I'd have to bite the bullet on some of the things they've said, like doubting your illnesses. I'd have to ask them why they think you are faking an illness. I'd put it nicely, explain you have no intention of coming between them and their son or grand child(ren), but neither can you accept someone assuming that you are lying.
Seeing that this is your inlaws, I'd also explain to DH it's his family and it's mostly upto him to sort this.
When we wanted to limit the amount of time we spent with my family, we always traveled to them, so we could get up and leave once we'd had enough. So we'd go to their house, or meet at a restaurant, function or a park. We'd try and time it for after lunch, but during the afternoon so we had to go home for dinner/bath/naps by a reasonable time.
I'd make a point of inviting them to every event at my kids kinder/school that had a set finish time. I sent them kinder/school photos, make sure they got birthday cards etc from my kids but all at arms length. So I couldn't be faulted, but nothing was loving/caring/sharing.
Good Luck, some family suck
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04-11-2015 14:34 #11Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
04-11-2015 14:39 #12
Dealing with ILs (Long, sorry)
Don't quote I'll delete later.
[edited for privacy]
I say all this as sometimes we need to be really extreme to get someone to stop. If they treat you so badly it exacerbated PND then enough is enough. They don't get to treat you like that especially not in your own house.
If your DH can't manage them (and they sound completely unmanageable to be honest) but still wants to see them (why?) you need to not be around. They notice? So what. No one who is supposed to love you gets to treat you like that. It's horrible.
Counselling may help with strategies to manage this particularly for your DH. But they are his family and you shouldn't be put in this position by them
Last edited by Sonja; 04-11-2015 at 15:11.
04-11-2015 14:48 #13
Can I also add what little I know if you from this forum - you sound like a frickin (as my son would say 😉) awesome parent. They are clearly the ones with the problem.
04-11-2015 14:48 #14
Thank you for sharing Sonja! You make a good point, I've been worried about them noticing if I avoid them, but really they think I'm awful already, so what will change? Maybe it will just bring it to a head.
04-11-2015 14:56 #15
Don't bring it to a head unless you know your DH has your back otherwise you may cause harm to your marriage. That's why I think counselling would help him. If they've treated him badly most of his life sounds like he needs it.
04-11-2015 15:00 #16
He does! I think I'm going to find a counsellor for us to go to, but I'll go first on my own, then get him to come along. I don't think he'd go on his own right off the bat. Our marriage is generally great, it's just been this one thing that has caused issues. We've worked through a lot of it, but don't know how to move forward now.
04-11-2015 15:13 #17Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
I agree with Sonja; you don't owe them anything and sometimes people need to know when they've crossed a line.
I was in a similar situation. My in laws made it clear from the start that didn't 'approve' of me. They weren't welcoming at all and after seeing them I always left feeling bad but DH was so used to how they are he never noticed and said I was just being over sensitive. After I had DD my MIL especially just became unbearable. She was so possessive of my daughter and treated me like dirt. My PND spiraled out of control and I just couldn't handle it anymore. I finally decided I had to worry about myself first instead of her feelings. I stopped going over when invited, DH was welcome to go but i wasn't comfortable with him taking DD when she was a baby so we would go as a family maybe once a month and I would leave when I'd have enough, DH would take his car and stay if he wanted to.
Now DD is 3 I'm much more comfortable with her going to their place with DH. She can talk and I'd find out if anything was said, but more importantly I'm so much more sane and secure that I don't really care what they say anymore.
Keeping my distance has been the best thing. His parents don't ask why I don't go over anymore, I'm sure they realized that I was over it and now when we occasionally do see each other MIL is much more pleasant, we can actually have a decent conversation and I don't leave feeling bad.
Sorry for the essay, I guess what I'm saying is putting yourself and your sanity first is usually the best thing. If they're offended by your distance maybe that's a good thing. Also in my case I had no plans to keep DD away forever but my distance when DD was a baby meant that DD was at a distance too and I think it really made MIL realize the consequences of her behavior. I don't think she would pull that cr@p again as she knows what it feels like to not see her granddaughter whenever she wants to and she knows it can happen again at any time.
04-11-2015 15:26 #18
04-11-2015 15:39 #19
Thanks @Mama Mirabelle.
MIL isn't too bad with being possessive, but she does get very maniplative, like if DS won't go to her she cries "oh its because he doesn't even know me!"...well you could've come to see him lady! Like I offered for you to do 100 times when he was born and you declined because it wasn't convenient for you... anywho!
SIL1 was VERY possessive though. She would swoop in and snatch him away and dissappear with him for half an hour plus. Then when I'd go to get him to change his nappy/feed him/put him down for a nap she would glare at me and treat me like I was intruding then storm off in a huff! It was really upsetting as I felt like she was inferring that I was just taking him away from her to a bish, and not for a valid reason. It was like they just always had to think the worst of me, no matter what I did, and it really made me start to question myself and start thinking that maybe I wasn't a good person. I now know better
04-11-2015 15:43 #20
I have a very similar situation with my In laws! They try to control everything, manipulate things, blame everything on other people except themselves and are just plain awful people. It's like they don't want to see their own son/brother happy! I've been with DH for 10 years and it was only in July this year that I finally cut all ties. I told DH if he wants his daughters to have something to do with his family (parents and sister) than he can go and see them instead as they aren't welcome in my house. I deleted them from Facebook, blocked them from my phone and also told DH not to talk to me about them. This worked brilliantly, 4 months of not having to deal with their cr4p has been amazing and of course my in laws couldn't handle that I was calling the shots so they've only seen my girls once for 5 minutes since July. DH has now grown a set after seeing what I've been dealing with for years and told them if they don't put in the effort, they won't be seeing the girls.
Needless to say, that didn't go down well and we no longer hear from them.
Sorry for the long story but I would say some of the things we have done would be helpful for you. Causing your PND to be much worse when they should be supportive grandparents and aunties is not on, you deserve much better than that.
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