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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperGranny View Post
    hi freyamum. I do think you need to speak with some legal aid about where to from here. There are many issues with both of you and basically, it comes down to neither of you are getting your needs met. It is a sad situation to deal with. Your children, need to feel safe and secure, and I think the stress and tension at home must be harmful to them. Can you contact lifeline or some charity group, and ask for help. ? hugs, marie.
    I think they are ok, we don't fight, we still do weekend activities together and holidays and dinner etc. I just don't feel supported. I just don't think that he has the psychological capacity to see things from my perspective. I often email him to let him know how I'm feeling as when I try and talk to him I feel rail roaded he uses lots of 'you're always...' statements. Like a while back when I tried to talk to him about dd1's behaviour and his only advice was for me to put away my phone and that her issues were basically my fault for not spending enough time with her. She's like him attack is her defence if she's asked to explain her behaviour. So I try not to back him into a corner by carefully worded emails but he hates me emailing him. His topics of conversation are news, politics, kids activities, holidays. Superficial stuff. I'd say if he was asked he'd say I worry too much about keeping the house straight (it's always a mess) and I'm always moaning about not having help or anyone to talk to but when he tries to talk to me I have nothing to say. We'll be fine for ages - well in the stressed out with 3 kids kinda way - then I rock the boat by like having to have a biopsy done and then getting so stressed that I end up sick with shingles. I know I'm not good company, I'm stressed and depressed but I try to just get on with things. Cry on my own when toddler is napping. I might start by going back to seeing a psychologist. Not sure I feel strong enough to initiate a separation.

  2. #12
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    Every relationship has difficult patches, but after 4 years of being unhappy it sounds like it's more than that. You both sound miserable. You need to have a good talk once the kids are in bed and discuss whether you both want to salvage the marriage, and if in fact it can be or has gone past the point of no return.

    You say he was emotionally barren from the beginning so it sounds like he hasn't changed, your needs have. Which is perfectly fine, that happens so many times throughout our lives. But maybe he doesn't know how to reach out to you? Maybe marriage counselling might help?

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Every relationship has difficult patches, but after 4 years of being unhappy it sounds like it's more than that. You both sound miserable. You need to have a good talk once the kids are in bed and discuss whether you both want to salvage the marriage, and if in fact it can be or has gone past the point of no return.

    You say he was emotionally barren from the beginning so it sounds like he hasn't changed, your needs have. Which is perfectly fine, that happens so many times throughout our lives. But maybe he doesn't know how to reach out to you? Maybe marriage counselling might help?
    I suggested counselling when we were arguing about dd1's behaviour but he just said no we can work this out. I think after my cancer I started to get depressed and he can't handle mental health issues. Recently his mum was laughing at her other sons ex girlfriend seeing a counsellor after they split up so they are all that stoic don't show emotions type. Hence I bottle up things and instead of talking I go quiet and retreat. An independent mediator might help if I could get him to go. Things were good for a while but I feel he just hasn't accepted our 3rd child and the changes to our family dynamic. Neither of us has any family here so he doesn't have a lot of time to himself either and we haven't had a date night in about 3 years. The issue I have is separating my depression from this. Was I being unfair to expect him to take day off work because I was feeling stressed / overwhelmed? Or am I making excuses for him again??
    I think I need to see a counsellor first so I can get my head straight.

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    No I don't think it's unfair at all. He isn't just a provider as a man, he's a father and husband. If you were asking once a week and he had no leave and was getting heat from his employer then ok but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

    Are you on meds? I don't have depression but have anxiety and it's the best decision I made.
    Last edited by delirium; 18-11-2015 at 19:08.

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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    No I don't think it's unfair at all. He isn't just a provider as a man, he's a father and husband. If you were asking once a week and he had no leave and was getting heat from his employer then ok but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

    Are you on meds? I don't have depression but have anxiety and it's the best decision I made.
    Not even been properly diagnosed. When I saw a psychologist cus I felt it was pnd and we talked about what was happening at home she didn't label it depression seemed unsurprised I wasn't coping with the lack of support I was getting. I managed things with a cbt book but my recent health issues have brought it all back. It doesn't matter how many times I've told dp I'm struggling with house kids and social isolation he doesn't get it. Whatever the house / kid issue is its up to me to sort out. I think when I go through bad times he keeps his head down until it blows over. Like an ostrich. I think when I can wean the boobie monster I might look at taking meds for a while, maybe it would allow me to see things clearer?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    I think they are ok, we don't fight, we still do weekend activities together and holidays and dinner etc. I just don't feel supported. I just don't think that he has the psychological capacity to see things from my perspective. I often email him to let him know how I'm feeling as when I try and talk to him I feel rail roaded he uses lots of 'you're always...' statements. Like a while back when I tried to talk to him about dd1's behaviour and his only advice was for me to put away my phone and that her issues were basically my fault for not spending enough time with her. She's like him attack is her defence if she's asked to explain her behaviour. So I try not to back him into a corner by carefully worded emails but he hates me emailing him. His topics of conversation are news, politics, kids activities, holidays. Superficial stuff. I'd say if he was asked he'd say I worry too much about keeping the house straight (it's always a mess) and I'm always moaning about not having help or anyone to talk to but when he tries to talk to me I have nothing to say. We'll be fine for ages - well in the stressed out with 3 kids kinda way - then I rock the boat by like having to have a biopsy done and then getting so stressed that I end up sick with shingles. I know I'm not good company, I'm stressed and depressed but I try to just get on with things. Cry on my own when toddler is napping. I might start by going back to seeing a psychologist. Not sure I feel strong enough to initiate a separation.
    hi freyamum, I wonder about what you said there about your daughter being "like him, attack is her defence." To me, that shows she is taking in a lot of what is going on around her. I remember you posting once about your daughter making you cry. I can understand you are stressed, and depressed, that is not how you should be living your life. I remember you went to a psychologist and ended up talking about your daughter instead of talking about you. I suggested speaking to lifeline or some counselling, just so you can know what your legal position is, and what is a possible outcome that might be a workable arrangement. perhaps counselling for you both together and individually, perhaps some sort of family counselling, perhaps if you can manage some medication to help with the depression. I don't know about all of these things, but I do seriously think you have been struggling for too long, and it is time you got some outside help. hugs, marie.

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    I think when you're partner offers no support after something as serious as a cancer diagnosis, it's time to move on.

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    Quote Originally Posted by hopeful1986 View Post
    I think when you're partner offers no support after something as serious as a cancer diagnosis, it's time to move on.
    I guess he wouldn't perceive that he wasn't supportive. He never gets sick ever like a cold once a year that he shakes off in a day. He hates people making a fuss of him too so I suspect his mentality is just get on with it. He was ok in the beginning came to my apts but he just got fed up of hearing about it and wanted me to move on I think. Whereas I couldn't stop thinking about what it all meant reading articles and chatting online to others with cancer. But I resented the lack of support and I think things changed. We got on so well before kids or even up til my cancer I always wondered how we'd deal with issues / conflict as we'd had none til then. Turns out we don't manage it well at all!!

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    I'm setting myself up for a flaming but here goes.

    I myself am not very supportive of other people's troubles. In my head if you have a problem or issue either you fix it or get over it or move on from it. And I tend to rather offer help or suggestions than listen/be supportive. I'm more of a practical/help hands on than of any emotional support. My dh has commented on this a few times.

    Is your dh like this? I'm not trying to get him out of the doghouse but is he more of a hands on practical person? Not everyone has an emotional radar, I know mine is sketchy at best.

    This may not be what you want to hear but he just might not be capable of giving you what he doesn't have.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rose&Aurelia&Hannah View Post
    I'm setting myself up for a flaming but here goes.

    I myself am not very supportive of other people's troubles. In my head if you have a problem or issue either you fix it or get over it or move on from it. And I tend to rather offer help or suggestions than listen/be supportive. I'm more of a practical/help hands on than of any emotional support. My dh has commented on this a few times.

    Is your dh like this? I'm not trying to get him out of the doghouse but is he more of a hands on practical person? Not everyone has an emotional radar, I know mine is sketchy at best.

    This may not be what you want to hear but he just might not be capable of giving you what he doesn't have.
    So, to help OP (and me!) put this comment in context, how do you think you'd respond to your DH receiving a cancer diagnosis? As in, what actions would you take that you felt were being helpful/supportive?


 

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