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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    I don't have older kids however I have an older sibling. When were that age we fought like cats and dogs. With hindsight it really didn't have that much to do with my sister or I. It was more about our parents:
    - had favourite children (led to resentment)
    - had different rules for different kids
    - did not role model appropriate behavior when it came to solving conflict or keeping tempers in check)
    - had issues of their own

    Not saying any of these factors are influencing your children. Hope this helps.
    Thanks but this isn't (as much as I can be objective) really what's at play. I'm far from perfect but my kids are loved equally and we go out of way to spend time with each of them alone. There are different treatments but largely that's because I cannot give a 10 year old the same consequences as a 2 year old. DH and I don't fight. He's not an arguer at all.

    But it's all food for thought. I certainly know when they all drive me nuts I hear myself in their words and it makes me cringe.

  2. #12
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    Can i asked what you changed in their diet? Subbing as i have same problem.
    Many people think when you say diet it means that the kid's been eating crap but it doesn't. It means 'what your child is presently eating and drinking'. "Bad" diet doesn't mean eliminating processed foods either. It means an eating and drinking regimen that doesn't suit that particular person.

    In our case, our child was quite physically violent and easily provoked. And it was escalating. Before we engaged in other strategies such as behavioural management and medication etc, we started with the first cab off the rank - food and drink.

    Our first port of call was to get some tests done. Then we reduced sugar intake and this involved examining the day to day consumption. I was amazed at what I found when I really looked. We then eliminated certain foods such as fruit (yep, all fruit), certain vegetables, some herbs and spices and additives to food such as flavours (even when they said "natural").

    We also eliminated dairy and certain meat products.

    We didn't do this all at once and we didn't do it alone. We had the assistance of a medical practitioner.

    As a result of elimination, reintroduction and modification, we were able to pinpoint the foods that said child was sensitive to and we altered his eating and drinking accordingly. His behaviour changed so markedly it was the only strategy we ended up using.

    As a bonus, his asthma is completely and utterly gone.




    PS. I'm not saying that this is "the strategy" but certainly one worth considering.
    Last edited by Mrs Tickle; 17-01-2016 at 19:01.

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  4. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    Thanks but this isn't (as much as I can be objective) really what's at play. I'm far from perfect but my kids are loved equally and we go out of way to spend time with each of them alone. There are different treatments but largely that's because I cannot give a 10 year old the same consequences as a 2 year old. DH and I don't fight. He's not an arguer at all.

    But it's all food for thought. I certainly know when they all drive me nuts I hear myself in their words and it makes me cringe.
    I have no doubt you will have more success than what my parents did - you are much more switched on from an emotional intelligence standpoint.

    I should have clarified my sister and I are only 2 years apart so the different rules (my sister could stay up an hour later to watch her favourite show on TV) nose defiantly caused a rift. Sounds like that isn't an issue for your older kids.

    It's not so much about not being an arguer (although my parents were which was poor role modelling). Not arguing in itself isn't necessarily a good thing either. I wish my parents had given my sister and I specific guidance early on about how to deal with conflict and different views without it leading to an argument or blood nose (but like the strategies fullhouse mentioned).

    My parents will say they loved their kids equally too however their actions showed otherwise. I don't think it's the case with your family however incase someone else in a similar position is reading along just be aware that sometimes parents, although having the best intentions can be blind as to how their children are interpreting their actions. 3 months of perfect parenting can count for zilch if a child feels screwed over on something important to them (eg couldn't go to a birthday party because of something a sibling did).

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  6. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    DD1 has a great diet. Probably the main issue would be that she doesn't eat enough but apart from that she eats healthy food and generally makes good choices. She's also fine with the other kids. Just DD2 seems to wind her up.

    I think it's an issue because they've been on school holidays for nearly 7 weeks and quite frankly have had enough of each other. But that's not good enough and they need to try harder to get along.

    I just need to find a way to help them.
    This is what I was going to suggest. My two generally get along like a house on fire but by this late in the holidays are ready to kill each other. We've been trying to keep them separate as much as possible- play dates, days we split up and take one kid each, one-on-one days with grandparents. I've also enforced 'you must play in separate rooms' as much as possible- doesn't work terribly well though :-/

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  8. #15
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    It could also very be puberty at that age- do you think that's a possibility?

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    My oldest two are 10 and nearly 8 and I so hear you!
    Have your big two always fought a lot? I ask this because until last year, mine got on pretty well, played together all the time (I mean they had their squabbles but they're brother and sister so yanno) but last year DD started to outgrow him and their games and it really ticked in off so he'd be in her face ALL the time and she would lose her sh1t at him. Once she understood that him being such a PITA was because he wanted her attention and once he (tried and is still trying to) understand that she's older and needs older girl time alone, we've made some headway.
    I absolutely think that hormones and school holidays make it all that much more intense and we've definitely had many "moments" but allowing DD to have some space and ensuring that DS doesn't bother her at all for the 30mins/hour that she's having helps. Once she's had some time out, she seems for willing to go and play lego or go outside and play with him.
    It's so bloody annoying listening to them fight - drives you nuts!

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    Sonja  (17-01-2016)

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    It could also very be puberty at that age- do you think that's a possibility?
    I think it's a massive part.

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    Misskitty they did get along but there's 3 and a half years between them so DD1 outgrew her sister a while ago. I actually think DD2 misses her and feels any attention is better than none. So even if that means she gets her anger she's happy (in some weird way).

    And @VicPark I do appreciate your views. I was the youngest of 4 and copped a lot of my mother's frustration and anger and swore I'd be a better parent so your posts remind me to keep going. And I'm sure if you asked my eldest she's tell you she has the hardest of them all.

    Thanks everyone for the input. We just need to get through the next 2 weeks and then I'll have 3/4 at school full time. And I'll also be working more which I'm sure will make me happier (as I have to do reduced hours in school holidays).

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sonja View Post
    We just need to get through the next 2 weeks and then I'll have 3/4 at school full time. And I'll also be working more which I'm sure will make me happier (as I have to do reduced hours in school holidays).
    Threats and bribery for them and alcohol for you and your DH?

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    It's late and I'm tired but I'll try and remember some things we do-

    Explain to them that in the heat of the moment, they need to manage their reactions. They often need to use a strategy to calm down before it escalates. For eg. STOP and take 5 deep breaths, STOP and count to 10, STOP and leave the room for a minute. Then they need to use their words to tell the other person exactly what the problem is; what they want them to stop doing, why, and what they want them to do instead. For eg "Xyz can you please stop standing on my bed, it messes it up, can you use your ladder instead". (That bit is hard and doesn't happen much in our house, but I do manage to get them to do the calming bits at least). Remind them that yelling and hitting is not acceptable and they need to control themselves before it gets to that. They need to use their words only, and if they have no success with that, they can come and ask me for help.

    I remind them to respect the other persons boundaries, personal space, and time to themselves. A common one for us is, x will ask y to play a game, y will say no he doesn't feel like it, so then x will badger y into playing, then y will play really stroppily, then x gets upset because y isn't into it. So I just remind them to always respect each others feelings.

    I have explained to them about resentment, and how if x always annoys y, then next time x wants to play with y, y will say no because y automatically thinks that x will annoy him. Then we get this big cycle of anger.

    When they DO play nice together, I give them lots of praise about what they're doing nicely, and comment about how nice it makes the whole household when everyone is happy.

    That's all I can think of atm, but it is a big issue in my house, between my two boys. They just don't get along. :/


 

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