I thought I'd pose this in the working mum section as I've been away from work for so long I could do with an alternative perspective.
We've 3 kids youngest unplanned and now 17mths. I asked dp to take 1 day off work to do my role for a day as I'm feeling very stressed - getting over shingles brought on my needing a rebiopsy for suspected cancer recurrence. We have no family here. I actually asked him back in January to do this for me but got fed up chasing him for a day. He had 10 days paternal leave but as his mum was here from nz he only had 2 at home, 3/4 taking older kids skiing, 1 to paint our deck. Not sure what happened with the others but he's never had one other 'just' at home with me and bub.
So this time he said if I wanted a day off I have to wean 17mth old as she is too dependent on me...
Sorry I'm sure you working mamas don't have time for this but I'd be interested in a different perspective. I suspect he doesn't want to 'waste' an annual leave day doing 'my' work but he'd never admit that is in his head he's a modern man!
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19-11-2015 06:42 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
Is it reasonable to ask dp to take a day off?
19-11-2015 06:51 #2
Basically what it comes down to is you've asked him for help and he's said no.
Im a solo mum so don't have a husband. But I do know if anyone in my family asked me to do this I would.
19-11-2015 07:04 #3-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
Sounds like hubby doesn't really get what you are trying to do/understand how much you need a break. He probably thinks you're just trying to make a point about him being lazy or something.
He may also be feeling a little unprepared for a full day with bub (scared even) hence the comment about weaning. Perhaps you could start with hubby having the kids by himself for a couple if hours on the weekend why you go shopping.
19-11-2015 07:08 #4
Is it reasonable to ask dp to take a day off?
I agree with @Wise Enough
This is more about help than the day off. You've reached out and your DH hasn't stepped up.
Sometimes taking a day off on the spur of the moment can be problematic however the National Employment Standards ensure every employee has access to personal / sick / carers leave. So there is leave available to take for this purpose. His workplace policies will determine if he needs a certificate or evidence of some sort.
Also, have you considered a flexible work arrangement so your DH can help out more?
I'm basing this on your DH working for someone else. If your DH is self employed that makes things different, but not necessarily easier if he has deadlines etc. but surely he could say "I can't take today, but I can tomorrow" or something like that.
I know we all have financial commitments but when your partner says "I need help", then that has to be more than just a fleeting consideration.
Realise I didn't answer your question "is it reasonable?" Yes! If you need help then yes of course it is!
19-11-2015 07:43 #5
Yes I think it's reasonable. When I was on mat leave I asked DH to take a day off when I was ill.
Now we both work we alternate taking carers leave when needed for the kids.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a day off when you are recovering from shingles.
19-11-2015 07:54 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2015
I'm obviously not a Mum but he obviously has an issue your youngest is still breast fed, maybe have a discussion with him about the firsts that made him so no to supporting you with some time off to help and nut out what the issues are here.
Though it sounds like he is punishing you for maybe concentrating on the youngest and the attachment he has and maybe this is his way of saying cut the cord! Your obviously stressed if you have shingles and I think it's your bodies way of saying change things because it's not liking something
We all agree your partner should be more supportive and that's something you need to discuss with him but I think you also need to discuss Your issues with each other too and work on those together!
I know my partner hates I spend a lot of time on my phone (I run a business so email a lot but also Facebook and Internet search way too much) and there are things that irk me too about him so we agreed to work on those things when around each other! I def spend too much time on my phone
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19-11-2015 07:54 #7
Yes, it's completely reasonable.
I work full time, my DH works casually (nights/weekends) and he looks after DS in the day. Sometimes, he gets to that 'I need a break' point and I'll happily take a day of leave so he can have a day to himself.
On average, I take a day off a month (not always because DH asks me to, sometimes we have something on and it just makes sense to have a full day off). Sure it cuts into my annual leave, but we can't afford holidays right now anyway, so I don't mind. I love spending extra time with my DS.
19-11-2015 07:55 #8
Agree with pp's. It is reasonable to ask/expect your DP to support you when you've asked for help.
I hope this doesn't come across as sounding insensitive, but having read some of your other threads do you think maybe part of his reason for avoiding taking time off to help you is that he may be avoiding having to spend one on one time with your 17mo?
From what you've said in the past it sounds like he resents your little one and possibly carries some resentment towards you too for the situation...? Kind of a 'This was your choice, so you deal with the consequences' attitude? Which is just a sh*tty attitude for him to have towards his partner & child. But it's something that needs to be worked through, for all of your sakes. I know you've said that you're going to see a psych about it all, so may be worth asking for tips on how to build a connection between your DP and your little one.
Apologies if I'm off the mark, and apologies if I've upset you. Sending a big hug your way! You're dealing with so much right now and it's no wonder you need a break xx
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19-11-2015 08:32 #9
I want to start with I think your dh treats you terribly and I don't understand how your relationship works as I couldn't live with a partner that treats me the why yours treats you.
Now in this circumstance my hubby wouldn't take the day off unless I physical couldn't look after the kids. But he would take on the kids the second he got in the door do all the housework and cooking etc.. So I could rest.
He has taken off time for me to fly to dd to look after her and will do this again soon.
Every relationship works differently. What works for us might not work for you.
The most important thing is if it's not working for you than it needs to change. You need to work through it with your dp to find out what will work for you too.
19-11-2015 08:36 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2013
Absolutely reasonable. Both DP and I work full time and there are times when we just want a day off to relax. Why would it be any different because you're at home? If anything, being at home with the kids full time means you need more of a break😉
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