I do agree with a lot of the comments quoted.
To be blunt, you have 2 children who need you already. You have said you want to leave but cannot afford to. What if there is a baby thrown in the mix? I just think it would make it harder to leave and then how will this affect the children?
Another thought is if wanting a baby is just trying to fill a void. I support women and men wanting and having children when single - but they need to do it for the right reasons. If you truly believe this is right for you any opinion we will have will not sway you. I do hope you make a decision that is right for you and your family.
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06-12-2015 21:27 #11Senior Member
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- Mar 2015
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06-12-2015 21:38 #12Senior Member
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- Jun 2015
i have two sons, I doubt I will have anymore, I dont feel done. I regret that I will not have a daughter but I also know that I have two kids that I am 99.99% soley responsible for, I get very little support for them and they rely on me so to bring another soul into the world doesnt feel right to me
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07-12-2015 17:48 #13
Hi OP, I have been thinking about this thread a lot and haven't posted because you asked for supportive responses only. I imagine some of the blunter replies so far might have taken you aback.
In short, I agree with the majority view here. I knowingly brought my son into a broken marriage because I was fearful that this would be my 'only chance' to have a child. I know now, and I knew at the time but didn't care, that it was a selfish choice. It doesn't mean that I regret it but I put my own wants ahead of my husband's and, well, of course it goes without saying that my son didn't have a choice.
I say 'want' very specifically, because I think the thing about the biological imperative that women feel is that it's so emotional for us that we sometimes mistake it for a need. It's not a need. It's a want.
Fwiw, I believe TTC actively in the situation you are currently in is a bad idea. What does your husband think?
I would consider these questions:
What does your family 'need' that you should prioritise ahead of a want?
Will fufilling this want hinder your opportunity to meet your children's needs?
How might growing up around a dysfunctional relationship affect your children, including a new baby? Is the dynamic between you and your husband something you want your children to grow up with?
Do you have faith that your husband can end his addiction? If not, what do you think your children will learn as they grow up with this role model?
Can you trust your husband to be around and care for a newborn?
If you have another baby will you feel trapped in this marriage?
To answer your question, I don't know that people necessarily get over desiring more children if that opportunity doesn't arise. I think there is a sadness and a grief that is common and normal. I'm not sure that trying to bring a child into an already unhappy marriage is the appropriate way to counteract that sadness, though.
Perhaps some counselling might help?
07-12-2015 18:05 #14Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2012
Thanks @harvs for your thoughtful response. I was taken aback by the bluntness of some responses. It's hard to hear truth sometimes, even if you have lead the conversation there in the first place.
As for my desire for another child, it is really a "want" as you suggest. A biological "want" that is hard to ignore. But not impossible. I know that there is never a good time to have a baby and in the middle of relationship crisis is the worst time of all. I am going to put a stop to the TTC silliness while we work out what we are working are going to do next. I hope my DH will be able to get control of his addiction. And I will be rhe best role model I can be for my children.
07-12-2015 18:17 #15
Hi OP, in answer to your question about do you regret the babies you decided not to have, in short, it does get easier and for me the desire for a 3rd child has gone away.
DH and I have 2 children via IVF. We were happy with 2. I then fell pregnant naturally with a 3rd child but sadly miscarried at 9 weeks. I was absolutely devastated. For close to 2 years I grieved that miscarriage and constantly thought about having a 3rd child, however my DH was totally adamant that 2 was perfect for us (even though when it looked like there was a 3rd on the way, he was totally supportive and excited about it). In the end I made the decision that I needed to be happy with the 2 children I have rather than be miserable about the 3rd child I didnt have. I realised that neither DH nor I were right. We both had valid views and one of us had to 'give', so it was me who gave up.
We are now 3 years down the track from that miscarriage and while I will always be sad that miscarried our last baby, I am happy to say that I am content with the 2 children we have and I no longer constantly think about having another baby. to be honest with you, I actually cant even imagine having a 3rd now, perhaps because we are well past the baby stage and life is easy with the 2 children we have.
All the best, I hope you and your DH can work things out.
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Happy Camper (07-12-2015)
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