So I guess I'm after advice on how (or even if) I should deal with my ILs...
I'll try to keep it as concise as possible.
ILs consist of MIL, FIL & 2 x SILs.
- SILs have both acted very disrepectfully towards DH & I on several important occassions (wedding, DS's first xmas & birthday), which ruined these occasions for us. Even when FIL called them out on their behaviour they still refused to apologise. They are always rude and antagonistic towards DH & I, on all occasions.
- SILs constant passive aggressive attacks on my parenting & character caused my mild PND to spiral and it took me almost 2 years to recover my sense of self worth.
- The ILs all believe that I am keeping DS & DH from them. They are conveniently forgetting that DH has never gotten along with them and had very minimal contact with them before I came along. I told DH that his involvement with his family is entirely up to him and I would never ask him to stop seeing them. They would prefer to use me as a scapegoat than to face up to the fact that their family has a lifetime of issues to work through.
- MIL & FIL have told DH that they think I'm lying about how often DS & I are sick, as a way of avoiding having to see them. This is not the case at all. I have never once faked an illness to get out of seeing them and I am deeply hurt about being called a liar as I really pride myself on always being honest.
- I wondered if it was me, if I was the problem?? But then realised that they don't talk to ANY of their other family as they've fallen out with all of them, and they have very few friends. And I really analysed all of my behaviour and just couldn't honestly see where I'd gone wrong. I've always been polite, friendly and welcoming.
So basically where I'm stuck is that, well, they're not just going to magically dissappear. And DH wants to maintain a relationship with his parents, but the sisters always invite themselves along. So how the heck do I spend the rest of my life dealing with them??
I made a decision a long time ago that if anyone treated me badly, then I wouldn't have them in my life. But I feel like I don't have a choice about this! They're DHs family, and I don't want to get divorced....
How do you look someone in the eye who treated you so awfully, and who you don't want anything to do with, and pretend to be nice to them?
Any advice/tips/comiserations welcome... I know I need to deal with this. I just don't know how.
PS. Unfortunately talking to them about it is out of the question...its been tried and they just blow up, scream, deflect blame and storm out...then a few weeks later pretend nothing happened *bangs head against wall.
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04-11-2015 14:33 #1
Dealing with ILs (Long, sorry)
04-11-2015 14:38 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
i think it's a hard one. i'd see as them as least as possible and get dh to go by himself..
04-11-2015 14:46 #3
04-11-2015 14:56 #4
I know 100% how you feel. 100%! I seriously could have written this! My situation ended in divorce, but I actually have a mother who is just as difficult, negative and accusatory. My advice would be to get some counselling. If these people have to be in your life, as my mother does in mine (cutting her out just isn't an option), then you need to learn ways to deal with them and counselling has been hugely helpful in that regard. The thing I tell myself is that you can't control people's actions, you can only control your reactions. Who knows why they are the way they are. Years of messed up family dynamics probably. It's not you, it's them. If they are good to DS, and you want to continue having them in your life then you need to choose not to let their behaviour affect you - disassociate from it. Counselling will help
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, I really do know what it's like! Even when you learn coping strategies, there are still says it gets to you. I just take a deep breath and remind myself, it takes all kinds in this world. Everyone we meet can teach us a lesson if we're open to it at the end of the day I am grateful for my mother because she has taught me how NOT to parent!! Xx
04-11-2015 15:00 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
I agree that I would limit how often I see them and if DH wants to maintain a relationship he should go over himself. If you're comfortable with it you can send your kids with him so they get to see your kids but you don't have to see them.
If not then why don't you arrange to see them like monthly or fortnightly, how regularly do they want to see the kids? If it gets too much with them in your home you could always meet up at a park or for a picnic, that way you can leave when you've had enough.
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04-11-2015 15:07 #6
I would actually feel very validated in spending the least amount of time possible with these people. They don't sound nice at all.
If they're coming over to see your DH and DS, go out shopping or for a coffee, or busy yourself with some other activity so you don't feel you have to socialise with them. Get your DH to take DS for a visit at their place, or meet somewhere neutral for a catch up.
They are delusional if they expect you to be a big part of their lives when they've treated you so poorly, so don't feel bad for avoiding them.
04-11-2015 15:15 #7
what does your DH do while they are treating you so badly?
04-11-2015 15:19 #8
I have actually thought about counselling, just to get an unbiased third party opinion/advice. I will look into it....just thought I'd try bubhub first as it's cheaper than therapy! Lol
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04-11-2015 15:23 #9
04-11-2015 15:29 #10
They have said some unforgivable things to him and about him, I don't know how he can even be in the same room as them honestly. But they're his family...
ETA - that's why we almost ended up divorced, I didn't feel like he was sticking up for me enough. He was just so desensitised to it :/
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