I don't generally open DHs mail. He doesn't open mine but occasionally we do. We're not offended by it. In terms of passwords....I don't use his computer and he doesn't use mine. I have a fair idea of what his usual passwords are and he does know mine.
But we trust each other. So there's really no need to look through his stuff or vice versa.
If I'm home and mail comes that looks important I'll tell him I'm opening it. But usually I just put it on his desk.
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01-12-2015 09:02 #31
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01-12-2015 09:18 #32
Privacy in a relationship
We share everything. DH rarely gets mail though. All of the bills are in my name but with his name on the accounts in case he needs to call up about something (don't think he ever has though) because it's easier for me working from home deal with all of that. We only have joint bank accounts.
As for mail, I have no proble with him opening my mail and vice versa. It's necessary sometimes when one of the other is away. Anything official looking from his work or birthday cards etc, I will leave for him or call him first but I open everything else.
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01-12-2015 10:25 #33
we don't really hide anything from each other. that said, I still don't know his gmail/fb passwords. and I don't want to. I trust him. he also doesn't know mine.
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01-12-2015 10:38 #34
I open all the mail that comes into our house. If I didn't it would sit on the bench for months. DF doesn't care and prefers that I deal with it.
As for passwords we know most of each others but don't really ever use them.
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01-12-2015 10:41 #35
Having read all of the replies, I think it basically comes down to the individual and the dynamics of a relationship; what one couple considers their normal could be crossing a line for another. I guess there's no right or wrong and everybody has a different definition of what they class as "crossing a line".
I'm my relationship, it was a bit one sided and that bothered me- I was an open book, he had free reign to my handbag, wallet, passwords if he asked and could take my car without asking, none of this bothered me whatsoever. He used my ATM card whenever but never opened my mail, I guess that didn't interest him (bills, bills, bills!)
But, in the 17 years I was with him, I could honestly count on my one hand the number of times I went into his wallet. He never suggested us having a joint bank account and I didn't even ask what his PIN was as I never thought to use it.. It was just how he was. It was my "normal" and I was so used to it that it never really bothered me until the later years we were together.. he didn't even like me driving his car to the shop and it started to really offend me. I was feeling like the relationship on that level was very one sided- here I was, an open book, sharing everything personal without a care and in return he was treating our stuff like HIS property and MINE. It even crossed over to products, like I'd often find personal care products hidden away in his wardrobe (hair stuff, fancy creams etc) that he apparently didn't want to share. This is when I started feeling a bit miffed.. and it made ME become more secretive and private in return, almost out of spite maybe? I started taking this all very personal and wondered why he'd want to be a part of a couple when obviously he didn't view me as someone he wanted sharing his life.
Wow... I've derailed big time. I guess my experiences with him have shaped me and my strong opinions on the matter. I am (and always have been) what's mine is yours. It had never occurred to me to hide anything or to keep things to myself. Pretty much apart from my toothbrush, lol, my partner can have free reign to my stuff! I guess in my case, when two polar opposites came together in a relationship (opposites in the privacy department, other aspects of our relationship were great and we gelled well) there's bound to be hurt feelings and feelings of mistrust and feeling like you're not worth their all.
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01-12-2015 10:54 #36
I never open DP's mail. We are very open and honest with each other but unless he has told me to open something it would never occur to me to ring him and ask to open it. He's home each night so whatever it is can probably wait.
Hypothetically, IF we were in the scenario that the OP described, and DP told me not to open it and to stop being nosey, yeah, I'd probably not take it very well. He wouldn't talk to me like that. But like I said, I would never call him to ask in the first place.
01-12-2015 10:55 #37
Just coming back to clarify.
My position re privacy is very much shaped by a sense of wanting to keep myself for myself. I don't have secrets from DH nor him from me. Once I open mail it's left in the open and he can read whatever he wants. My phone is locked because I get highly sensitive work emails on it and I'm obliged to keep them secret.
DH and I trust each other completely. We just have different boundaries.
01-12-2015 11:35 #38
I believe everyone needs privacy, even when in a relationship.
As for the mail, I will open dp mail occasionally. If it looks important I just leave it for him. He does the same with mine. We tell eachother what it is anyway so it's more of a 'i want to open mail' type of thing
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01-12-2015 11:43 #39
agree with Sonja and Hollywood.
It would never occur to me to open mail that didn't have my name on it.
IF for some reason I saw some mail with DH's name on it that concerned me for some reason and I felt the need to open it, I probably just would. I'm 100% certain it wouldn't bother him. But I've never needed to do it and can't really see a scenario where I would.
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01-12-2015 11:50 #40
I don't really see opening mail as an invasion of privacy. In our house, everything that comes in the mail is somehow related to us as a family. It shouldn't be "private" as it would affect all of us.
I do believe in having privacy in a marriage but only if it's for personal reasons...eg, I like privacy in the shower so I have a moment to myself. Other than that we are pretty open!
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