You deserve so much better. He's jerked you around and only been with you when it suited him. You've done all the work.
He will end up alone and sad for the rest of his life. You will go in to find someone worthy of you
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05-01-2016 19:49 #21
05-01-2016 20:30 #22
he sounds conflicted between his own culture and pleasing his parents and wrestling with his feelings for you.
I had a friend like this (still mates but barely see each other much as he lives interstate and we drifted apart). he's Serbian and although he tries to distance himself from his roots and culture, his parents have this massive influence over his life. he told me many stories where he'd find a nice gf and they'd go out for dinner so his parents could meet her and the parents would sit there making rude comments about the girl. the relationship would always fizzle shortly after as (amazingly), he'd be the one to call it off.
what you've described sounds quite similar. although I believe Frank has some feelings for you, I believe the pull of his culture and roots is too strong for him to overcome. his willingness to keep pleasing his parents is a priority over his personal r'ships and how he feels about you.
the conflict you're experiencing is the result of that inner conflict he feels.
as others have said, you need to cut your losses and move on. he's not going to change and you can't keep allowing yourself to feel this way.
sad as it is, I think background and culture plays a huge role in relationships. it sounds as though he's always going to put his background before you so you're definitely better off without him.
05-01-2016 20:45 #23Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2014
While I agree with the other posts, is it possible that somehow it was one of his family members that sent the very rude text to you? Something doesn't seem right about that text, maybe it was the fact he used your full name? I don't know, but I have a feeling he was pressured into that last break up text... Either way, if that was the case he should fight for you anyway, if he loves you like he says.. But imho maybe you should try to move on, I'm a believer of 'if it's meant to be, it will be'.
05-01-2016 21:17 #24
Hon, please don't feel stupid for believing in love, for seeing the best in a person, for trusting in the loving things they do and glossing over the bad - we've all done it in relationships I'm sure. It sounds like he did have the potential to be the loving partner that you wanted, but potential isn't enough- the reality is what it is and unfortunately he isn't committed to a future with you.
I think you are selling yourself so short. You deserve a man who can't wait to build a future with you, who says "we" all the time, who calls you at lunch time just to hear your voice, one who builds a life with you and your children and is proud to be with you.
Any relationship breakdown where there is strong love is always devastating and I'm sure you are heavily grieving the loss of not just Frank, but the future you saw together. Allow yourself to grieve, but also know that this wasn't right and even if it doesn't seem that way now, you will look back and know that you did the right thing to let him go. Take some time to heal yourself, and be open to finding a man who can treat you like a valued and cherished partner in life.
06-01-2016 09:40 #25
Thank you all for the replies. I dont really have anyone to discuss this with, I spoke with one of my good male friends who is also from the same region as frank and he seems to think that perhaps his parents have found him someone to marry and he got to meet her when he went there and that's the reason he has gone from organising a holiday with me in late January to saying those things or that his parents are just in general putting pressure on him to move back and find a wife.
as for how involved with my kids he was .... when we first started seeing each other he would always mention he wants to meet them and would suggest things for all of us to do together but I didn't want to introduce my kids to him too soon so I waited until 10 months of us seeing each other, he would always ask about them, we'd all go out for dinner together on the weekends, go fishing, swimming, the beach, movies etc.
I know that he is very scared of his mother in many ways as he has made this clear in general conversations we have had since we met. He has also previously been engaged to a lady from his own country (same religion) and his parents met her parents etc they were planning the wedding ... he told me that he called the engagement off because when he would visit his fiancé her mother kept making negative comments about his mother being more interested in finding a wife for franks brother and not him. (sounds strange??)
06-01-2016 10:10 #26
I just wanted to pop in and say your OP made my heart hurt. I can absolutely see myself getting in the same situation - finding hope in the smaller aspects, desperately wanting the outcome to be positive...
I think you know in your heart that there are too many issues to surmount here. Sometimes love really isn't enough. And you deserve to be loved fully and deeply and treated well. I truly believe that. You can love someone but if they don't love you the way you deserve then your love for yourself will dissipate and it takes a long time to get that back.
And the thing is, and I've realised this after my long and painful grieving process after my separation, that no matter how much you believe someone is/was 'the one', you really do suddenly wake up one day realising that those feelings have passed.
Grief is like a huge pool of whitewater rapids - it's terrifying to take the leap and let yourself ride those waves. The thing is you can't move on until you take the plunge.
Focus on you - everything that is amazing about you, not everything you feel you need to be to fit into this box that you are trying to.
06-01-2016 10:11 #27
I too think you should move on. It sounds like you are searching for reasons to try to salvage things, and I really think you would be wasting your time.
Regardless of these recent texts, it doesn't sound like he has felt as strongly as you about things. You say you will wait, you would move country for him (what about your kids? What if their Dad blocks this action??), you want to factor him in your plans.
He on the other hand, move across the country without discussing it with you or considering your feelings. To me, that doesn't sound like what anyone needs in a life partner.
I think the texts were possibly from his family. But if he's not strong enough to fight his parents and culture for you, then any relationship with him would be awful. Can you imagine living there with his parents constant disapproval? With their interference in your relationship? That sounds like hell to me.
I think you need to let him go. I think he has already let you go, and you should follow his lead and grieve the end of the relationship and move forward with your life.
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06-01-2016 10:28 #28
I too have been in various failed relationships. It wasn't until I met my DP that I finally knew what love was meant to be like. The above poster pretty much said what I came here to say so I won't go on and on, but I will say that you deserve better than what you've been getting.
06-01-2016 12:30 #29Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2015
relationship advice, single parent..am i too stupid
Agree so much with Charlie and Hollywood.
True love and you will not be questioning a thing. I think I actually know what love is now with DP after a failed marriage!
I would like to add too... Coming from a marriage where I had to become someone I wasn't over time to make my partner happy was not love either and there was always my true self niggling in the back of my mind, which is why in the end after 2.5 years of misery I finally worked up the courage to walk away.
Asking/expecting him to give up his culture, family, beliefs etc can also backfire in the long run.
It may be ok in the short term, but if that is truly the life he wants he may wake up one day so far down the track and break your heart again.
Hugs to you Hun. It's definitely not a nice feeling xx
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