A lot of my threads are related to this. We've never had family in the same country since we had kids. I guess I wonder how much of a difference it would make to our lives if we did? We've had ups and downs but since surprise number 3 I'm constantly overwhelmed / stressed. Dp doesn't get it. I think his attitude is just get on with things. I know we aren't unique having no family but I still think it's a factor in how much I struggle. Having not one person to call on for basic stuff like seeing a doctor / dentist. And when I try to talk to dp about how I feel he just tunes me out or sees me as just being a whinger. Eg I think our house isn't suitable for us but he won't even entertain the idea of moving but also offers no help/ ideas on how we can make this house work. School hols I'm on edge as toddler is into older kids stuff so they are having meltdowns and then fighting each other and ms 8 is so sensitive I know I have to be patient and ever present and I am the only emotional support they have mon-fri so that responsibility weighs heavily. I try to stay calm but sometimes snap and then feel bad and feel depressed and don't want to even talk to them so I feel more guilty...
Sigh I guess I just wish dp could be more understanding and helpful. It just makes it all the more difficult when I've no one to talk to about these things
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11-01-2016 11:19 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
What difference does family support make?
11-01-2016 11:22 #2
We went without for 6 months. We moved and they moved
It is much easier when you have it.
We do ok but the ones that moved away from us feel it heaps
Last edited by DaveTTC; 11-01-2016 at 11:51.
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11-01-2016 11:31 #3
Family does make a difference. I used to have family when I lived in Brisbane. But now I'm in Canberra with a 5&3 yo and a 3mth old. Dh works long days and I'm home alone with them.
I take all my kids to all my appts during work hours. Otherwise I try book them in the evening if dh can be home early.
What helps me.
Fixed daily routine - we have a fixed schedule for the week for chores/activities/meals etc. If it's not on my planner it's not happening. Everything is written down. What I cook, what I wash, what household job I do if I have 5-10min, my gym classes, baking etc.
Tbh the house is set up to suit me. Bugger what dh thinks but I set the house up to suit me and the kids. This means I have a playroom right near the kitchen for my big girls to play. And then I have a fenced play zone next to that for my baby.
I know from your previous threads that laundry is a problem. I wash overnight and hang out first thing in the morning. And bring in late arvo. I have a bouncer set up outside to pop bub into whilst I hang/bring in clothes. The clothes get folded into separate baskets and each person has to put away their own clothes.
Weekends we do only one activity usually after church on Sundays. That's it! Saturday is housekeeping and family day. Dh takes all three to the park sat AM and I chill out. Then on Sat PM we clean the house together and tag teaming do the big jobs.
Are you happy? I know my pnd gets worse when my house is messy and I get overwhelmed easily. So hence I plan everything to the last detail. My dh I will admit is phenomenal. He tries so hard to make me happy.
I'm not a slave. I'm a mum and a wife.
Last edited by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah; 11-01-2016 at 11:42.
11-01-2016 11:33 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2015
I can definitely say that family support makes life 100% "easier" My husband, 4 kids & I lived on the same property as my in-laws for 10 years! Then in February last year moved 2 hours away, not knowing anyone bar my husband's boss! And even though 2 hours doesn't seem long, barely anyone comes up to see us. My kids are aged 8, 7, 5 & 2 & my 2 year old is an absolute handful! Constantly on the go, loud, noisy, chucks wobbly's, feral at the best of times lol & going anywhere from grocery shopping, to my other children's school functions, to after school sports to appointments was an absolute nightmare. So much so that I would sometimes miss school things or plan Dr's appt's after hubby was home.
I had a bit of a meltdown to my hubby as well, as he didn't get it either. Mainly because he was at work, interacting with adults, coming home & having to do absolutely anything. So I asked him to put himself in my shoes & see how he would like it.
Things are a bit easier now, as my kids get older & I've just accepted this is how my life is & I've also adapted the attitude that if my child chucking a tantrum upsets someone at the shops or dr's & they want to gawk at us, they are more then welcome to... Because at the end of the day they are no one to me & their opinion doesn't even matter
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11-01-2016 11:34 #5
I cant cope without my family support. It took my dh a long time to realise that. They don't help much in the way of looking after the kids or anything like that, unless its an emergency, but the emotional support is crucial. Being able to pop over to my mum or grandad if I'm having a bad day (or a good day!) makes the world of difference. It helps the kids too.
Some people cope fine not having family close by. Some don't. Your dh needs to realise that you need that support, he needs to support you and even if he doesn't get where you are coming from, he needs to have some empathy and be there for you.
Im sorry I have no useful advice. Just wanted you to know I understand to an extent and can relate xo
11-01-2016 11:48 #6
I used to have it - but since I moved towns I'm on my own completely (I'm a single mother too)... I also think it gets easier as the kids get older. My two are now 7 & 4 and I find it completely ok to take them with me to the doctor etc.
I've got good friends here though. If I really needed to call on them I know I can ... I also regularly look after my friends' kids.
I find in school holidays if I give my boys things to do the days are much smoother (might be the teacher in me though??). I've booked them both into intensive swimming programs (every weekday this week) and we cook together a bit, play monopoly and guess who and walk our dog. They also play together in their rooms and watch a bit of TV and iPads... I've noticed on the days I let them overdose on iPads they get a bit cranky and short tempered with each other. On the days I take them to the water park (which is free) or to the beach etc. they are much better behaved.
I've also joined a gym with a crèche and when I play netball I pay a babysitter.
Not sure if my post is helpful but maybe you need to make time for yourself a little??
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11-01-2016 12:20 #7
We don't have it, never have had it and I don't think we ever will have it.
In some ways it's hard - no one to support us when we've had long bouts of illness, not easy to have kid free nights out etc. But I've no choice but to deal with it. It's how it is and it's not going to change.
Initially I thought I could rely on them and got let down time and time again. Now at least I know it's tokenism and the offers of help are only when it suits them and not when we are desperate for help, so I don't even ask anymore. We just rely on each other.
TBH, while having involved family would be helpful, I think your main problem is your DH. I know it's not what you asked, but from all your posts, he's very unsupportive and not much "help" with the kids.
If I was you, I'd book the older 2 into vacation care a couple of days a week. The one we have here is awesome and the kids have a lot of fun. I'd also look at putting the littlest one in DC one for two days a week so you can get some down time, clean and organise your house in peace and do any jobs/apps that are hard with kids.
I think I remember one thread of yours that you were worried about leaving the kids with your DH while you went to the Dr? I know it's hard, but I think you need to work on letting go a little. DH does things differently to me, and some I don't really like, but they are his kids too and I know he would never put them in danger. They just may not get lunch, sleeps or bed on time if I'm not here!
Talk to your DH. Tell him what you need from him and don't let him dismiss you. Easier said than done, but until he gives you some support, I don't think things will change even if you did move back to where your family is.
11-01-2016 13:24 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2009
What difference does family support make?
A hell of a lot.
We moved when I was 8mths pregnant with no 3.
My parents came and stayed for about a week after the baby was born, to babysit the other 2 when I was in labour and to just help out a bit while I was tending to Bub.
I don't know how I survived after they left. DH went back to work, I had to wake the baby when it was school pick up & drop off time (the mummy guilt on this STILL makes me cry, 2 years later). Had i I had mum around, she would have done the school run, done my washing, babysat for doctors appts, let me rest when I needed it.
I will never forget how I felt, all 3 kids in tow, with mastitis, searching for a Dr who would see me (and then sitting in a waiting room for over an hour) plus then having to walk to the chemist to get my meds, with a temp of 40... DH was sitting nice & comfy at work, and to this day does not realise how much I needed him that day. A mum, a sister or a friend would have helped to deal with that then.
In the 2 years that we moved away, we've been out alone once. We have gold class movie tix that we can't use (my kids wouldn't cope with a babysitter).
My house is relatively clean, but my weak point is the laundry. I can never get on top of it. I recently but the bullet and spent $80 for someone to wash dry & do the ironing. It was either that or my sanity.
It was hard to make friends but I'm surprised that I made a few close friends who would help at the drop of a hat. My original friends from back home wouldn't have helped as mum as those few girls did.
I'm a lot more tired than I was, I eat the kids scraps for dinner and I usually binge for an energy snack. But I am active and my kids have no choice but to go with me to exercise classes, because there is no one to watch them. That is my one indulgence and I refuse to let that slide, otherwise I would not cope at all.
Op, I feel for you. I've been there. It took about 10 months on our own for my DH to somewhat understand. But I make him to stacks of housework. Just coz he earns the cash does not absolve him of housework - and not just the gardens but inside stuff. He will regularly mop and vacuum when I tell him to (his mum and dad would die if they knew he did housework).
So yes, for my part, having family around is a huge help, not to be underestimated or undervalued.
Smile and try to laugh OP, I know it can get overwhelming 😘
Last edited by misho; 11-01-2016 at 13:26.
11-01-2016 17:21 #9
3 children and no family support at all due to living where we live and it has not bothered me in the slightest. I have 2 really good friends and we help each other out occassionally but pretty much it's been just dh, myself and our 3 children until my 16yr old neice recently came to live with us so she is home with the boys for the last 3 weeks of the school holidays, first helping hand we have ever had. Dh worked FIFO when ds2 was little too.
Last edited by Blessedwith3boys; 11-01-2016 at 17:24.
11-01-2016 17:38 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2014
My family are close and it makes life a lot easier when we need babysitters while we're working (so the biggest help there is financially), or the odd sleepover which means DH and I get some time together (although that's not that often, so it would probably happen the same amount of time if family moved away but came to visit.
But I've never had a family member come to help me out with the kids at a doctor's appt, or help with the washing beyond the first week or two of a baby's life, or even invite us over for dinner regularly etc. So, whilst I like being close to family relationship wise and appreciate what they do for us, it has no impact on the day to day running of lives...except financially.
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