hi firsttimemummy, it is a very common argument, who has the harder job. who does more work, who makes more money. This argument has been happening since forever, but it doesn't have to be that way. If you both try to start with a new page, open and honest communication, what your needs are and what his needs are. There are still only 24 hours in a day, and if you continue to spend time arguing and not reaching a solution, then there will be precious little time left for you to find your peace. Life is full of changes, and compromise, find some balance that you are both happy with, so the whole argument is laid to rest. hugs marie.
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30-10-2015 11:19 #51
30-10-2015 11:46 #52
30-10-2015 12:05 #53
I think this is a really common fight.
For us, we do have it, and it's always during a period of time where one of us is feeling under appreciated by the other.
It's usually the warning call we need to reevaluate and try and reconnect.
I actually enjoy cleaning and what not, but it's more that when it becomes assumed you'll do everything you get annoyed that you're being taken for granted.
Maybe it's something similar for you guys?
30-10-2015 12:47 #54Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
Fighting with your spouse
It sounds like you both need to try to reconnect, and your holiday could do you the world of good.
We both work full time and everything is evenly split. We share the cooking, he does the dishes, I bath DD.
DH lived on his own for 10 years before I came along, so he was house trained. He still does his own washing, folding, ironing etc.
We've had a rough year, but making sure we spend time with each other and not taking each other for granted has done us the world of good. Even just a night out without DD helped.
As for love languages, I agree with this. DH is very affectionate and likes cuddling. I'm not as much a cuddly person. But I know he needs that to feel loved. I just want him to help more with DD
I hope you can both improve your communication and stop arguing as often
Last edited by Lil Smurfy; 30-10-2015 at 12:57.
30-10-2015 16:36 #55
Good luck with sorting this out OP. I think it's a great sign that you're reaching out to others & wanting to get on top of it. It sounds like you've determined it is more of an underlying communication issue than division of chores. I can only comment from my personal experience but I think you can overcome it I work 20 hours a week and DP works 40-50. I do pretty much all of the housework & it doesn't bother me one iota lol. Life is too short. I'm home earlier than he is, so I just do it. Or sometimes I'm lazy and I don't, lol. Either way, it's not worth arguing about. If I'm swamped and ask him to help, he will. He's not actively messy as such, if he were leaving a trail of junk everywhere & expecting me to pick up after him it'd be a different story! But he puts his dishes in the sink & his clothes in the hamper so that's fine. Sometimes I stay on top of everything, sometimes I need his help, either way it's fine. With my ex it was the opposite, for numerous reasons. We had the same argument as you guys day in, day out - but it wasn't really about that, it was symptomatic of a deeper issue. At the core of who we were, we were completely out of touch with each other's needs and how to make the other feel valued (oh and he was cheating on me too but that's another story! 😝). With DP, even though I do the same amount of housework / parenting as I did with my ex, the two situations are worlds apart. DP is loving, caring, attentive, affectionate - we are on the same page about who we are and what we want for our lives and our relationship. There's no way I'm letting stuff like housework and the daily grind get in the way of what we have. It's about recognising that life is busy, having little kids & working doesn't always mix but ultimately we are committed to each other & our family, and that puts it all into perspective. I hope you guys can reconnect & get to where you need to be
30-10-2015 18:43 #56
Tbh I would be a bit resentful if I worked full time and my partner was not working and had our child in care 3 days a week because I would feel like they had a good work-life balance with lots of down time whereas I would have a bad work-life balance. I would not pick fights all the time with my SAHP though- I would tell them I feel like I don't have a good work-life balance and ask them if maybe I could drop to 4 days work and they could pick up 1 day- or something like that. Good luck.
Also I have been a SAHM, a WAHM, and a part time working mum. In a sh**ty, stressful job, being a SAHM is "easier" purely in that it is more joyful and rewarding. Of course he should not being taking a stressful job out on you, but that might be where he is coming from. Maybe if your DP changes jobs he will be much happier and have better work life balance.
Last edited by Lilahh; 30-10-2015 at 18:45.
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30-10-2015 18:56 #57
Maybe you just need to reconnect a bit more and try and find some time together and work on communication. It can be really easy to let that fall to the wayside in the daily grind of work/parenthood.
Honestly though, if I had 3 days of childcare and didn't have to work and my hubby put the child to bed most nights, I probably wouldn't expect him to do anything at all. I work 3 days a week yet I still do the bulk of the work on the home/parenting front. Gosh 1 day a week to myself to get chores done etc. would feel like a dream. So I can maybe see why your partner is maybe a bit resentful. Maybe you just need to remind him of what you actually do, and that the arrangement works best for your family.
Or go on strike for 2 weeks and then he'll Prob get a pretty good idea of what you do.
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30-10-2015 19:05 #58
I have a friend who's dh can be a,real @ss when it comes to her being a sahm. He always makes comments about her having it so easy and that all she has to do is change nappies and read stories. It infuriates me.
Raising children and running a household is damn hard work, especially when u are home all day having the house messed up, making food etc. Its even harder once u have 2 kids.
My dh used to have the attitude that I had it easy....and I appreciate that he works hard too! He now tells people that I work harder than he does cause I virtually do everything other than paid employment. I can honestly say I've never worked so hard in my life as I have as a sahm!
ETA - neither of our kids have spent one day in childcare ( almost 5 and 18 months)
Last edited by SoThisIsLove; 30-10-2015 at 19:15.
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30-10-2015 19:08 #59
30-10-2015 19:09 #60
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