in my throat. So many great memories. I still mourn him and will always miss him - I'm 45 years old.

    Let your child have this gift OP.

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  9. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    I've been sitting here reading this thread during my break at work...and I've believe that I would be well and truely peeved if anyone (even my dh) took my DD to get her nails done. The OP said that painting their nails together is one of 'their' things.
    I must be a tad mean-spirited but I find it a little hard to believe that any half sensitive adult woman would not consider it necessary to ask a Mum's permission for a special outing...if you're into girly things like paintings nails then I could see how this might feel like a bit of a rite of passage for the OP and it would have been respectful for MIL to check with how the OP felt about this first.
    Thank you. Yes I'm definitely a girly girl and DD has followed in my footsteps - loves anything glittery/pink/purple/princess. MIL on the other hand is not. She buys DD brown, black or blue clothes because she thinks DD wears too much pink

  10. #37
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    I feel like I should add I love that my kids love going to their grandparents house (both mine and my in laws) and I love the things they teach them and MIL has had many other "firsts" with them - first horse ride, first quad bike ride, first visit to see the Big Rocking Horse are the ones I can think of right now. And NONE of that bothered me. I think its great they bother to foster a relationship with them and do fun things.

    I just think she should have known better with the nails thing.

    Anyway, long live the grandparents!! For the most part they do a great job.

    I'm off to do some research on having boundaries respected and being able to speak up for myself. Tactfully.

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  12. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by Albert01 View Post
    I've been sitting here reading this thread during my break at work...and I've believe that I would be well and truely peeved if anyone (even my dh) took my DD to get her nails done. The OP said that painting their nails together is one of 'their' things.
    I must be a tad mean-spirited but I find it a little hard to believe that any half sensitive adult woman would not consider it necessary to ask a Mum's permission for a special outing...if you're into girly things like paintings nails then I could see how this might feel like a bit of a rite of passage for the OP and it would have been respectful for MIL to check with how the OP felt about this first.
    Other people don't necessarily have on their radar what's very important to you, though. The other day DP watched Harry Potter with the kids and I was fecking heartbroken, I cried and cried. I'm a children's librarian. My big big thing is sharing magical amazing books with my kids, I've daydreamed about reading HP to my kids and he goes and shows them the movie before we've had the chance to read it! I was so upset- but not angry with him bc I never actually said 'don't watch/read anything without me'
    I think sometimes you have to separate out feeling sad and angry about something and actually assigning blame.
    That said, I think that is only one issue for the OP, and what has become clear is that BESIDE that issue she finds her MIL overbearing and difficult to communicate with.

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  14. #39
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    OP, I absolutely get this and it is hard to explain. I had the same problem. The individual issues sound petty but together it paints a picture. The birth of my DS1 seemed to have nothing to do with her son gaining a son and everything to do with her gaining a grandchild, and that was separate in her mind, from us. She had plans for her relationship with DS1, and she didn't see any reason why we should have a say in that. Things like this become clear from a thousand words and little incidents that all sound petty and it puts you on edge because the vibe is quite hostile to you as a mother but you can't easily get support because it all sounds petty. This is turn makes you more anxious.

    As for the nails - I would be really angry. She refuses to tell you where she's going so you have no chance to ask her to change your plans. I accept that many people love nail salons but I'm very picky about where I go, on the few occasions when I do go. As a solicitor I've had to act for a couple in negligence cases where some really gross practices were revealed. Hence, I'd be researching before taking my child to any of them. I accept that that's my neurosis and not commonplace, but since I'm the mum it's my neuroses that matter. My point is that people react differently to different things and no one should assume it's ok to take someone's child somewhere without running it past the parents.

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  16. #40
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    I'm so surprised the majority of posters doesn't think it's an issue.

    I would be annoyed too if a carer was taking my child to a nail salon without checking in with me first.
    First of all, it doesn't seem like the most kids friendly places of all. I understand not checking in with you if going to the park, the zoo, the museum, etc - but a nail salon?
    And surely your DD would have told her grand Ma that she had never been, so the excuse about not knowing it was a first time I can't buy it.

    Good luck OP it sounds like you need to be more assertive with your MiL and I know it's not easy.

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