I think there has been some poor communication going on here. I think this kind of hit a nerve with me as I rely on my mother (and father) to look after my kids for me when I go to work and to have an odd night out (not recently with a breastfed newborn though!). It's not that I'm ungrateful but I certainly require their assistance to continue working. If they were to take holidays I would appreciate some notice on their part as I would be stuffed - and to be truthful I would appreciate that they would check with me first as they know I depend on them.
Any time I ask they always say yes. I'd hate to think they are secretly breeding contempt and other family who are not close by perceive that I'm taking advantage of them. I'd be horrified and angry to know if that they had been complaining to other family. If I was unaware of changes in their financial circumstances I would be miffed if they all of a sudden asked for money too.
So I strongly believe if your inlaws are unhappy with how they are being treated then they need to learn to speak up for themselves. Any interference can escalate the situation and turn it very ugly.
Eta: in no way am I condoning your BIL/SIL's behaviour if that was has happened with raised fists etc. But just be mindful you didn't witness it yourselves so it could of been an exaggeration and are only getting one side.
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15-12-2015 06:34 #21
Last edited by Little Miss Sunshine; 15-12-2015 at 06:41.
15-12-2015 10:22 #22Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2015
Unfortunately sounds like your inlaws will be forced to deal with two people (your BIL/SIL) who are pretty self involved and quite happy to emotional blackmail their own mother - in your BIL case.
Is it your fight? No.
But you can support your inlaws and encourage them to set boundaries.
By continuing to do as BIL/SIL demand, they are basically enabling these two to continue to be selfish and take advantage.
There will be problems. And maybe the BIL keeps his children from his parents. He's hurting the kids by doing that, and that is probably the only time your DH could step in and say "don't you do all this for the kids?" And that's only if the situation gets to the point your BIL keeps his kids away from their grandparents simply because they didn't do what he wants. Sounds like a spoilt little brat doesn't he?
But if the BIL/SIL are the type of people to do that (sadly it sounds like they are), its going to be hard. But your inlaws simply can't continue doing this, its damaging to them isn't it? So support them.
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Tiny Dancer (15-12-2015)
15-12-2015 13:41 #23
I read it that the parent's financial situation is no secret? While I wouldn't bother paying my inlaws for the odd babysitting night out, I would certainly pay them something if it was an ongoing regular thing - particularly if I knew they were really struggling financially.
DC costs are huge and your in-laws are saving your BIL and SIL a mint OP. Our in laws never ever have our kids, in fact no one does. They sound like narcissistic bullies - getting in your MIL's face, using the kids against them. Yuck.
15-12-2015 16:10 #24
@Little Miss Sunshine - just to clarify a few points - the in laws always tell them well in advance of holidays. MIL and FIL have never once complained about looking after the kids. They have complained about the way that BIL and SIL have treated them when BIL and SIL don't get their way.
If it was just MIL telling the story I'd think it was exaggerated. But FIL told the same story, and he's not prone to exaggeration.
The financial situation is no secret at all. They've had open conversations with all of us about how tough they're finding it at the moment. They frequently voice their opinions on the behaviour towards them. BIL and SIL just drop the kids off and pick them up and don't speak to them for a week (or more).
@Balfour, thanks for practical advice for DH - he's finding it really tricky at the moment.
The situation with the raised fists is the latest, and our MIL called in tears because she thought they'd never see the kids again. BIL and SIL turn up on their way out and ask if MIL and FIL can babysit then get cranky when they're actually on their way out themselves. I just am not sure that the sense of entitlement will allow for any reasonable conversation to take place.
15-12-2015 17:50 #25
Thanks for all of your responses. It's much appreciated!
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