My DHs 'problem' isn't so much that he is lazy, it's more about getting distracted and then finding himself too tired to get stuff done. Whether that's distracted by TV or a mate or fiddle-arseing around with something after work, whatever it still results in me needing to do the evening run around and left with responsibility with the housework. Also I think evenings are the toughest time in that everyone's tired (both you and kids) and it's a battle to get little ones ready for bed while at the same time getting dinner ready and tidying up etc.
Not that I'm really a fan of the passive-aggressive approach, but what if you just focussed on getting kid/s to bed and doing a general tidy and clean, then took yourself off to have a bath (no dinner prepared at all)? Then it's "every man for himself" so to speak, and if DH gets cranky you just say you're tired and sore and need a break. Tough!
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20-11-2015 02:18 #31
20-11-2015 07:22 #32
I appreciate being at home with the kids but some days are harder than others. The kids only listen to him because 'dad voice'.
As I've said previously I do all I can to try and keep the house tidy but as you all know with kids it's like an endless cyclone inside the house. Well in mine it is
I don't think he realises how much hard work and patience goes into being a stay at home parent. I really don't think he would be able to tolerate looking after them all day.
20-11-2015 07:36 #33
Just been reading on since my original post... and after you posting more about what happens...I definitely think it's time to do something drastic.
I agree with PP... separate his laundry into a basket and just do yours and the kids. Fix dinner for you and the kids.
This will get super annoying I imagine. And might take a while for the point to be made. If you can swing a little extra money I would get someone over to tidy the yard. He'll notice...next time he wants to spend money on a few beers or something and there isn't any, tell him you used it to pay for the yard to be done.
He's making you treat him like a child. ..like you're his mum. That needs to stop. It's not good for a marriage.
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20-11-2015 07:46 #34
I know for a fact his mum would do everything for him when he was there as he told me himself. So maybe he thinks I'm going to do everything for him just like his mother.
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20-11-2015 08:24 #35
Sounds like he hasn't had to fend for himself at all.
I don't know what the answer is really because you're trying to change his mindset and that's just not easy. 26 is still young for some men.
I definitely think you need to do something though. Otherwise resentment will build on your behalf.
It's just not an easy answer though is it?
It really warrants a grown up conversation with him.
20-11-2015 08:36 #36
Does he want a wife or mother?
Is he your child parent or just a sperm donor?
Get him to define what a father and a husband is.
Ask him does he live up to his definitions.
Tell him what you think a husband should be. Be realistic and practical not airy fairy in your definitions.
Eg. A father should be reading to his son and daughter at least once or twice a week. He should be at their ballet or football games. He should bath the kids and play. He should be able to look after the kids for a extended period of time if get sick or god forbid die. He should know their dislikes and a rough idea of their schedule.
As husband he should be your Safe space. Your partner. Your equal. Together you parent.
Now do the same to you.
Ask for his definition of a wife and mother and you do the same.
Work out together if your living up to your end of deal.
Than redefine both your roles to suit what you both agree is what you both want as family.
20-11-2015 08:56 #37
Lots of good advice here but I just want to point something out to you....
You keep saying that you want his 'help'. I try very hard to avoid using this word with my DH. He is not helping me. He is simply co-parenting and living together with me. For the hours that my DH is at work he does all his work without my help and for those hours I look after the house and kids without any 'help' from him BUT when he is not working then everything is our joint responsibility. By asking for 'help' I think it sends the subtle message that you need him to do things that are your responsibility when this is not the case. You just need him to step up and parent his own kids and look after himself like a normal adult!
20-11-2015 09:07 #38Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2014
Similarly he does not 'babysit' our daughter. He parents. Babysitting implies it's my job to look after her and he's doing me a favour by looking after her.
I know they're only words but they can subtly reinforce an idea til it becomes permanent.
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20-11-2015 09:11 #39
20-11-2015 09:24 #40
Don't overthink it but just try to avoid using that word even just a little, even just when talking to yourself.
For me, when I was constantly thinking to myself "I need some help, I just need more help" it was adding to my feelings that I was failing as a mum. Now I think "I just need DH to do xyz" or I think "the KIDS need DH to help with xyz" and this makes me feel like I am doing ok. I am just managing the normal struggles of parenting and co-parenting. I don't need help, I am just working in a partnership. It has really helped me. Good luck. X
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