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  1. #1311
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    Yeah, I'm getting that impression! Well you serve it up to him in spades I say!! You go get that baby that you long for so much. xx

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    BlondeinBrisvegas  (08-01-2016),Blossom74  (08-01-2016),Precious40  (08-01-2016),Summer  (08-01-2016)

  3. #1312
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    Precious40, thinking of you today love. Any news?

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  5. #1313
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    @Charlie74 I had an extremely dysfunctional relationship with my last partner. He promised me that we'd start trying for a family when I turned 36 and then he just kept putting it off and putting it off. He'd say "in six months we'll be in this financial position and things will be great" and I'd believe him. He actually had no intention whatsoever of having children, so he was just using that as an excuse to try and keep me in the relationship.

    The tipping point was when I turned 39 and he put it off again, I dragged him to counseling to try and sort it out. I was terrified of him because it was a very emotionally abusive relationship (and I wanted kids with this man - crazy!!!!) and in that session he said he need five more years to get to the point where he felt stable enough to have children. The counselor said "Summer doesn't have five more years" and he just shrugged. So I left the next week.

    Then I went to see about having my eggs frozen and found I had an AMH of less than 3 so they said don't even bother. I grieved long and hard for having wasted ages 35-39 with someone who promised me a family and lied about it - but thank goodness I didn't have kids with that monster.

    So now I really do appreciate the relationship I do have with my DH. Even though we have the IVF issues and will need some counseling, it is still a very, very good relationship and it is just unfortunate that we met when I was 40. I know if we don't have children we will have a great life, the ex was definitely worth walking away from and the not having children was the catalyst that drove me out of that relationship, but with my DH I know we'd be fine. Different from life as a family, but still good.

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  7. #1314
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    You know, when I first joined BH I mentioned to my fertility nurse that I had subscribed to an online support group (I didn't tell her which one) and she was VERY against it. She told me that these groups are made up of desperate women who are bitter and angry and that it wouldn't help me at all.

    How wrong she was. And how misguided.

    I think our group is filled with inspirational, understanding women who share a common goal and are fighting so bl@@dy hard for the most basic need - to become a Mother. And when that doesn't happen, whether that be for financial and physical reasons or just due to plain bad luck, their sheer determination to get through each day and to help carry others as well is just beyond words.

    Where else can we speak so openly without criticism, and KNOW that people understand us without being judgmental? Who else could I go to and say "My husband and I would be great together in different circumstances, but IVF brings out the worst in us as a couple" without being frowned upon?

    You girls have just been a lifeline to me


    Blossom

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  9. #1315
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    Quote Originally Posted by tuxcat View Post
    good for you @Summer ! I think your plan sounds fab, you've got a few options covered and something in all that will work out. Im also supposed to be working but so far today haven't done much!! this is the trouble with being back on BH when you work from home
    @Chiefsgirl is right, communication has to come at some point otherwise you will likely build up anger and resentment and it will come out at some point. My DH has always said we'd be ok if we didn't have kids but now that we've decided to go the DE route his mood has lifted enormously. When he opened up he admitted he was feeling really sad that it looked as if it wasn't going to happen. They keep their feelings to themselves i think.
    @midnite your dh sounds great
    @Tahli you're hilarious!!
    Totally agree - working from home behind a computer makes BH much too easy!!! My DH doesn't really know how to express his feelings properly and it's coming out in the wrong ways - tonight we have date night so I'm going to talk to him about booking in for a few counseling sessions to help us make a decision on DE.

    So I'll approach it as I need help to communicate my feelings clearly and sort through the issues and that I want someone there to interpret as it's too easy for me to get upset (the counselor we've gone to before is brilliant at interpreting male-female communication!!) and in the sessions I'll be addressing the lack of support and the money thing and how alone I feel. If I slam him with all that up front he may be hesitant to go, so I'll just frame it a bit differently. I probably don't have to, DH isn't that touchy and he doesn't mind counseling as it's worked for us the couple of times we've gone, but just for my peace of mind I'll make it easy.

    It is really good that your DH is communicating @tuxcat - much better to feel that he's on board and moving in the same direction as you.

  10. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Summer For This Useful Post:

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  11. #1316
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    @Summer, please don't tell me after you left him he went and shacked up with some floozy and had 3 kids?

    Gosh that irks me - you hear of it all too often. With marriage too. They say "I'm not ready" and then as soon as you walk out the door and a new woman is on the scene they are down on one knee.

    Grrr!

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  13. #1317
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tahli View Post
    Yeah, I'm getting that impression! Well you serve it up to him in spades I say!! You go get that baby that you long for so much. xx
    You rock Tahli!

  14. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Summer For This Useful Post:

    BlondeinBrisvegas  (08-01-2016),Blossom74  (08-01-2016),Precious40  (08-01-2016),Tahli  (08-01-2016)

  15. #1318
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    You've been in such a dark sad place I just want you to see some light....and feel supported.
    Last edited by Tahli; 08-01-2016 at 12:38.

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  17. #1319
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    Quote Originally Posted by Summer View Post
    I'll approach it as I need help to communicate my feelings clearly and sort through the issues and that I want someone there to interpret as it's too easy for me to get upset (the counselor we've gone to before is brilliant at interpreting male-female communication!!) and in the sessions I'll be addressing the lack of support and the money thing and how alone I feel. If I slam him with all that up front he may be hesitant to go, so I'll just frame it a bit differently. I probably don't have to, DH isn't that touchy and he doesn't mind counseling as it's worked for us the couple of times we've gone, but just for my peace of mind I'll make it easy.



    Oh, good luck love. I hope your chat goes well and he is on board quickly. I know how important this is to you so if he is compliant that will make it much easier!

    Do you think you would get upset at the counselling session? You have been fighting against him with this (not literally, but mentally) for so long. I don't think I could go in and be calm about it. I'd either go off like an explosion or burst into tears. Or both! Cancerians are a bit on the emotional side, lol

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  19. #1320
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    Quote Originally Posted by Blossom74 View Post
    @Summer, please don't tell me after you left him he went and shacked up with some floozy and had 3 kids?

    Gosh that irks me - you hear of it all too often. With marriage too. They say "I'm not ready" and then as soon as you walk out the door and a new woman is on the scene they are down on one knee.

    Grrr!
    Hehehehehehe! I actually have no idea what happened to him after we broke up, we have had zero contact and I know nothing about his life. It was a pattern with him though, he and his first wife had trouble conceiving and he refused to let her do IVF even though they were in their late twenties. I never knew that until we were involved for a couple of years and it horrified me. They had the money too, so it was purely a control and punishment thing. He was a sociopathic narcissist and a very dangerous man. We never even got to the trying stage, let alone IVF.

    My DH is completely opposite to that - I just realised how it might look when I wrote that above paragraph and my DH isn't wanting to pay for IVF, but it's not about control, his is more the confusion around the options and not being able to deal with my powerful grief and emotions and not really knowing what to do next, so he's made it a money thing instead of dealing with the real issues. I have no worries that he is anything like my ex!!!!!
    Last edited by Summer; 08-01-2016 at 12:37.

  20. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Summer For This Useful Post:

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